Enjoy the silence....

So I have been without a computer for almost a week now.  Well without a HOME computer.  I obviously have access to a computer at work, seeing as this is 2010 and not 1910.  But anyway.. So I have a reason for neglecting my blog.  I had a really really really witty blog all written in my head.  I know.  I say that ALL the time.  But I did. 

I realized something very interesting this past weekend.  I don't know how to just be.  I don't know how to just sit and do nothing.  I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..).  I am in a constant state of go.  I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.

So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could..  but anyway..  so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend.  I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond.  I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains.  It's so damn quiet and peaceful.  And that was the problem.  It was so damn quiet and peaceful.  At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence.  I don't know what it  means to truly do nothing.  I do  have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time.  But I am never truly doing nothing.  I am always doing something.

So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees.  I have a book in hand.  Ahh.. bliss right?  WRONG.. I am completely anxious.  I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me.  And I can't.  I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it.  I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it.  I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...

God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself. 
i dont need to be active, i can just be

so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so.  It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle.  That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings.  Enjoy the silence, the quiet.  The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street.   The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became. 

And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax.  I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind.  Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay.  I guess we are a society that is always on the go.  We always have to be occupied.  Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work.  Why cant we just be lazy once in a while.  I think we have earned it.  Well I know I have earned it. 

Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts.  The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth".  It is so true.  When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences.  And that is tough.  You have to be honest with yourself.  I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in.  When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear.  Too scary to just be. 

but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there.  I wish I could just "be" more. 

I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate.  I was grateful to have the time I did get.  The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything.  No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be.  I didn't have to be anything to anyone.  I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year.  I got to just be, and just be me.  No stress, nothing.  And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit.  Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit.