The more I learn.. the less I realize I know...

I have been in therapy for close to 3 years now.  I have learned lots and lots about myself.  I am becoming more and more honest with myself and others everyday.  I have started to trust my therapist more than I had in the past.  I know.. it's weird that I wouldn't trust her, I adore her.  But truth be told, when I first thought about going to therapy I didn't get it.  I didn't understand it.  I mean come on.. you want ME to tell my whoa's to a complets stranger and what, she gets to sit there across from and judge me and the choices I have made..  Yeah.. thanks, but NO thanks.  But still I went.  and I started to learn that I could open up to someone, that it was not her job to criticize me, but it was her job to point out things and places that I have gone wrong, and she has taught me to think before I act, or she has ATTEMPTED to teach me this.  I have learned so much from her, that it amazes me how I have functioned.  I cant tolerate bullshit the way I use to.  I dont like to let things fester and sweep them under the rug anymore.  I have learned to stand up and face some of my fears. 

Then of course, when it comes to relationships...  I still feel like the lost scared little girl.  I still have this trust issue.  I still don't believe that people can be who they say they are.  Not everyone has an ulterior motive. 

As you know I am dating a perfectly lovely guy.  We have fun together, we laugh, joke, etc.  We get along so well.  I adore him and he adores me.  The kids like him and his daughter likes me.  He calls, he wants to see me, he takes me out places, introduces me to his friends and family, he has met some of my friends and family, he is taking me and my mom out to a show next weekend.  Things are great. 

So what's the problem?  ME!  I still think that if he is late in calling or he says I will call you later, that if he doesn't, it's over.  I still have this knee jerk reaction.  I still want to cut right to the quick.  I get this fuck you attitude.  Why?  I DONT KNOW... I wish that I could shred this cloak of self doubt I carry around.  I wish I could trust in someone.  I mean the damage that has been done to me is so deep. Even I have trouble with it. 

I can't stand myself when I get all worked up like that.  Perfectly innocent things, I blow out of proportion.  It's like I look for a way to sabotage... and what plays in my head...  the Beastie Boys song... listen up y'all it's a sabotage. 

If I feel wronged, then I want immediate revenge.. I think.. hmmm..  what can I do to really show this person I am pissed off..  even though they have done nothing wrong, but in my mind they have.. I have created this elaborate scene in which I am being wronged..  and I hate it.  I am trying to not do this.  I don't want to ruin this, but I always feel like I better prepare for the worst...  Why can't I just relish in the good. 

My question is will I ever be able to sit back and relax... 

It's pretty sad to know that someone adores you, loves being with you, and all that, and still I can't relax about it.  I know its a new relationship and things take time. 

it's easy for others to say, just go with the flow, just relax and enjoy it, dont read too much in to it.  but it's how i have lived my life for years.  its the pain and disappointment i have lived with.  I cant help it.  I am trying, but it bleeds through. 

and it still makes me wonder.. am i really destined to be happy?  i sure as hell hope so, because i want to be happy.  i want to be able to shake off the doubt and just live.  I want to throw caution to the wind and jump in...  it's just hard for me...

i figured if i write this out.. for the universe to see... and my 6 followers.. that it will keep me in check.. i need to be kept in check.. i need the smack in the face that says WAKE UP.. .

i guess the good news, is that i kept the crazy to myself.  i didn't let it show.. too much.. of course i did a wee bit.. but i am learning...  and i am trying.. and i guess that is all i can do at this point..  trust takes time.. and in the end..  i will be worth it to the person that can break me of my crazy...

and for now.. i am off..