A fond farewell to 2010....

As I sit here on the cusp of the New Year, it's a time for me to reflect on all that has happened.

2011 will be a year of changes.  Well I guess so hasn't 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.  Each of these years since my marriage broke up have been a challenge.  I have grown alot, changed alot, stumbled alot, but I always managed to get back up, dust myself off and continue on.  There were days and nights that I never thought I was going to make it to the next day.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, and nights I didn't want to go to bed, alone again.  It's been a struggle to get through the separation and the divorce.  Which will be final in a few short weeks.  I can't believe that chapter of my life will finally be closed.  It seems like it was such a long time getting from there to here. 

As look back on the last 3 years (I still can't believe its been 3 years since my marriage ended. Seems like it was just yesterday, but if you had asked me on that November day where I would be in 3 years, I couldn't even imagine 3 years having passed.).  The first years of the separation I spent a lot of time going out and doing my thing.  I was in victim mode.  I couldn't believe this had happened to me. I couldn't believe that at 35, here I was, single.  While I didn't exactly want to be married, which I was finally able to admit to myself and to others after a while sitting in my therapists office, it was still hard to start the process of undoing what you spent a life time knowing.  I was 20 when D and I met.  We went from Zero to relationship.  I spent the next 15 years of my life with him.  Building a life.  Making plans.  Buying houses.  Having babies.  We did have a good decent fairly solid marriage.  On the outside it was great, it was what was lacking on the inside.  The passion, the head over heels in love.  That left a long time before.  And what replaced it was indifference.  I didn't care.  I checked out. Checked out of my marriage and my life.  I was merely watching life happen to me from the sidelines.  So when the marriage ended, I spent most of 2008 going out and getting my groove back.  I went out.. ALOT.  I drank.. ALOT.. I used it to escape.  but at the end of the day, the problems were still there.  I realized and I guess I always knew, that I was also part of the marriage problem.  My inability to express my opinions and thoughts and feelings, just made me withdraw into myself.  I don't blame my ex for what he did.  I actually thank him.  I know its weird to say that.  But he gave me my life back. He gave me a chance to get it right.  Yes, these chances were there all along, but I was too weak to stand up and say Hey.. I am done.  He gave me the opportunity.  He opened the window... I jumped.

Now I have to fully disclose that I had tossed the idea of trying to repair the damage.  Because after all, we were a family. We had a house and 3 beautiful kids together.  and I mean come one.. my life.. wasnt SO bad.  I did what I wanted, I went out when I wanted, etc.  but it wasn't enough.  I wanted more. I wanted a fullfilling life and marriage.  I didn't want to stay settled anymore.

That day in the therapists office,when I said the words, I can't do this anymore.  They were the hardest thing for me to say.  Divorce doesn't just affect you and your spouse.  It affects everyone around you.  Kids especially.  But it affects your family, your friends.  So much more.  People dont know how to act around you.  It's almost like you have a plague or something.  No one can understand what you go through, how it feels.  The gammut of emotions that are run.  I was in a constant state of flux.

The hardest part was watching my kids struggle.  There were days when I thought well maybe we should just stay together for the kids sake.  it will be better for them.  But it wouldn't.  It really wouldnt.  And so I stood by my decision.  I watched my kids struggle and stood by them while they cried, and we together picked up the pieces and were able to move on.

2008 was an interesting year.  I started dating again.  I had a "relationship" again.  It was weird.  It was good, it was an experience.  It lasted 3 months.  And then I was dumped on NYE.  And that was fun...  haha.. we are good friends now.  He came in to my life for a reason.  I also lost my job. The one thing I was able to count on.  After being there for 9 years, I was told my job was no longer available.  I was a victim of the economy.  Here I was, a single mother of 3, with no job.  I remember breaking down in the HR ladys office,thinking how am I going to do this.  No job, 3 kids.  Great. 

Then something great happened. I got a new job.  A really great new job.  At a company that I really like going to work for.  It was a world of new opportunities.  I was glad to have the new beginning.  Starting fresh. 

2009 was a year of more and more dating.  One right after the other. All the wrong guys.. I got my heart broken alot.  But I wouldnt change it for the world.  I learned a lot.  Had a lot of great sex.  It is true that hindsight is 20/20.  I wish that I could have spared myself some of the heartache, but it did help me to realize things about myself. 

2010 was more of the same.  I did a lot of online dating.  Which was really interesting.  I met a lot of interesting people.  I learned how to put myself out there, and meet new people and experience new things.  It was also the end of some friendships I thought I needed.  I realized that I didn't need these people and the drama and the negativity.   I learned to surround myself with positive strong people, and got rid of the people that were dragging me down and causing negativity. 

2010 also saw me get the strength to finish up with my marriage.  Finally it was time to get all the affairs in order, get the papers filed, go to court and get granted the divorce.  It takes a long time for the process to be finalized.   I have also started dating a great guy.  It was someone that I knew and was interested in for a while, the timing was never right before, but then it got right. 

So I am excited for 2011.  My marriage will officially be over on January 10th.  My guy and I are going strong.  We have had some bumps along the way, but we are working through it.  When something bothers me I tell him and we work through it.  My initial reaction was to say fuck it.. i am done.  but i am trying to communicate what I am feeling.  And its scary and good all at the same time.

I still have alot of living and changing and rebuilding to do.  I spent a lot of time reading books about divorce and getting through it, how to move on.

Divorce is an interesting thing to go through.  I have learned alot.  I have cried alot.  I have done things and met people I never would have before.  I have been living life and experiencing life.  I have opened my eyes and my heart up again. It's scary.  I am scared as hell to think that I could actually be in anything long term.  I am trying to just go with it. 

My hope for the new year is that I can continue on this path of self awareness.  I need to realize and remember that I am smart, beautiful, fun, strong, amazing, and all that good stuff.  It's so easy to feel worthless when you feel like all you are doing is being kicked around.  I take responsibility for how my life has turned out and is turning out.  I am the only one with the power to change things if they are not working out.  I cannot be the victim, and I won't be the victim.  I need to be a strong positive role model to my kids. 

And to pat myself on my back a little bit..  I have to say this..  I think we are doing OK as a family.  I have a great relationship with my ex. 

Christmas Morning, my ex and his fiancee came over to watch the kids open their presents with me and my guy.  It's the definition of a modern family.  Griffin drew a picture of our family.  And I noticed there were a few extra people in it, so I asked who they were.  Well he included his fathers fiancee and my guy.  We were bookends. My ex and his fiancee on one end, me and my guy on the other, the three kids in the middle.  I love that picture.  and I love that my sweet guy is in a place where this is how he visions his family.  We have a couple of extra people in the picture, but we are all together.  And I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that. 

And on that note, I bid a fond farewell to 2010 and I look onward and upward to 2011. 

Happy New Year all!

Calgon.. take me away...

Ok..  so Calgon isn't taking me away.. but my guy is..  Yup.. finally.. the big weekend is approaching.. and FAST approaching.  While I am anxiously awaiting spending an entire weekend kid free with my main squeeze, I am also stressing it, big time. 

I know.. what?  Wait.. STRESSING a romantic weekend away with the one you love, to a place.. well what place.. I have no idea still.. (can you believe I STILL have NO idea where in the world he is taking me) that it will be just me and him (ok and another of our couple friends).  No kids, no responsibilites, nada..  Just time away to enjoy eachother.  Relax and enjoy.

Relax?  What's that mean? 

I am so stressed out right now about this, it's making me sick.  My neck and shoulders are in knots.  Why you may inquire?  Well let's see.. the last time I went away for a weekend, I got a text smack dab in the middle of a beautiful relaxing weekend.  The text you ask?  Well it was from my darling ex... to basically tell me how rotten one of the kids was being.. gee.. thanks.. there I was.. enjoying the relaxing, quiet calm of Maine, and I get texted about the kids acting up.  Ummm.. gee.. thanks.  What am I supposed to do about this..  3hours away and what 300 miles away.  I dont know.  I wasn't about to go home.  He is their father and needs to learn to deal with the moods of 5 year olds.  Why is it that my work is never done?  As a mother, I can't ever go away and turn it off.  I am always worried about the kids acting up when I am not there.  Do they act up for me? Absolutely.  Do I call their father everytime to tell them that?  Nope. Why?  Because it's what kids do.

I know this is a simple concept.  When the kids go with their Dad.. they go with their Dad.. I should only be alerted to something when there is an emergency.  Has someone fallen down, are they in the Emergency Room, has there been an accident?  No. Well then leave me the F*ck alone.  Seriously.  I want to be able to go away and enjoy my weekend.  He gets to enjoy weekends away  with his lady.  Why can't I be afforded the same luxury with my guy?

So I am going to have to put my foot down and say.. PLEASE do NOT call/text/email/skywrite/send a homing pigeon this weekend.  I am OUT.  Done.. Pretend I do NOT exist this weekend.  I sent a lovely worded email, putting the blame on no one...  but asking quite nicely.. to be left alone this weekend..  and he has agreed to not even contact me if one of the kids is burning the other with the severed limb of the third sibling... 

I am trying so hard to get rid of the knots in my neck and shoulders.  I am trying to relax.  It's hard for me.  I know it's stupid and it should be a no brainer.  but it still is affecting me.  And I know that I need to just let it go.  Just breathe.   Think of the fun I am going to have.  The fun of being whisked away to a place that I have had not had to plan one aspect of.  To spend time with the guy that I adore.  To have lots and lots of sex (I know..  TMI.. ).  Even more than that.. to wake up for 2 WHOLE consecutive mornings next to him..  To lay in the crick of his arm and feel safe and loved.  Things that are taken for granted.  It's hard to get that time in when you are single parents. 

I honestly had shut myself off for so long to the intimacy of a relationship.  For so long I had been so closed off to letting someone else in.  It's very scary to allow someone to hold you close and lay still and be still.  I have a hard time with it. But now that I have been doing it.  I realized how much I missed it.  How this had been lacking for me, for some time now.  I now hate when we can't wake up together.  I hate when we can't lay there, and I can trace the curves of his body with my fingertips. That I can't everyday feel the electricity and how excited I feel when I touch his skin.  When he kisses me.  All the good stuff.. 

I get to experience this for the whole weekend. I am sure that the weekend will fly by in the blink of an eye. Reality will be presented back to us soon enough.  I am going to try to live in and enjoy the moments that we have together.  Soon enough it will be Sunday and we will be on the way home, back to our real lives.  Back to the daily grind. Back to having to sleep apart..  Back to the stresses of daily life.  Money woes, Christmas woes, kid woes, work woes.... 

Anyway.. it is my hope to one day figure this all out.. to figure out this thing that is my life.  It's a balancing act.  Somedays I can get through it like clockwork, and say, hmph.. this is no big deal, I got this.. and other days..  I want to say..  Holy Shit.. I have NO idea what I am doing..  I do NOT have this at all..  In fact.. this has got ME! 

So only 3 more wake ups.. and then we are off..  to where.. I dont know..  and I really dont care..  :) 

Blindsided....

So I must apologize in advance... this post will be all over the place.  I know.. I know.. but much more so than is "normal" for me..

Blindsided:  to attack critically where a person is vulnerable, uninformed, etc

This was me, today. 

Let's recap the morning shall we.  I get to work and log in to my yahoo mail..  la di da.. just like everyday..  oh I see there is a facebook email from my friend Heather.. . Ok, Heather what are you up to..  the email is asking me if I am ok with the news and that she is thinking of me..  Umm.. what news..  I have NO idea what on earth she is talking about..  for a split second I thought maybe that email was intended for another one of her friends named Michelle..  but deep down I knew.. I knew what the news was going to be...  So I text her.. WTF are you talking about..   and she quite simply confirms, what I knew in my gut the news was going to be, by writing..  dana and erin..   yup.. my ex and his gf are engaged... 

Wow.

So I knew it was going to  happen, I figured it was going to happen this weekend as they go on their big romantic weekend.  And I was right, it was going to happen then, but last night she was pestering him for what her big surprise was.. and well plans changed.. 

And here I am.. learning about my ex's engagement, through the wonderment of Facebook. 

This is where I was blindsided.  I am happy for him.  I truly am.  He is a good guy and deserves happiness.. It MIGHT have been nice if he had given me a heads up.  Just a bit of common courtesy.  It MIGHT have been nice if he had at least prepared the kids.  To let them know what was forthcoming.  Life's been a big adjustment for them over the past few years.  And here I am.. yet again, going to be the one to pick up the pieces.  I am sure they will be fine with it, but there will be questions no doubt.  Griffin has expressed concern that if I ever got married again, that I wouldn't be his mom anymore.  I said no sweetie, I will ALWAYS be your mom...  just because someone gets remarried, doesn't mean they stop being your parent.  Poor kid. 

So here I sit.. trying to figure out how I feel.. . Numb.  that is how I feel.  Numb.  I don't know how or what to feel.  There is no divorce handbook that tells you how you should feel.  Where's the manual that states what's supposed to happen when your ex decides he is going to remarry.  How does this work.  I know its all about making things up as we go along, and we are extremely lucky to have the relationship that we do. 

I am happy for him.  I truly am.  I am glad he has found someone else to start a new life with, but it's still a bit bittersweet.  And I guess because the ink is barely dry on our divorce.  Technically, we aren't even divorced officially until January. 

For me, I am happy with my new guy.  Things are going along pretty well.  We have hit a few bumps, but have worked them out.  When something bothered me I didn't sweep it under the rug.  I confronted it and him and I said my peace.. or yelled it..  drove to his house, pulled him out of bed and made him finish our "discussion".. you know..  the usuals.  ha ha.. It's what normal people do right?  When something bothers them, or one of us is upset, they drive blindly through the night and yank the other out of bed to confront the issue.  Well my marriage was opposite.  If something bothered me, then I swept it under the rug and added it to my resentment pile.  Which by the way, grows pretty quickly and pretty fast.  This time I refuse to let things get bottled up and unresolved.  I will not put them on the TO-Do list.  If I do that, that list just grows and never gets addressed.  I needed to see him and talk to him in order to make things right, and they were. 

I guess this is how grown ups live.  I don't know.

But anyway.. for now..  I will keep on trucking...  I will continue to explore my feelings and work on me and my "issues".  I will and do wish my ex and his gf good luck. I am sure with this bit of news and feeling blindsided, I will go through a huge range of emotions.  Most of them will be chronicled here.  My main priority is to make sure that the kids know that no matter what their Mom and Dad love them very much.  And that Dad getting remarried does not mean that I am being replaced or that he is not their Dad anymore.  If anything, they get another person to love them.  The more people that love my kids the better. 


Ironically I got this delivered to me today..   I will be toasting the happily newly engaged couple! 



and for those that are wondering.. here is me and my guy:




And my three loves:




Well thanks as always for enduring my rants...  and more importantly.. thanks to all my family and friends for being so supportive of me.. and always caring... It means the world to me.

~M

Christmas.. Christmas.. Christmas time is here... and that means..

Christmas Cards!  Yes, it isn't even Thanksgiving yet (ok it's TOMORROW!  yikes!), but I have already been thinking, and more importantly STRESSING about the perfect Christmas Card. 

I heard about this awesome promotion that Shutterfly was having, 50 free cards if you blog about them!  I was floored.  I was already checking out the new selection of cards on their site, and lo and behold, this great promotion has dropped in my lap!  It was fate.  Ok, it was kind of spooky that I had just been telling some friends about Shutterfly's great new selection.  I admit, I had checked out the competition, Kodak gallery, snapfish, even walgreens.  But BLECH.  Boring.. nothing exciting.  I think I have seen the same cards on those sites the past 3 or 4 years. 

I have used Shutterfly in the past for cards.  I think the quality is amazing and the shipping is super quick. They are forever having awesome deals, sales and coupons.  This year, is even better (or maybe worse!) because they have really stepped up the selection.  So many choices....  what to do.. what to do..  I am really liking the simplicity of the designs.  In all honesty, they look like the same designs that I have seen on much more expensive sites.  I tend to have a love affair with Shutterfly for their Holiday Cards anyway.  I think their site is easy to maneuver, and working in a web ui environment, I am all about user experience on web sites.  I like the fact that I can filter my results.  I know I want a bunch of pictures, I know I want the larger card size option.  Heck, I could even narrow it down by color, which is really cool.

Link to Shutterfly's full array of Christmas cards

I have definitely narrowed it down to a few choices:



or this is nice:



or this:



I think I am liking this last option.  I was forever doing the card with one big picture of the kids, and three little pictures; one for each of the kids.  This year, I am forgoing the formal pictures, and I have decided I am going to go with a bunch of pictures from the year.  Showcasing some of the fun things we did as a family.  And like bigfoot or the loch ness, I may make a rare appearance on the Holiday card...

I do have to say that I get a bit stressed out with the cards.  I want the perfect looking card, I want the wittiest, sweetest and most perfect saying.  I have a draft of the card already saved.  I am waiting to see if I can get a nice dressed up family picture tomorrow on Thanksgiving. But who knows. The kids do not always like to cooperate.  They see Mom pull out the camera and they skeedaddle...  or my favorite is when they are all posed so nicely.. the battery in the camera usually dies, one of them has to start hitting the other, or my personal fave, when I say.. ok, look at me...  they all look in different directions.. I am not really sure if they don't realize that I am speaking to them from behind the camera...  but they all end up looking away from me.. maybe this year I will say, look away from me.. whatever you kids decide to do.. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CAMERA...  I am sure that will bring a lot of shock and confusion.. and maybe.. just maybe.. the perfect shot.... 

This year I am thinking that I might do a few calendars as well.  I love the personalized Calendars.  Last year my siblings and I got all the kids together and had a bunch of pictures of the kids done for our parents.  We put them in to a calendar and also made collages of the images for them.  Out of all the gifts that my parents recieved, their favorite by far was the calendar.  They get to see the smiling faces of their grandkids every day.  I have to admit I have one up in my cube at work as well, and I am forever getting compliments on it.  Of course it could be that my kids are just so stinking adorable.  But it is a great idea.  What I love about it too is that you can put in important dates.  Each year I am forever having to write in birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  This is so much easier.  I just type in the important date and viola! 



I have also been eyeing the photo mugs.  I mean who wouldn't want a mug with the mugs (ok, crickets.. not funny.. I KNOW!) of my kids on it..  It's the sole reason my ex husband drinks coffee on the one night a week that he takes the kids overnight.  Wouldn't that make a lovely gift for him and his girlfriend?  They can sit and stare loving at eachother over a nice morning cup of coffee, with our kids pictures on it.  I think that's a brilliant idea...  I am going to get right on that.  You can even order a mug that comes with chocolate.. what's better than that?  Yummy..  chocolate..  It's great marketing, put chocolate in any picture and I am sold... 



So I close this blog with this..  Go to shutterfly... Check out their awesome selection.  You definitely won't be disappointed.  I have never been.  I mean seriously.. what more could you want..  Great selection, great prices, super fast shipping, and unbelievable quality. 

Another thing I have noticed, when I get cards in, I tend to flip them over and you see where the cards were created from.  I think a good 80% of them are from Shutterfly... So if you haven't jumped on the band wagon or drank the Shutterfly Kool Aid, I challenge you to at least check them out.. See the selection, but please please please do NOT suggest any additional card styles to me.. because I have a hard enough time narrowing it down on my own!! 

And if you are a blogger, well then put your blogging hat on, and get on it..  You would be foolish not to! 

I don't want to make the same mistakes...

I am sitting here at my desk, while I should be working.. ok, I AM working, technically... Thank GOD for Technology.. I mean seriously.. How DID we ever look busy before computers and the internet...  Oh yes, I am just "researching" things....  yeah, that's it.. it's even better when my job consists of me actually doing web based testing..  yup.. I know.. at one point, my job was to actually shop!  Yes.. SHOP!!  Yay.. well it was to simulate shopping experiences, and we got to use fake credit card numbers and everything. So it was AWESOME..  I bought myself a whole bunch of great stuff.. well in my mind I did... 

So anyway.. as I sit here, catching up on the blogs I follow, and listening to my ipod, clearly not doing any work (hey I was on lunch ok... give me a break..), that is where the title for this post comes from.. No, not my lack of doing work today (can you say unmotivated today.. yes.. I can..) but from my ipod.  Bon Jovi's Open all night just came on, and that line always gets me:  I don't want to make the same mistakes....  It's always touched me.   I can relate to it. 

I am tired of making the same mistakes.  Einstein said:  Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...  I lived my life like that.  In fact I still do.  It's tough. Tough to break out of habits and patterns. Things we come to rely on.  It's our safety net, our security blanket. It's a way to keep balance among Chaos.    I can immediately go to a place that I feel safe.  Doesn't mean that it's the right place, but it's a familiar place and to me... that means "safe". 

Since my marriage ended 3 years ago now (wow.. can't believe it was 3 years ago November that my marriage ended... ) I have had to do so many things that have been outside my comfort zone....  I have made a lot of mistakes, or as I like to call them.. they were not  my finest hours.  I have learned alot, and realized I haven't learned much of anything. 

I continued to fall for the wrong guys.  I continued to act the same way.  All the while I was wondering why things werent working out.  Well I think everyone could see it coming from a mile away..  That the train I was on might have had a new shiny coat of paint, but it was still chugging down the same track.  I hadn't changed anything about the way I took the journey or traveled.  I just changed the shell.  I did this in the hope to confuse and fool you.. but it turned out, the only one that was the fool was me.. as I continued down the wrong track.. 

I am really trying to be on the right track now.  and dare I say, things are chugging along nicely with me and my guy...  it's weird.  I know it shouldn't be.. but it still is.  I am still struggling with the fact that this relationship could actually have legs. 

Saturday night he took me and our moms to see a show at the Wang (or Citi Wang.. whatever its called today).  The group was Straight No Chaser.  It was a great night.  We went to dinner and then off to the show.  It was nice to do something not of the norm, and it was so sweet that he wanted to bring me and my mom.   (Ok, so truth be told when he first bought the tickets months ago, it was to bring his ex gf and HER mom.. but I am going to overlook that.. ha ha.. ) We had a great time, and it was nice to be out with him and not  hanging out at his "club" or the local bar we have come to frequent. 

It still blows my mind to be with someone that thinks about me and wants to do things for me.  I mean I know this is the norm, but it hasn't been for me for a while.  I was meeting people that didn't care much about actually building a relationship.  This was where I was getting it wrong.  Do I have it right this time, I don't know.  We will see.  Life is always a learning experiment.  I can't predict the future, I can't change the past, I can only concentrate on the present... 

And with that, I am trying.  I am trying not to let the crazy bleed in.  It is hard for me.  I know it's unfair to take out my insecurities on him, but I still do...  and I am working on it.  I am.. really.. I am trying to not get too worked up over stupid things.. I am trying not to punish him for things that others have done to me in the past.  I am trying to live in an open and honest relationship.  Being vulnerable and letting my walls come down is super hard for me.  I always feel like if I let someone in then they can use these vulnerabilities against me.  I open up my heart, they come in and then proceed to step all over it.  I don't want that.  I don't want to feel afraid of it.  I mean if this doesn't work out, there is nothing that I can do to stop that.  I can't beg, cry, scream.  Well I can.. but why would I want to.. I have tried in the past to hold on to things and people that weren't even worthy of me.  But I felt so down in the dumps about me and my relationships that I thought I deserved to be treated the way I was being treated.  I know better now.. or I am LEARNING. 

Being open and honest is hard.  This blog has helped me a bit.  Helped me to put down thoughts and feelings that sometimes are even hard for me to say outloud.  I guess it's kindof the cowards way of getting my feet wet with how to be honest.  It's easy to put on a smile and tell people that things are "fine"... everything is "fine"... when deep down you are screaming inside because things aren't fine... I am getting better at expressing and sharing feelings. 

I am reading this great book right now called Falling Apart in One Piece.  It's about a woman's journey through her divorce.  It's really hitting home.  why read these books you wonder... well it is helping me to put a lot of things in perspective.  Helps me to feel like I am not alone.  It's tough going through a divorce.  And it's definitely really tough when you are the first one of your friends to do it.  I was the first to get married, and the first to divorce.  Reading about others experiences with it, is helping me to understand it.  Getting divorced was the right thing for me to do.  But it doesn't mean that it still has an affect on me.  It's hard to undo a whole lifetimes worth of emotions and memories.  I am lucky in that my divorce was very amicable, but there are days it hits me hard.  They say divorce is like a death, and that is true..  you can never convey what it feels like to loose something or someone in that manner.  Life goes on around you and you are left to pick up the pieces, to start again.  Even though I knew that I was in an unfulling marriage, that I really didn't have any business getting married in the first place, it was still hard to stand there at 34 and realize that I had to start my life over again.  This time, with 3 kids in tow.  It's been tough navigating the dating scene.  I am fortunate to find someone that has no issues with kids, but it's still hard.  His daughter goes away for the whole weekend, pretty much every weekend, and I get one weekend night every weekend.  It sucks that I can't have both weekends to hang out, and I guess that is good in a sense too.. but I get jealous of that freedom.  And here is where I need to not make the same mistakes... I get jealous of the fact that he can hang out all day and night with his friends, and not have to worry about things... that he can go out both weekend nights.  Yes one is with me.. but I am in that selfish phase.. where I think he should be spending EVERY night with me.. and this is where I need to keep the crazy in check... 

I am trying.. but like I said.. it bleeds through.... 

and once again.. my postings are all over the place.. is it a wonder that I can get through the day... 

Thanks for reading.. and continuing on this journey with me...  :) 

The more I learn.. the less I realize I know...

I have been in therapy for close to 3 years now.  I have learned lots and lots about myself.  I am becoming more and more honest with myself and others everyday.  I have started to trust my therapist more than I had in the past.  I know.. it's weird that I wouldn't trust her, I adore her.  But truth be told, when I first thought about going to therapy I didn't get it.  I didn't understand it.  I mean come on.. you want ME to tell my whoa's to a complets stranger and what, she gets to sit there across from and judge me and the choices I have made..  Yeah.. thanks, but NO thanks.  But still I went.  and I started to learn that I could open up to someone, that it was not her job to criticize me, but it was her job to point out things and places that I have gone wrong, and she has taught me to think before I act, or she has ATTEMPTED to teach me this.  I have learned so much from her, that it amazes me how I have functioned.  I cant tolerate bullshit the way I use to.  I dont like to let things fester and sweep them under the rug anymore.  I have learned to stand up and face some of my fears. 

Then of course, when it comes to relationships...  I still feel like the lost scared little girl.  I still have this trust issue.  I still don't believe that people can be who they say they are.  Not everyone has an ulterior motive. 

As you know I am dating a perfectly lovely guy.  We have fun together, we laugh, joke, etc.  We get along so well.  I adore him and he adores me.  The kids like him and his daughter likes me.  He calls, he wants to see me, he takes me out places, introduces me to his friends and family, he has met some of my friends and family, he is taking me and my mom out to a show next weekend.  Things are great. 

So what's the problem?  ME!  I still think that if he is late in calling or he says I will call you later, that if he doesn't, it's over.  I still have this knee jerk reaction.  I still want to cut right to the quick.  I get this fuck you attitude.  Why?  I DONT KNOW... I wish that I could shred this cloak of self doubt I carry around.  I wish I could trust in someone.  I mean the damage that has been done to me is so deep. Even I have trouble with it. 

I can't stand myself when I get all worked up like that.  Perfectly innocent things, I blow out of proportion.  It's like I look for a way to sabotage... and what plays in my head...  the Beastie Boys song... listen up y'all it's a sabotage. 

If I feel wronged, then I want immediate revenge.. I think.. hmmm..  what can I do to really show this person I am pissed off..  even though they have done nothing wrong, but in my mind they have.. I have created this elaborate scene in which I am being wronged..  and I hate it.  I am trying to not do this.  I don't want to ruin this, but I always feel like I better prepare for the worst...  Why can't I just relish in the good. 

My question is will I ever be able to sit back and relax... 

It's pretty sad to know that someone adores you, loves being with you, and all that, and still I can't relax about it.  I know its a new relationship and things take time. 

it's easy for others to say, just go with the flow, just relax and enjoy it, dont read too much in to it.  but it's how i have lived my life for years.  its the pain and disappointment i have lived with.  I cant help it.  I am trying, but it bleeds through. 

and it still makes me wonder.. am i really destined to be happy?  i sure as hell hope so, because i want to be happy.  i want to be able to shake off the doubt and just live.  I want to throw caution to the wind and jump in...  it's just hard for me...

i figured if i write this out.. for the universe to see... and my 6 followers.. that it will keep me in check.. i need to be kept in check.. i need the smack in the face that says WAKE UP.. .

i guess the good news, is that i kept the crazy to myself.  i didn't let it show.. too much.. of course i did a wee bit.. but i am learning...  and i am trying.. and i guess that is all i can do at this point..  trust takes time.. and in the end..  i will be worth it to the person that can break me of my crazy...

and for now.. i am off.. 

Trouble.....

So I think I am in trouble... Ok.. I KNOW I am in trouble..  Why trouble you may ask?  Well as documented last post.... I admitted to meeting someone... All is going well... and this is where the trouble comes in. 

I have spent the last couple of years meeting the wrong people... I saw a Tshirt that said I don't make mistakes, I date them.  That Tshirt pretty much summed up my dating life.  I chose the wrong guys.  I think subconsciously...  and maybe sometimes consciously...  or unconsciously..  at least the latter would make the most sense as I look back and go what was I thinking...

Anyway..  So...  so far so good.  This scares the bejesus out of me.

A guy that is nice AND wants to see me.  What's his angle?   A guy that adores my kids, and isn't afraid of them. That wants to come over and spend time with me AND them.  I find myself apologizing for when they act all crazy, and he just laughs and says..  Relax.. they are kids... 

Things have been going pretty strong since the beginning of October.  I think we have spent pretty much every weekend together.  Again, this is a shock to me..  he wants to make plans with me, he calls us a "we"... and I have to ask for clarification...  who is this "we" you speak of... I am not use to being a "we".. It's been a "me" for so long... 

A week or so ago he brought up the idea of going away for a night.  Get away, get a hotel, have hotel sex (my personal fave.. ok, I know.. TMI... but heck..it's my blog.. I can say it...) just be able to enjoy being with eachother without any interruptions...   So we looked at schedules (getting away when you are single parents, is NOT that easy) came up with ideas, etc..  Here is the part that is weird for me..  He took the ball and ran with it.  I offered suggestions on where we could go, etc.. he immediately went and started researching hotels, locations etc..  this impressed me.  Seems so simple right?  So our original date didn't work out, he asked if i could a whole weekend away..  I was floored....  Wait WHAT?  Can I get a WHOLE weekend away...  You mean you want to spend a WHOLE weekend away with ME?  ME?  NO kids, nothing.. just you and me.. I checked my online calendar, found a weekend that worked, texted the ex and said..  I am going away for the weekend...  We talked about a few places,he continued to check out things.. I told him I didn't care where we went... So... short story long...  I get a text yesterday telling me that he has looked in to 4 different places... called them... and decided where he wants us to go.. and it's a surprise.. I have NO idea, for now..  where we are going..  but this is the thing.. with my ex.. this would have all fallen on me.. if I wanted us to go away, then I would have had to have booked it... thought of where to go, when to go, called, researched and what not..  booked it.  So it's unbelievable to me that someone else took the initiative.  And most of you know..  I am someone that needs plans..  and I like to have concrete plans..I will ask and follow up a million times..  It's why I tend to be the one that arranges the dinners for the girls... I like to know that we have a date, time and place all set...  And I hate to be the one trying to coordinate...  ok, I have a love hate relationship with planning things.  So for someone to take an idea, run with it...  it's just completely amazing to me.  I can't even tell you how weird it is for me. 

So yeah, I am in trouble. Huge trouble...  I am smitten....  I am afraid.  I know I need to just go with it and not let my crazy and my past bleed too much in to my present.  I hate that I always feel on the edge... like I am just always waiting for the other shoe to drop... Like I am teetering on the edge.  I hope one day to realize that sometimes people are exactly as they present themselves to be... not everyone is a wolf in sheeps clothing.  It is possible for a guy to be what he says he is... and to do what he says he will.  To show up when he says he will.   I have big issues with trust and follow thru. I have big issues with feeling like I have been played a fool, that the joke is on me. 

I am trying to let go and just live in the moment.  It is hard.  but I am learning. It's nice to have someone that wants to see and be with you... and wants to be around my kids.  and wants me to be around his kid.  The three of us went to dinner the other night.  He said his daughter is really comfortable around me, and that is amazing. His ex and daughter had a jealousy issue.  I said well I know your daughter is your #1 in your life, the best I can hope for is to be #2....  or maybe #1A...

So for now, things are going well...  and it definitely scares me.  Scares me to think that I could have someone to share my life with...

Stay tuned to see how this all unfolds...

So... yeah....

Once again..  I am neglecting the blog.  I feel like I can only write when I have something truly profound or witty to say.  And well contrary to popular belief... THAT my friends.. is NOT always easy.  I know I know.. It's a shock.  I mean me, not witty at all times.  Seriously.  I do not lie.. I am not always "on". 

So I continue my walks, and I continue to reflect on my life, and then in the beautiful solitude of the dark morning..  I get shocked back to reality by almost getting bit by a dog.  Yeah, fun times..  As if I don't freak myself out enough walking alone in the darkness of the morning..  a freaking little shit yapper dog runs up and starts nipping at me..  Nice..  real nice.. .

So yeah. I have been neglecting the blog again.  I mean 21 days between blog posts.  That's unheard of in the blogesphere.  I know you all wait with bated breath for my next posting.  Logging in everyday to see.. did she.. has she..  and only to be disappointed.. 

I am sitting here at work, when I really should be writing test cases..  but for the life of me I can't get motivated.  Seriously.  I love my job, but the least favorite part of this job is writing test cases.  I mean documenting the steps I am going to take to test something..  snooza dooza...  So I am procrastinating... I know.. its not going to get written itself, but heck, neither is this blog.  So here I am..  Throwing some words down on the computer screen.  I almost said.. on paper (GASP!) but that would show my age.. and I mean how can I keep pretending that I am 29.  I mean I AM 29.. duh..  rats.. foiled again..

So let's see.. what's been going on since my last post.. the lovely written laundry list..  I have to admit I half assed that one too..

Well let's see...  I guess I have been dating someone.  I know.. Guess?  Really?  Yeah.. Ok, so I AM dating someone.  It's weird and scary for me.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am always holding my breath waiting for the day that I get the talk.. or better yet.. I get the just disappears off the face of the earth.  Why do I do this?  Because I am a freak?  Yeah, partially.  But mostly because I am scared to death.  Scared of what it would be like to share my life with someone else.  To mesh my family with his family.  How do I do that without pulling the rug out from under our already fragile feet.  I feel like I have come such a long way and have been able to bring my little family along with me.  I have spent a long time sheltering them and protecting them from what I have gone through in the last almost 3 years.  How do I introduce them to someone new.. how does this person fit into my life and theirs.

With my other relationships I existed in a bubble or a vaccuum.  I spent a lot of time apologizing for having baggage.  And shame on me for referring to my three amazingly wonderful kids as "baggage" and for me apologizing for having them.  That is my bad.  And this is where I have gotten it all wrong.  Before now...  So I approached my dating life as if I was single.  Truly single with no real responsibilites.  The guys knew I had kids, but I took such great pains to hardly bring them up.  I wanted the guy to get to know me for me.  Which there is nothing wrong with that at all..  But my kids are a huge piece of me.  While they don't define me 100%, they are a big piece of me and who I am.   I wanted so much for someone to love me, for me, but what I forgot is that they need to love me for me.. and then love me for what I am to my kids.  

It's hard to date as a single parent.  Especially one with full custody.  It's a balance all the time.  It's hard to put yourself first and your needs first when you are constantly having to schedule dates around them.  Sneaking them in after the kids go to bed, going out only on the night their dad takes them.  It was hard to do.  It was doable and boy I did a lot of it.   Everything always imploded tho.  The kids were protected and I chose guys that I knew had no staying power.  I chose people subconsciously that I knew would leave.  So when it did happen, I would be like oh well I told  you so..  but it never made me feel good about myself.  Being dumped by a loser is just as painful as being dumped by a good guy.  I mean come on.. if this guy is such a loser, and he doesnt want me..  So my self esteem suffered a bit.  Well it's always been shaky anyway.  It's hard to grow up around people that were a size zero or 2, and you aren't.  It was always hard to live up to that body image, so I suffered.  And I suffered in silence.  I never wanted to be a burden on my family.  So I never acted like my feelings mattered.  But hell.. my feelings DO matter.  And I am learning to love myself for me and who I am. 

It's part of the fake it til you make it I guess.  I need to put out into the universe that I deserve to be happy.  And I do.  Dammit..  I have been through the wringer emotionally.  Would I change it.  Not really.  Should I complain.  Not really.  I know there are people much worse off than me, but man some days.. I do just want to curl up into a ball on the floor, throw myself a pity party.. have a good cry.  Let it out.  Let it go.  Let the demons exit.

Well back to the guy..  Yes.. I met someone.  Well it's someone that I have known.  I had been interested in him for a while, but the timing wasn't right.  As luck would have it.. the timing got right.  and it scares the shit out of me.   I was not ready for anything real before.  And I even hate talking about it now because its so new and I feel like if I talk about it, then I jinx it.  Yes, I am still a little bit on the crazy side.  I am working on that.  I swear I am.  I am trying to keep the crazy in check. 

But so far so good.  It's weird for me to have someone that WANTS to see me.  That wants to be with me.  That wants to be around me and my kids.  He also has a daughter, so he wanted the kids to meet.  It was important to him that they do. 

The past couple of years when I had been dating, it was always me fabricating a relationship.  Making it something more than it was.  Ignoring that little tap on the shoulder or the red flags that were being thrown up all over the place.  I was always trying to force this other person into my world.  I wanted to parade them around to my friends, to say see.. I am not so damaged.  I still  have someone..  only it didnt really matter to me who that someone was.. it could have been anyone.  and it typically was just anyone.  I tried to mesh someone into my life.  This time..  It's a change for me.  He is inviting me into HIS world.  He takes me around his friends, he introduces me as HIS girl.  He has talked about me so most of his friends know me without even having met me.  He is proud to have me on his arm.  It's really weird for me. 

What's really weird is that I want to see him.  I want to be with him.  It's hard with the kids and schedules, but we are finding the time.  I find that I look forward to talking to him or seeing him. 

I don't know where this will go or if it's meant to go long term.  But I am liking it so far.  and this scares me.  The things that I swore that I liked or didnt like, I am looking at differently.  I was so sure I didn't like cuddling and snuggling, but I do.  I want to just lay there and feel safe and protected. 

It's hard to go from being a me or an I to a "we"...  He says "we are invited... " , "we were just talking about this" and i have to ask.. who is the we..

It's really hard for me to even put this out into the universe.. because I am afraid that I will jinx it.  I know it's stupid.  Talking about someone that makes me happy, shouldn't be a jinx. 

So we will see where this new road leads me..  It's all so new, and I am really not sure how to handle it..  so I am trying to tred lightly.. 

And to those that didn't know..  I am sorry..  I have kept this one close to the vest.  I have been protecting it..  and mostly because if it went belly up, I didn't want to explain or hear about it over and over again.  But I have to stop being so afraid..  I have just go with it and see what happens... 

Who knows.. I could be in for something great... 

Laundry list....

Some people have a bucket list.. me?  I apparently have a laundry list. And NO not THAT kind of laundry list. I prefer to pretend THAT kind of laundry doesn't exist, especially as it piles up...anyway...   my laundry list is about what I want in my next life..  ok, so not really my next life.. but my next mate..  since I have what I essentially call a second chance, I have been asked a ton of times, what it is I am looking for.  I guess saying I want it all, the whole package, that's a bit of tall order... but I have been thinking about this alot lately.  Especially since the people I had been keeping company with, were not ummm...  even close to this list...   Not to take anything away from them.. I have learned a lot about what I want and don't want in my next life. 

So this is what I have come up with..  (for now)

• I want to be the first thing you think about in the morning, and the last thing you think about at night
• I want someone that thinks about me during the day
• Someone that can't wait to talk to me or see me
• Someone that can't keep their hands off of me
• Someone that when they look at me, they get butterflies.. and the same with me for them
• Someone that is comfortable wearing a suit as well as a pair of jeans
• Someone that can have fun going out to a fancy dinner, or staying in playing scrabble
• Someone to cuddle up with on the couch watching a movie
• Someone that can keep me on my toes
• Someone to call me on my bullshit (and there is plenty of that...)
• Someone that when I am on their arm is proud to have me there
• Someone that can't wait to take me around and introduce me to his friends
• Someone that looks at me like I am the hottest girl in the room, even when I am a mess
• I want a partner, an equal
• Someone that can share the work equally
• Someone that knows when I am having a bad day, and that means, a nice glass of wine, take out and chocolate
• Someone that I can make happy
• Someone that makes me happy
• Someone that makes me laugh uncontrollably and does his best to never make me cry
• Someone to go to bed with at night, to lay in the crick of his arm, listening to him breathing
• Someone to wake up with in morning
• Someone to kiss my head and tell me things are going to be ok

I know...  Pretty simple right?  I know it's a tall order, and why shouldn't it be?  Why shouldn't I deserve the best?  I am not a Pioneer, I don't need to be settling.

I know I am a tough sell.  A single mother to 3 kids. I know this is a lot for someone.  And trust me, over the past 2.5 years, I have had these very things thrown in my face.  I know these people weren't right for me, and that we were never meant to be.  They were a mere learning experience for me.  A lesson.  They were in my life to teach me that these are the people I don't want.  That there is someone out there that can look passed my crazy, that will adore my kids and wants to build a life with me.  Is it harder now?  Yes.  But I have hope that in the end, it will be worth it.  That all that I have gone through, I will get the big payoff in the end..

When all is said and done..  I want the fairytale...

And I am still hopeful that someday my prince will come.  When I least expect it.  He will come and sweep me off my feet.

I guess for now I keep on keeping on. All the battle scars I have will have been worth it.  They have made me stronger, if not a little more skeptical, but definitely stronger and more aware.

And I figure if I put my order out in to the universe, it might be fulfilled and returned..

                                                                                       

Do as I say...

So we all know the phrase Do as I say, not as I do..  The sentiment is true.  As well as the Can't see the forest for the trees.  I use to never get that one.  What do you mean, I can't see the forest for the trees?  Huh?  I see trees in a forest.  I mean a forest by definition is a group of trees and such right?  (don't quote me on that.. I did not consult the dictionary on the actual definition...  I am adlibbing).  But anyway.. it's true... you don't see the forest for the trees.  Yes, we know there are a bunch of trees in the forest.  But how often do you look at the trees that make up the forest?  Me?  Hardly ever.  It all goes along with the whole Hindsight is 20/20.  Things make perfect sense AFTER they have happened.  When we look back and reflect on it, take our lessons from it.  It's clear as day where we went wrong, right, or whatever.  But while you are involved in it, that is when I need the insight to be 20/20.  Of course it doesn't happen that way.

So I have been thinking alot about things.  Yup.. things. I know.. Can I be any more vague.  Well more specifically, I have been realizing that I am quite the hipocrite.  I think it all goes along with the notion of seeing the forest for the trees.  I can look at someone elses situation and see where the red flags are being thrown up.  Know that they are speeding head first into a brick wall, but I can't see this for myself, in my own life.

I looked back at my journal and all of the entries were the same.  They were filled with angst and saddness and hate.  I was writing when these guys that I was "dating" would hurt me.  But the thing was, had I actually paid attention, I would have noticed that I was dating the same guy, in a different pair of pants. (I got that from my therapist..  she said before I needed to evaluate why i do the things i do, and seek out the people I do, otherwise, why end my marriage, because i will end up with the same guy with a different pair of pants...  i am paraphrasing.. but it's stuck with me.. see.. i am learning..)  So I leaf through these pages I have written, and I can't believe that I was ever in this place.  I can't believe I was so stupid as not to see the red flags being thrown up all over the place.  I couldn't be objective in  my own life because I was too invested in it.  But if this was YOUR life, I'd be calling flag on the play.   So I am a hipocrite.  I sit here on my high horse and tell you how to live your life.  That it's soo easy for me to see wall you are running straight in to.  I wonder that if I told you a story that was what I perceived as your life, but I pretended it was my life, what would you say to it?  Would it give you a different perspective to see it through someone elses eyes?  The things that we are either too blind to see, or too ashamed to admit. 

I hear stories about people unhappy in their marriages or their relationships.  That their partners don't respect them or their children, and I think, LEAVE.  Heck I did it.  It's hard, but I did it.  Then I think.. Hipocrite.  Yes, I can say that now, it's clear as day, my marriage was unfulfilling, so I ended it.  The relationship I was in was not making me happy, instead it was making me complacent.  I was indifferent to it.  So I ended it.  Yeah, but, it only took me 11 years to end this relationship.  I lived with this nagging voice inside me that kept tapping me on the shoulder saying, you aren't happy, you don't want this.. What did I do?  Did I act on it, nope. I chose to quiet this innervoice.  How did I quiet her?  I fed her.  Heck, if someone has a twinkie in their mouth they can't very well keep talking to me.. So I turned to food to quiet it.  So where am I going with this post.. (I don't know.. ha ha) It's that things can be so clear to someone else.. what I would do if I was in your situation, and it's pretty easy for me to just say, your marriage is unfullfilling, you are in an abusive relationship, you are cheating on them, etc...  so leave.  Don't stay for the kids, because it's not going to benefit them.  But it took me years to be able to do that.  And now that I did it, I think everyone else should be able to do it.  And for that.... I am sorry.  Sorry that I am a hipocrite.  That I think that just because the right situation for me was to end my marriage to save myself and my kids, that might not be the right thing.  I will always wonder how someone can stay in something that doesnt make them truly happy. 

Another piece of advice my therapist gave me that I try to remember or use when I am doing something, is to think about my daughter. Would I want her to act the way that I act?  Would I want my daughter to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy.  Would I want her to date guys that were alcoholics and addicts, turning a blind eye, because she thinks she is not worthy enough, or that she could save them, or that they will change.  That somehow these guys needed her.  Would I want her to stay in a relationship just for her kids.  Would I want her to pretend that her life was great when it wasn't.  Would I want her to feel like she was dying inside, and have to walk on eggshells, so as not to upset the other person.  Would I want her to have to shush her kids so that they didn't upset their dad when he was in a bad mood, because no one wants to endure the wrath of dad when he's in a mood.  The answer quite simply is NO.  I want better for my daughter. (and my sons as well)  I want her to have all that she wants.  I want her to be in a relationship where she is equal with her partner.  I want her to be happy and feel fulfilled.  I want her kids to see their parents happy.  I want her to have the give and take of a relationship and not just the give portion.  The things I want for her, are the things I also want for myself. 

So don't do as I say, don't do as I do..  Do as you wish....  and make sure that you are doing what YOU wish.. for YOUR benefit... 

And for now I am going to take my hipocritical self and get back to work.... 

Reflections of.....

So it's official..  finally.. divorced.  Yup.  I know.. it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming.  I have to admit.. fear of the unknown kept me from actually finishing up this chapter of my life.  But I did it.. I finally did it.  I am super proud of myself. 

I have to say, the actual process of standing in front of a judge, undoing your marriage, is kind of..  uneventful.

There was no music, there were no flowers, I wasn't in a pretty dress with my hair did.  My beloved wasn't waiting for me at the end of the aisle.  I didn't have friends and family there to cheer me on.  There were no adorable flower girls, ring bearers, ushers or bridesmaids.  My parents weren't there to hold my hand to walk me down and pass me off to the man that would become my husband. 

I can tell you what there was...   8 benches of people just like me.  People that were there to undo a committment that was supposed to be til death do you part... well I guess there was a death.  It was called my marriage, or the demise of it. 

There was a person in a robe "officiating" but it wasn't a priest, minister, rabbi, justice of  the peace.  It was a justice, and she was sitting there to decide my fate.

The only music that was playing was the quiet sobbing of some of the other people in the court room. 

There was no alter to stand before, we did need to make pledges and say I do.  But the I do I said this day was to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god.  Thinking back now (Since hindsight is 20-20.. or even 20-15.. I mean hindsight is so much more clear than just perfect vision.. its xray vision) to when I stood with my beloved in front of a room full of family and friends, in front of a person in a robe, had I been asked to do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. so help me god..   If I was told that I was under oath.. and lying was NOT an option..  when it came time for the minister to say.. do you take this man..  I would have had to have said.. NO..  I wasn't ready.  I didn't really want to get married.  I know most people will say.. that's not true.. you did want to get married.. but truthfully.. I  knew in my heart, I did not want to be married.  I was 23 years old.  I thought I knew everything.  Turns out I knew nothing.  I had that feeling of dred.  That I didn't want to be with this person for the rest of my life.  But what do I do instead of saying no..  I say Yes..Yes I DO pledge to be with you til death do us part.  Only that Death became the death of me as a person and the death of our marriage. 

I got on that roller coaster.  Everyone was so excited, I was getting MARRIED!!  I was caught up in the hype.  Yes, the pretty dress, a day all about me, pretty flowers, friends, a huge party in MY HONOR!!  What's not to love?  I mean honest and truly love?  The groom.  I know that sounds terrible..  but I loved him, yes, that was true.. I wasn't "in love" with him.. and that is so damn cliche right?

It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that. I knew for a long time the marriage was over.  I couldn't or wouldn't do anything about it.  Then the kids came along and its like well this marriage isn't bad.  We had so much respect for eachother, we loved the kids, we were a family.  And I mean what was wrong with me? I was always putting everyone elses needs before my own.  It was easier to stay in a marriage of convenience than to put on my big girl panties and make a concrete decision.  I am or was or am still kinda sorta what one would call a classic avoider.  I never want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to be the one that causes anyone pain deliberately.  So how could I say what I honestly and truly felt? That this was NOT the life or marriage I wanted?  I went through great pains to not have to be alone with my husband (or ex husband now, still kind of weird to say that).  I had my oldest sleep in the bed with me, so he couldn't. Then the twins came along and well it was best that we each took a twin and took care of our respective child at night.  I just made excuses after excuses.  And while I was busy doing that, he was busy too. Realizing that there were people out there that wanted to be with him and enjoyed being with him.. and so..  that was that... Without saying too much more...  there was a confession, a few weeks of indecision on if I could stay and continue to live the way I was.. then there was a perverbial pulling of the plug. 

I put the kibosh on my marriage.  I ended it.  I said these words one day in the therapists office "I can't do this anymore"...  and so it goes..  and so it goes.. and so will you soon I suppose...  That was it.  The hardest sentence I have uttered in my life.  I said the words that I had been thinking for years, but was never strong enough to actually say.  I did it.  I made the toughest choice in my life.  Yes, I could have stayed, we would still be together, I am certain.  Our life together wasn't bad.  I was fairly content.  He had his friends, I had mine. We both had the freedom to come and go as we pleased.  I had a second income coming in, I had a built in babysitter for when I wanted to just run to the store.  I had an extra set of hands at bed time.  I had a lot of freedom, but what I didn't have was me.  I didn't know who the hell I was anymore.  I was a mere shell of my former self.  I just existed.

So when I pulled the plug.  It was hard.  There was a ripple effect.  The decision just didn't effect me.  I had 3 kids to think about.  Believe me after I said those words, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  When the kids had a hard time adjusting to the separation, I debated if I was doing the right thing.  I mean why do I think that I had the right to make a decision that would make ME happy?  The kids were hurting and I felt like it was MY fault.  Yes, I know it wasn't.. but when you see your kids hurting and you know that it was something you did...  it's hard NOT to blame myself.  I knew in my heart, I was making the right decision.  It was a tough decision, but it was the right one.  For me, for the kids, for my ex.  It took a long time, but I think we are adjusting to life just fine.  The kids are happy for the most part.  They can see their parents in a loving and healthy relationship with eachother, just because we are not together anymore, doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving him.  This man gave me 3 beautiful children and a nice life.  We had a good, decent marriage.  It just wasn't good enough.  It wasn't fair to be in a marriage that we both settled for.  Because it was easier. 

I get why people stay for the kids.  I do.  It's hard to be a single parent.  It's hard to make the tough decisions.  It's hard to shuffle your kids off for a night or a weekend.  But then you know what.. it gets easier.  and it just feels right.  I hear the kids laughing and playing in the next room right now and I know that things are right. 

I am proud of myself for being able to make the tough decision. That I didn't stay for the convenience of it, or the ease of it.  I pulled the plug because it was the right thing to do.  My marriage had a DNR order attached to it.. and I respected it's wishes.

In closing of this post.. I do need to add that I am not bitter or jaded towards my ex. He was a good husband and is an amazing dad.  For all his faults, he was always the most loving and caring person.  I see him with the kids and I am glad that he is their dad.  He is still there for me emotionally if I need it, and  physically if I need something taken care of around the house, financially if I was struggling.  We are just better off apart than together.  He knows that and I know that.  And for that reason, we were able to drive in to Boston together, walk into the courtroom together, and end our marriage together.  Just the way it started on that gorgeous day in October 1996, with love and respect and some laughs, it ended on a gorgeous day in September 2010, with love, respect and laughs. 

I am forever thankful to him for giving me back my life.  I wish him nothing but a life filled with love and happiness, as I know that he truly wishes me the same.

Time marches on... and on and on...

It amazes me how quickly time can fly.... while on some days, it feels like an eternity.  When you are struggling with something or coping with a loss of any time, it seems that time stands still.  It really doesn't.  Time and days move so quickly. 

I cannot believe it's the start of the new school year already.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that is in 5th grade.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that now has a facebook page and a cellphone.
I can't believe my "baby" is 10. 

It seemed like just yesterday I was going through rounds and rounds of fertility treatments to have him.  While it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and then bringing  home this beautiful, perfect little newborn. It also seems like a lifetime ago.  I know.. kinda weird. 

I am learning that if we don't appreciate the moments we  have now, they slip away so quickly and then they are gone.  Gone forever.  We may capture them on film, but how much time do we spend taking the pictures and not being a participant in the moment.  While having pictures to capture the moment is great, we at that second are missing the moment as well.  It's a double edged sword.

It's bittersweet that my two littlest "babies" will be entering K next week.  I can't believe they are 5 and so grown up. 

My mom always said to me, enjoy them when they are little, because they grow up so fast, and once they hit school, forget it.  Time goes so quickly.  and she was right.  I can clearly remember going through rounds and rounds of fertility for the twins.  Going for almost a year being subjected to shots after shots, filling my body with hormones only to be told, the cycle won't happen.  I remember just like it was yesterday, the call I got saying that the current clinic I was at couldn't help me.  That my fertility issues had worsened in 3 years.  That I was going to have to go for IVF and at another facility.  So it was starting all over again.  I remember so clearly just falling apart with the thought that my body had given up on me and there was nothing I could do about it.  It was a difficult time to have that realization, but I was still lucky.  Lucky that I still had a chance to have another child, they didn't tell me it was hopeless, just a different road I would have to travel.  And it was a difficult road, each time the treatment wasn't successful was harder to take than the last time.  Finally it worked after 3 long rounds of IVF.  I was blessed with my two beautiful children.  My two "babies" that are now entering Kindergarten.  Time sure has flown. 

I think back to bringing them home from the hospital.  The sleepless nights and latenight feedings, all seem a distant memory.  People ask how I did it with 2 newborns.  I just smile and laugh and say, it wasn't so bad.  I honestly don't remember if it was hard or not.  It just was.  It was what I had to do.  There was no way around it. 

I am really blessed to have my little family.  It is a struggle being a single mom to 3 kids.  Life is always about balance and worry. 

With the new school year, there is always a big worry for me.  It's hard to have a child that is "different".  One that doesn't quite fit the mold of all the others.  while I know it's selfish of me to say it's hard for me, it's even harder for him.  And some days, I forget that.  Somedays I need a good reality slap in the face to remember, my struggle with this, is nothing compared to his.  I only have to deal with the fall out of it, I don't have to be the one living inside of a body that I know is different from everyone else.  I don't have to struggle to try to fit in, or figure out how to navigate a world that doesn't know how to accept or deal with someone that is slightly different.  I feel guilty when some days I think.. why can't he just be "normal".  Or I struggle with the thought that maybe the same drugs that I  had to use to assist me in having him are the same ones that caused him to be a little different.  It's a constant worry when you send your child off to school.  You can no longer protect them from society.  I can only teach him to be tolerant of others, and hope and pray that other parents teach their kids the same.  Everyone is special and unique in their own way.  Some kids march to their own drummer, and that is ok.  It is why I am glad I live where I do.  Yeah, it's not the best city in the world, it's a lower income community.  It's an amazingly diverse community.  I am grateful for the experiences my kids will have growing up this way.  That they will value things that others might take for granted.  I crave diversity.  I remember living in NH when I was first married, and feeling like something was always wrong.  I realized one day what it was.  Everyone that lived there was like me.  White/vanilla.  There was no diversity and this really bothered me.  How do I teach my children (or the children I would soon have) about diversity and tolerance when everyone is the same.  I grew up in a neighborhood that was very diverse.  I am glad that my kids can experience other nationalities, ethnicities and abilities.  I am glad that they are in classrooms where there are kids that are differently abled.  To me it helps with tolerance, and it helps to know that my kids will grow up learning to tolerate and understand that we are not all alike, and that's ok.  Especially coming from someone who has a child that marches to his own drum, and having a potential second child that does as well. 

We are all unique.  We must celebrate our differences.  Learn from them, embrace them. 

I am learning so much about myself and others, it's amazing.  I have to say that therapy has worked wonders for me.  I am the first to admit that I was a skeptic.  I didn't get it.  But now I get it and I embrace it.  While I might not always follow the best path still, I am learning to be braver than I ever was.  I know that when life kicks me down I am capable of getting back up and moving forward.  Life is all about moving forward.  We can't live it backwards or in the past.  We need to face each day.

I have a lot to learn still.  I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to love someone again. And truthfully I am not sure that I ever can do either of these.  I am sure at some point I might, but trust is a tough thing to give to someone else.

The past few weeks have been pretty surreal to me too.  I realized that while I had been closing myself off to actually finding love or wanting to spend time with someone, that I do miss it.  I miss the intitmacy.  I am so quick to get to the physical part that I forget about the intimate part.  It is nice to lay in bed with someone and laugh and joke, to share dreams with, to lay in the crick of the arm with someone, to just wake up with someone by your side.  Maybe someday I will find that all again.  I won't settle for less than I deserve.

And once again.. this blog is all over the place.. I know.. it's a shocker..  ha ha..

if you have read this far..  I commend you!  :) 

Enjoy the silence....

So I have been without a computer for almost a week now.  Well without a HOME computer.  I obviously have access to a computer at work, seeing as this is 2010 and not 1910.  But anyway.. So I have a reason for neglecting my blog.  I had a really really really witty blog all written in my head.  I know.  I say that ALL the time.  But I did. 

I realized something very interesting this past weekend.  I don't know how to just be.  I don't know how to just sit and do nothing.  I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..).  I am in a constant state of go.  I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.

So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could..  but anyway..  so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend.  I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond.  I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains.  It's so damn quiet and peaceful.  And that was the problem.  It was so damn quiet and peaceful.  At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence.  I don't know what it  means to truly do nothing.  I do  have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time.  But I am never truly doing nothing.  I am always doing something.

So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees.  I have a book in hand.  Ahh.. bliss right?  WRONG.. I am completely anxious.  I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me.  And I can't.  I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it.  I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it.  I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...

God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself. 
i dont need to be active, i can just be

so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so.  It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle.  That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings.  Enjoy the silence, the quiet.  The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street.   The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became. 

And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax.  I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind.  Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay.  I guess we are a society that is always on the go.  We always have to be occupied.  Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work.  Why cant we just be lazy once in a while.  I think we have earned it.  Well I know I have earned it. 

Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts.  The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth".  It is so true.  When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences.  And that is tough.  You have to be honest with yourself.  I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in.  When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear.  Too scary to just be. 

but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there.  I wish I could just "be" more. 

I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate.  I was grateful to have the time I did get.  The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything.  No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be.  I didn't have to be anything to anyone.  I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year.  I got to just be, and just be me.  No stress, nothing.  And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit.  Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit. 

Somedays...

Somedays.. I don't want to be the adult..  I don't want the responsibilites of being the adult.  I don't want to make all the decisions.. 

Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party. 

Today is one of those days..  I seem to be in a bit of a funk.  So many weird things have been happening.  People from the past surfacing.  The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away. 

I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me.  I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel.  Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this.  I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life.. 

With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still  have issue with. 

I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:

An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked.  They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings.   An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it.  So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves. 

So today is one of those days..  when I sit and reflect on things.  I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle. 

It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies..  sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry.  Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know. 

Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life..  my guess is not really.  Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it..  something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it. 

So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down..  These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom..  off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter...