Time marches on... and on and on...

It amazes me how quickly time can fly.... while on some days, it feels like an eternity.  When you are struggling with something or coping with a loss of any time, it seems that time stands still.  It really doesn't.  Time and days move so quickly. 

I cannot believe it's the start of the new school year already.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that is in 5th grade.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that now has a facebook page and a cellphone.
I can't believe my "baby" is 10. 

It seemed like just yesterday I was going through rounds and rounds of fertility treatments to have him.  While it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and then bringing  home this beautiful, perfect little newborn. It also seems like a lifetime ago.  I know.. kinda weird. 

I am learning that if we don't appreciate the moments we  have now, they slip away so quickly and then they are gone.  Gone forever.  We may capture them on film, but how much time do we spend taking the pictures and not being a participant in the moment.  While having pictures to capture the moment is great, we at that second are missing the moment as well.  It's a double edged sword.

It's bittersweet that my two littlest "babies" will be entering K next week.  I can't believe they are 5 and so grown up. 

My mom always said to me, enjoy them when they are little, because they grow up so fast, and once they hit school, forget it.  Time goes so quickly.  and she was right.  I can clearly remember going through rounds and rounds of fertility for the twins.  Going for almost a year being subjected to shots after shots, filling my body with hormones only to be told, the cycle won't happen.  I remember just like it was yesterday, the call I got saying that the current clinic I was at couldn't help me.  That my fertility issues had worsened in 3 years.  That I was going to have to go for IVF and at another facility.  So it was starting all over again.  I remember so clearly just falling apart with the thought that my body had given up on me and there was nothing I could do about it.  It was a difficult time to have that realization, but I was still lucky.  Lucky that I still had a chance to have another child, they didn't tell me it was hopeless, just a different road I would have to travel.  And it was a difficult road, each time the treatment wasn't successful was harder to take than the last time.  Finally it worked after 3 long rounds of IVF.  I was blessed with my two beautiful children.  My two "babies" that are now entering Kindergarten.  Time sure has flown. 

I think back to bringing them home from the hospital.  The sleepless nights and latenight feedings, all seem a distant memory.  People ask how I did it with 2 newborns.  I just smile and laugh and say, it wasn't so bad.  I honestly don't remember if it was hard or not.  It just was.  It was what I had to do.  There was no way around it. 

I am really blessed to have my little family.  It is a struggle being a single mom to 3 kids.  Life is always about balance and worry. 

With the new school year, there is always a big worry for me.  It's hard to have a child that is "different".  One that doesn't quite fit the mold of all the others.  while I know it's selfish of me to say it's hard for me, it's even harder for him.  And some days, I forget that.  Somedays I need a good reality slap in the face to remember, my struggle with this, is nothing compared to his.  I only have to deal with the fall out of it, I don't have to be the one living inside of a body that I know is different from everyone else.  I don't have to struggle to try to fit in, or figure out how to navigate a world that doesn't know how to accept or deal with someone that is slightly different.  I feel guilty when some days I think.. why can't he just be "normal".  Or I struggle with the thought that maybe the same drugs that I  had to use to assist me in having him are the same ones that caused him to be a little different.  It's a constant worry when you send your child off to school.  You can no longer protect them from society.  I can only teach him to be tolerant of others, and hope and pray that other parents teach their kids the same.  Everyone is special and unique in their own way.  Some kids march to their own drummer, and that is ok.  It is why I am glad I live where I do.  Yeah, it's not the best city in the world, it's a lower income community.  It's an amazingly diverse community.  I am grateful for the experiences my kids will have growing up this way.  That they will value things that others might take for granted.  I crave diversity.  I remember living in NH when I was first married, and feeling like something was always wrong.  I realized one day what it was.  Everyone that lived there was like me.  White/vanilla.  There was no diversity and this really bothered me.  How do I teach my children (or the children I would soon have) about diversity and tolerance when everyone is the same.  I grew up in a neighborhood that was very diverse.  I am glad that my kids can experience other nationalities, ethnicities and abilities.  I am glad that they are in classrooms where there are kids that are differently abled.  To me it helps with tolerance, and it helps to know that my kids will grow up learning to tolerate and understand that we are not all alike, and that's ok.  Especially coming from someone who has a child that marches to his own drum, and having a potential second child that does as well. 

We are all unique.  We must celebrate our differences.  Learn from them, embrace them. 

I am learning so much about myself and others, it's amazing.  I have to say that therapy has worked wonders for me.  I am the first to admit that I was a skeptic.  I didn't get it.  But now I get it and I embrace it.  While I might not always follow the best path still, I am learning to be braver than I ever was.  I know that when life kicks me down I am capable of getting back up and moving forward.  Life is all about moving forward.  We can't live it backwards or in the past.  We need to face each day.

I have a lot to learn still.  I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to love someone again. And truthfully I am not sure that I ever can do either of these.  I am sure at some point I might, but trust is a tough thing to give to someone else.

The past few weeks have been pretty surreal to me too.  I realized that while I had been closing myself off to actually finding love or wanting to spend time with someone, that I do miss it.  I miss the intitmacy.  I am so quick to get to the physical part that I forget about the intimate part.  It is nice to lay in bed with someone and laugh and joke, to share dreams with, to lay in the crick of the arm with someone, to just wake up with someone by your side.  Maybe someday I will find that all again.  I won't settle for less than I deserve.

And once again.. this blog is all over the place.. I know.. it's a shocker..  ha ha..

if you have read this far..  I commend you!  :)