Do as I say...

So we all know the phrase Do as I say, not as I do..  The sentiment is true.  As well as the Can't see the forest for the trees.  I use to never get that one.  What do you mean, I can't see the forest for the trees?  Huh?  I see trees in a forest.  I mean a forest by definition is a group of trees and such right?  (don't quote me on that.. I did not consult the dictionary on the actual definition...  I am adlibbing).  But anyway.. it's true... you don't see the forest for the trees.  Yes, we know there are a bunch of trees in the forest.  But how often do you look at the trees that make up the forest?  Me?  Hardly ever.  It all goes along with the whole Hindsight is 20/20.  Things make perfect sense AFTER they have happened.  When we look back and reflect on it, take our lessons from it.  It's clear as day where we went wrong, right, or whatever.  But while you are involved in it, that is when I need the insight to be 20/20.  Of course it doesn't happen that way.

So I have been thinking alot about things.  Yup.. things. I know.. Can I be any more vague.  Well more specifically, I have been realizing that I am quite the hipocrite.  I think it all goes along with the notion of seeing the forest for the trees.  I can look at someone elses situation and see where the red flags are being thrown up.  Know that they are speeding head first into a brick wall, but I can't see this for myself, in my own life.

I looked back at my journal and all of the entries were the same.  They were filled with angst and saddness and hate.  I was writing when these guys that I was "dating" would hurt me.  But the thing was, had I actually paid attention, I would have noticed that I was dating the same guy, in a different pair of pants. (I got that from my therapist..  she said before I needed to evaluate why i do the things i do, and seek out the people I do, otherwise, why end my marriage, because i will end up with the same guy with a different pair of pants...  i am paraphrasing.. but it's stuck with me.. see.. i am learning..)  So I leaf through these pages I have written, and I can't believe that I was ever in this place.  I can't believe I was so stupid as not to see the red flags being thrown up all over the place.  I couldn't be objective in  my own life because I was too invested in it.  But if this was YOUR life, I'd be calling flag on the play.   So I am a hipocrite.  I sit here on my high horse and tell you how to live your life.  That it's soo easy for me to see wall you are running straight in to.  I wonder that if I told you a story that was what I perceived as your life, but I pretended it was my life, what would you say to it?  Would it give you a different perspective to see it through someone elses eyes?  The things that we are either too blind to see, or too ashamed to admit. 

I hear stories about people unhappy in their marriages or their relationships.  That their partners don't respect them or their children, and I think, LEAVE.  Heck I did it.  It's hard, but I did it.  Then I think.. Hipocrite.  Yes, I can say that now, it's clear as day, my marriage was unfulfilling, so I ended it.  The relationship I was in was not making me happy, instead it was making me complacent.  I was indifferent to it.  So I ended it.  Yeah, but, it only took me 11 years to end this relationship.  I lived with this nagging voice inside me that kept tapping me on the shoulder saying, you aren't happy, you don't want this.. What did I do?  Did I act on it, nope. I chose to quiet this innervoice.  How did I quiet her?  I fed her.  Heck, if someone has a twinkie in their mouth they can't very well keep talking to me.. So I turned to food to quiet it.  So where am I going with this post.. (I don't know.. ha ha) It's that things can be so clear to someone else.. what I would do if I was in your situation, and it's pretty easy for me to just say, your marriage is unfullfilling, you are in an abusive relationship, you are cheating on them, etc...  so leave.  Don't stay for the kids, because it's not going to benefit them.  But it took me years to be able to do that.  And now that I did it, I think everyone else should be able to do it.  And for that.... I am sorry.  Sorry that I am a hipocrite.  That I think that just because the right situation for me was to end my marriage to save myself and my kids, that might not be the right thing.  I will always wonder how someone can stay in something that doesnt make them truly happy. 

Another piece of advice my therapist gave me that I try to remember or use when I am doing something, is to think about my daughter. Would I want her to act the way that I act?  Would I want my daughter to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy.  Would I want her to date guys that were alcoholics and addicts, turning a blind eye, because she thinks she is not worthy enough, or that she could save them, or that they will change.  That somehow these guys needed her.  Would I want her to stay in a relationship just for her kids.  Would I want her to pretend that her life was great when it wasn't.  Would I want her to feel like she was dying inside, and have to walk on eggshells, so as not to upset the other person.  Would I want her to have to shush her kids so that they didn't upset their dad when he was in a bad mood, because no one wants to endure the wrath of dad when he's in a mood.  The answer quite simply is NO.  I want better for my daughter. (and my sons as well)  I want her to have all that she wants.  I want her to be in a relationship where she is equal with her partner.  I want her to be happy and feel fulfilled.  I want her kids to see their parents happy.  I want her to have the give and take of a relationship and not just the give portion.  The things I want for her, are the things I also want for myself. 

So don't do as I say, don't do as I do..  Do as you wish....  and make sure that you are doing what YOU wish.. for YOUR benefit... 

And for now I am going to take my hipocritical self and get back to work....