Once again.. I am neglecting the blog. I feel like I can only write when I have something truly profound or witty to say. And well contrary to popular belief... THAT my friends.. is NOT always easy. I know I know.. It's a shock. I mean me, not witty at all times. Seriously. I do not lie.. I am not always "on".
So I continue my walks, and I continue to reflect on my life, and then in the beautiful solitude of the dark morning.. I get shocked back to reality by almost getting bit by a dog. Yeah, fun times.. As if I don't freak myself out enough walking alone in the darkness of the morning.. a freaking little shit yapper dog runs up and starts nipping at me.. Nice.. real nice.. .
So yeah. I have been neglecting the blog again. I mean 21 days between blog posts. That's unheard of in the blogesphere. I know you all wait with bated breath for my next posting. Logging in everyday to see.. did she.. has she.. and only to be disappointed..
I am sitting here at work, when I really should be writing test cases.. but for the life of me I can't get motivated. Seriously. I love my job, but the least favorite part of this job is writing test cases. I mean documenting the steps I am going to take to test something.. snooza dooza... So I am procrastinating... I know.. its not going to get written itself, but heck, neither is this blog. So here I am.. Throwing some words down on the computer screen. I almost said.. on paper (GASP!) but that would show my age.. and I mean how can I keep pretending that I am 29. I mean I AM 29.. duh.. rats.. foiled again..
So let's see.. what's been going on since my last post.. the lovely written laundry list.. I have to admit I half assed that one too..
Well let's see... I guess I have been dating someone. I know.. Guess? Really? Yeah.. Ok, so I AM dating someone. It's weird and scary for me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am always holding my breath waiting for the day that I get the talk.. or better yet.. I get the just disappears off the face of the earth. Why do I do this? Because I am a freak? Yeah, partially. But mostly because I am scared to death. Scared of what it would be like to share my life with someone else. To mesh my family with his family. How do I do that without pulling the rug out from under our already fragile feet. I feel like I have come such a long way and have been able to bring my little family along with me. I have spent a long time sheltering them and protecting them from what I have gone through in the last almost 3 years. How do I introduce them to someone new.. how does this person fit into my life and theirs.
With my other relationships I existed in a bubble or a vaccuum. I spent a lot of time apologizing for having baggage. And shame on me for referring to my three amazingly wonderful kids as "baggage" and for me apologizing for having them. That is my bad. And this is where I have gotten it all wrong. Before now... So I approached my dating life as if I was single. Truly single with no real responsibilites. The guys knew I had kids, but I took such great pains to hardly bring them up. I wanted the guy to get to know me for me. Which there is nothing wrong with that at all.. But my kids are a huge piece of me. While they don't define me 100%, they are a big piece of me and who I am. I wanted so much for someone to love me, for me, but what I forgot is that they need to love me for me.. and then love me for what I am to my kids.
It's hard to date as a single parent. Especially one with full custody. It's a balance all the time. It's hard to put yourself first and your needs first when you are constantly having to schedule dates around them. Sneaking them in after the kids go to bed, going out only on the night their dad takes them. It was hard to do. It was doable and boy I did a lot of it. Everything always imploded tho. The kids were protected and I chose guys that I knew had no staying power. I chose people subconsciously that I knew would leave. So when it did happen, I would be like oh well I told you so.. but it never made me feel good about myself. Being dumped by a loser is just as painful as being dumped by a good guy. I mean come on.. if this guy is such a loser, and he doesnt want me.. So my self esteem suffered a bit. Well it's always been shaky anyway. It's hard to grow up around people that were a size zero or 2, and you aren't. It was always hard to live up to that body image, so I suffered. And I suffered in silence. I never wanted to be a burden on my family. So I never acted like my feelings mattered. But hell.. my feelings DO matter. And I am learning to love myself for me and who I am.
It's part of the fake it til you make it I guess. I need to put out into the universe that I deserve to be happy. And I do. Dammit.. I have been through the wringer emotionally. Would I change it. Not really. Should I complain. Not really. I know there are people much worse off than me, but man some days.. I do just want to curl up into a ball on the floor, throw myself a pity party.. have a good cry. Let it out. Let it go. Let the demons exit.
Well back to the guy.. Yes.. I met someone. Well it's someone that I have known. I had been interested in him for a while, but the timing wasn't right. As luck would have it.. the timing got right. and it scares the shit out of me. I was not ready for anything real before. And I even hate talking about it now because its so new and I feel like if I talk about it, then I jinx it. Yes, I am still a little bit on the crazy side. I am working on that. I swear I am. I am trying to keep the crazy in check.
But so far so good. It's weird for me to have someone that WANTS to see me. That wants to be with me. That wants to be around me and my kids. He also has a daughter, so he wanted the kids to meet. It was important to him that they do.
The past couple of years when I had been dating, it was always me fabricating a relationship. Making it something more than it was. Ignoring that little tap on the shoulder or the red flags that were being thrown up all over the place. I was always trying to force this other person into my world. I wanted to parade them around to my friends, to say see.. I am not so damaged. I still have someone.. only it didnt really matter to me who that someone was.. it could have been anyone. and it typically was just anyone. I tried to mesh someone into my life. This time.. It's a change for me. He is inviting me into HIS world. He takes me around his friends, he introduces me as HIS girl. He has talked about me so most of his friends know me without even having met me. He is proud to have me on his arm. It's really weird for me.
What's really weird is that I want to see him. I want to be with him. It's hard with the kids and schedules, but we are finding the time. I find that I look forward to talking to him or seeing him.
I don't know where this will go or if it's meant to go long term. But I am liking it so far. and this scares me. The things that I swore that I liked or didnt like, I am looking at differently. I was so sure I didn't like cuddling and snuggling, but I do. I want to just lay there and feel safe and protected.
It's hard to go from being a me or an I to a "we"... He says "we are invited... " , "we were just talking about this" and i have to ask.. who is the we..
It's really hard for me to even put this out into the universe.. because I am afraid that I will jinx it. I know it's stupid. Talking about someone that makes me happy, shouldn't be a jinx.
So we will see where this new road leads me.. It's all so new, and I am really not sure how to handle it.. so I am trying to tred lightly..
And to those that didn't know.. I am sorry.. I have kept this one close to the vest. I have been protecting it.. and mostly because if it went belly up, I didn't want to explain or hear about it over and over again. But I have to stop being so afraid.. I have just go with it and see what happens...
Who knows.. I could be in for something great...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Laundry list....
Some people have a bucket list.. me? I apparently have a laundry list. And NO not THAT kind of laundry list. I prefer to pretend THAT kind of laundry doesn't exist, especially as it piles up...anyway... my laundry list is about what I want in my next life.. ok, so not really my next life.. but my next mate.. since I have what I essentially call a second chance, I have been asked a ton of times, what it is I am looking for. I guess saying I want it all, the whole package, that's a bit of tall order... but I have been thinking about this alot lately. Especially since the people I had been keeping company with, were not ummm... even close to this list... Not to take anything away from them.. I have learned a lot about what I want and don't want in my next life.
So this is what I have come up with.. (for now)
I know... Pretty simple right? I know it's a tall order, and why shouldn't it be? Why shouldn't I deserve the best? I am not a Pioneer, I don't need to be settling.
I know I am a tough sell. A single mother to 3 kids. I know this is a lot for someone. And trust me, over the past 2.5 years, I have had these very things thrown in my face. I know these people weren't right for me, and that we were never meant to be. They were a mere learning experience for me. A lesson. They were in my life to teach me that these are the people I don't want. That there is someone out there that can look passed my crazy, that will adore my kids and wants to build a life with me. Is it harder now? Yes. But I have hope that in the end, it will be worth it. That all that I have gone through, I will get the big payoff in the end..
When all is said and done.. I want the fairytale...
And I am still hopeful that someday my prince will come. When I least expect it. He will come and sweep me off my feet.
I guess for now I keep on keeping on. All the battle scars I have will have been worth it. They have made me stronger, if not a little more skeptical, but definitely stronger and more aware.
And I figure if I put my order out in to the universe, it might be fulfilled and returned..
So this is what I have come up with.. (for now)
- I want to be the first thing you think about in the morning, and the last thing you think about at night
- I want someone that thinks about me during the day
- Someone that can't wait to talk to me or see me
- Someone that can't keep their hands off of me
- Someone that when they look at me, they get butterflies.. and the same with me for them
- Someone that is comfortable wearing a suit as well as a pair of jeans
- Someone that can have fun going out to a fancy dinner, or staying in playing scrabble
- Someone to cuddle up with on the couch watching a movie
- Someone that can keep me on my toes
- Someone to call me on my bullshit (and there is plenty of that...)
- Someone that when I am on their arm is proud to have me there
- Someone that can't wait to take me around and introduce me to his friends
- Someone that looks at me like I am the hottest girl in the room, even when I am a mess
- I want a partner, an equal
- Someone that can share the work equally
- Someone that knows when I am having a bad day, and that means, a nice glass of wine, take out and chocolate
- Someone that I can make happy
- Someone that makes me happy
- Someone that makes me laugh uncontrollably and does his best to never make me cry
- Someone to go to bed with at night, to lay in the crick of his arm, listening to him breathing
- Someone to wake up with in morning
- Someone to kiss my head and tell me things are going to be ok
I know... Pretty simple right? I know it's a tall order, and why shouldn't it be? Why shouldn't I deserve the best? I am not a Pioneer, I don't need to be settling.
I know I am a tough sell. A single mother to 3 kids. I know this is a lot for someone. And trust me, over the past 2.5 years, I have had these very things thrown in my face. I know these people weren't right for me, and that we were never meant to be. They were a mere learning experience for me. A lesson. They were in my life to teach me that these are the people I don't want. That there is someone out there that can look passed my crazy, that will adore my kids and wants to build a life with me. Is it harder now? Yes. But I have hope that in the end, it will be worth it. That all that I have gone through, I will get the big payoff in the end..
When all is said and done.. I want the fairytale...
And I am still hopeful that someday my prince will come. When I least expect it. He will come and sweep me off my feet.
I guess for now I keep on keeping on. All the battle scars I have will have been worth it. They have made me stronger, if not a little more skeptical, but definitely stronger and more aware.
And I figure if I put my order out in to the universe, it might be fulfilled and returned..
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Do as I say...
So we all know the phrase Do as I say, not as I do.. The sentiment is true. As well as the Can't see the forest for the trees. I use to never get that one. What do you mean, I can't see the forest for the trees? Huh? I see trees in a forest. I mean a forest by definition is a group of trees and such right? (don't quote me on that.. I did not consult the dictionary on the actual definition... I am adlibbing). But anyway.. it's true... you don't see the forest for the trees. Yes, we know there are a bunch of trees in the forest. But how often do you look at the trees that make up the forest? Me? Hardly ever. It all goes along with the whole Hindsight is 20/20. Things make perfect sense AFTER they have happened. When we look back and reflect on it, take our lessons from it. It's clear as day where we went wrong, right, or whatever. But while you are involved in it, that is when I need the insight to be 20/20. Of course it doesn't happen that way.
So I have been thinking alot about things. Yup.. things. I know.. Can I be any more vague. Well more specifically, I have been realizing that I am quite the hipocrite. I think it all goes along with the notion of seeing the forest for the trees. I can look at someone elses situation and see where the red flags are being thrown up. Know that they are speeding head first into a brick wall, but I can't see this for myself, in my own life.
I looked back at my journal and all of the entries were the same. They were filled with angst and saddness and hate. I was writing when these guys that I was "dating" would hurt me. But the thing was, had I actually paid attention, I would have noticed that I was dating the same guy, in a different pair of pants. (I got that from my therapist.. she said before I needed to evaluate why i do the things i do, and seek out the people I do, otherwise, why end my marriage, because i will end up with the same guy with a different pair of pants... i am paraphrasing.. but it's stuck with me.. see.. i am learning..) So I leaf through these pages I have written, and I can't believe that I was ever in this place. I can't believe I was so stupid as not to see the red flags being thrown up all over the place. I couldn't be objective in my own life because I was too invested in it. But if this was YOUR life, I'd be calling flag on the play. So I am a hipocrite. I sit here on my high horse and tell you how to live your life. That it's soo easy for me to see wall you are running straight in to. I wonder that if I told you a story that was what I perceived as your life, but I pretended it was my life, what would you say to it? Would it give you a different perspective to see it through someone elses eyes? The things that we are either too blind to see, or too ashamed to admit.
I hear stories about people unhappy in their marriages or their relationships. That their partners don't respect them or their children, and I think, LEAVE. Heck I did it. It's hard, but I did it. Then I think.. Hipocrite. Yes, I can say that now, it's clear as day, my marriage was unfulfilling, so I ended it. The relationship I was in was not making me happy, instead it was making me complacent. I was indifferent to it. So I ended it. Yeah, but, it only took me 11 years to end this relationship. I lived with this nagging voice inside me that kept tapping me on the shoulder saying, you aren't happy, you don't want this.. What did I do? Did I act on it, nope. I chose to quiet this innervoice. How did I quiet her? I fed her. Heck, if someone has a twinkie in their mouth they can't very well keep talking to me.. So I turned to food to quiet it. So where am I going with this post.. (I don't know.. ha ha) It's that things can be so clear to someone else.. what I would do if I was in your situation, and it's pretty easy for me to just say, your marriage is unfullfilling, you are in an abusive relationship, you are cheating on them, etc... so leave. Don't stay for the kids, because it's not going to benefit them. But it took me years to be able to do that. And now that I did it, I think everyone else should be able to do it. And for that.... I am sorry. Sorry that I am a hipocrite. That I think that just because the right situation for me was to end my marriage to save myself and my kids, that might not be the right thing. I will always wonder how someone can stay in something that doesnt make them truly happy.
Another piece of advice my therapist gave me that I try to remember or use when I am doing something, is to think about my daughter. Would I want her to act the way that I act? Would I want my daughter to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. Would I want her to date guys that were alcoholics and addicts, turning a blind eye, because she thinks she is not worthy enough, or that she could save them, or that they will change. That somehow these guys needed her. Would I want her to stay in a relationship just for her kids. Would I want her to pretend that her life was great when it wasn't. Would I want her to feel like she was dying inside, and have to walk on eggshells, so as not to upset the other person. Would I want her to have to shush her kids so that they didn't upset their dad when he was in a bad mood, because no one wants to endure the wrath of dad when he's in a mood. The answer quite simply is NO. I want better for my daughter. (and my sons as well) I want her to have all that she wants. I want her to be in a relationship where she is equal with her partner. I want her to be happy and feel fulfilled. I want her kids to see their parents happy. I want her to have the give and take of a relationship and not just the give portion. The things I want for her, are the things I also want for myself.
So don't do as I say, don't do as I do.. Do as you wish.... and make sure that you are doing what YOU wish.. for YOUR benefit...
And for now I am going to take my hipocritical self and get back to work....
So I have been thinking alot about things. Yup.. things. I know.. Can I be any more vague. Well more specifically, I have been realizing that I am quite the hipocrite. I think it all goes along with the notion of seeing the forest for the trees. I can look at someone elses situation and see where the red flags are being thrown up. Know that they are speeding head first into a brick wall, but I can't see this for myself, in my own life.
I looked back at my journal and all of the entries were the same. They were filled with angst and saddness and hate. I was writing when these guys that I was "dating" would hurt me. But the thing was, had I actually paid attention, I would have noticed that I was dating the same guy, in a different pair of pants. (I got that from my therapist.. she said before I needed to evaluate why i do the things i do, and seek out the people I do, otherwise, why end my marriage, because i will end up with the same guy with a different pair of pants... i am paraphrasing.. but it's stuck with me.. see.. i am learning..) So I leaf through these pages I have written, and I can't believe that I was ever in this place. I can't believe I was so stupid as not to see the red flags being thrown up all over the place. I couldn't be objective in my own life because I was too invested in it. But if this was YOUR life, I'd be calling flag on the play. So I am a hipocrite. I sit here on my high horse and tell you how to live your life. That it's soo easy for me to see wall you are running straight in to. I wonder that if I told you a story that was what I perceived as your life, but I pretended it was my life, what would you say to it? Would it give you a different perspective to see it through someone elses eyes? The things that we are either too blind to see, or too ashamed to admit.
I hear stories about people unhappy in their marriages or their relationships. That their partners don't respect them or their children, and I think, LEAVE. Heck I did it. It's hard, but I did it. Then I think.. Hipocrite. Yes, I can say that now, it's clear as day, my marriage was unfulfilling, so I ended it. The relationship I was in was not making me happy, instead it was making me complacent. I was indifferent to it. So I ended it. Yeah, but, it only took me 11 years to end this relationship. I lived with this nagging voice inside me that kept tapping me on the shoulder saying, you aren't happy, you don't want this.. What did I do? Did I act on it, nope. I chose to quiet this innervoice. How did I quiet her? I fed her. Heck, if someone has a twinkie in their mouth they can't very well keep talking to me.. So I turned to food to quiet it. So where am I going with this post.. (I don't know.. ha ha) It's that things can be so clear to someone else.. what I would do if I was in your situation, and it's pretty easy for me to just say, your marriage is unfullfilling, you are in an abusive relationship, you are cheating on them, etc... so leave. Don't stay for the kids, because it's not going to benefit them. But it took me years to be able to do that. And now that I did it, I think everyone else should be able to do it. And for that.... I am sorry. Sorry that I am a hipocrite. That I think that just because the right situation for me was to end my marriage to save myself and my kids, that might not be the right thing. I will always wonder how someone can stay in something that doesnt make them truly happy.
Another piece of advice my therapist gave me that I try to remember or use when I am doing something, is to think about my daughter. Would I want her to act the way that I act? Would I want my daughter to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. Would I want her to date guys that were alcoholics and addicts, turning a blind eye, because she thinks she is not worthy enough, or that she could save them, or that they will change. That somehow these guys needed her. Would I want her to stay in a relationship just for her kids. Would I want her to pretend that her life was great when it wasn't. Would I want her to feel like she was dying inside, and have to walk on eggshells, so as not to upset the other person. Would I want her to have to shush her kids so that they didn't upset their dad when he was in a bad mood, because no one wants to endure the wrath of dad when he's in a mood. The answer quite simply is NO. I want better for my daughter. (and my sons as well) I want her to have all that she wants. I want her to be in a relationship where she is equal with her partner. I want her to be happy and feel fulfilled. I want her kids to see their parents happy. I want her to have the give and take of a relationship and not just the give portion. The things I want for her, are the things I also want for myself.
So don't do as I say, don't do as I do.. Do as you wish.... and make sure that you are doing what YOU wish.. for YOUR benefit...
And for now I am going to take my hipocritical self and get back to work....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Reflections of.....
So it's official.. finally.. divorced. Yup. I know.. it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming. I have to admit.. fear of the unknown kept me from actually finishing up this chapter of my life. But I did it.. I finally did it. I am super proud of myself.
I have to say, the actual process of standing in front of a judge, undoing your marriage, is kind of.. uneventful.
There was no music, there were no flowers, I wasn't in a pretty dress with my hair did. My beloved wasn't waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I didn't have friends and family there to cheer me on. There were no adorable flower girls, ring bearers, ushers or bridesmaids. My parents weren't there to hold my hand to walk me down and pass me off to the man that would become my husband.
I can tell you what there was... 8 benches of people just like me. People that were there to undo a committment that was supposed to be til death do you part... well I guess there was a death. It was called my marriage, or the demise of it.
There was a person in a robe "officiating" but it wasn't a priest, minister, rabbi, justice of the peace. It was a justice, and she was sitting there to decide my fate.
The only music that was playing was the quiet sobbing of some of the other people in the court room.
There was no alter to stand before, we did need to make pledges and say I do. But the I do I said this day was to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god. Thinking back now (Since hindsight is 20-20.. or even 20-15.. I mean hindsight is so much more clear than just perfect vision.. its xray vision) to when I stood with my beloved in front of a room full of family and friends, in front of a person in a robe, had I been asked to do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. so help me god.. If I was told that I was under oath.. and lying was NOT an option.. when it came time for the minister to say.. do you take this man.. I would have had to have said.. NO.. I wasn't ready. I didn't really want to get married. I know most people will say.. that's not true.. you did want to get married.. but truthfully.. I knew in my heart, I did not want to be married. I was 23 years old. I thought I knew everything. Turns out I knew nothing. I had that feeling of dred. That I didn't want to be with this person for the rest of my life. But what do I do instead of saying no.. I say Yes..Yes I DO pledge to be with you til death do us part. Only that Death became the death of me as a person and the death of our marriage.
I got on that roller coaster. Everyone was so excited, I was getting MARRIED!! I was caught up in the hype. Yes, the pretty dress, a day all about me, pretty flowers, friends, a huge party in MY HONOR!! What's not to love? I mean honest and truly love? The groom. I know that sounds terrible.. but I loved him, yes, that was true.. I wasn't "in love" with him.. and that is so damn cliche right?
It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that. I knew for a long time the marriage was over. I couldn't or wouldn't do anything about it. Then the kids came along and its like well this marriage isn't bad. We had so much respect for eachother, we loved the kids, we were a family. And I mean what was wrong with me? I was always putting everyone elses needs before my own. It was easier to stay in a marriage of convenience than to put on my big girl panties and make a concrete decision. I am or was or am still kinda sorta what one would call a classic avoider. I never want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to be the one that causes anyone pain deliberately. So how could I say what I honestly and truly felt? That this was NOT the life or marriage I wanted? I went through great pains to not have to be alone with my husband (or ex husband now, still kind of weird to say that). I had my oldest sleep in the bed with me, so he couldn't. Then the twins came along and well it was best that we each took a twin and took care of our respective child at night. I just made excuses after excuses. And while I was busy doing that, he was busy too. Realizing that there were people out there that wanted to be with him and enjoyed being with him.. and so.. that was that... Without saying too much more... there was a confession, a few weeks of indecision on if I could stay and continue to live the way I was.. then there was a perverbial pulling of the plug.
I put the kibosh on my marriage. I ended it. I said these words one day in the therapists office "I can't do this anymore"... and so it goes.. and so it goes.. and so will you soon I suppose... That was it. The hardest sentence I have uttered in my life. I said the words that I had been thinking for years, but was never strong enough to actually say. I did it. I made the toughest choice in my life. Yes, I could have stayed, we would still be together, I am certain. Our life together wasn't bad. I was fairly content. He had his friends, I had mine. We both had the freedom to come and go as we pleased. I had a second income coming in, I had a built in babysitter for when I wanted to just run to the store. I had an extra set of hands at bed time. I had a lot of freedom, but what I didn't have was me. I didn't know who the hell I was anymore. I was a mere shell of my former self. I just existed.
So when I pulled the plug. It was hard. There was a ripple effect. The decision just didn't effect me. I had 3 kids to think about. Believe me after I said those words, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. When the kids had a hard time adjusting to the separation, I debated if I was doing the right thing. I mean why do I think that I had the right to make a decision that would make ME happy? The kids were hurting and I felt like it was MY fault. Yes, I know it wasn't.. but when you see your kids hurting and you know that it was something you did... it's hard NOT to blame myself. I knew in my heart, I was making the right decision. It was a tough decision, but it was the right one. For me, for the kids, for my ex. It took a long time, but I think we are adjusting to life just fine. The kids are happy for the most part. They can see their parents in a loving and healthy relationship with eachother, just because we are not together anymore, doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving him. This man gave me 3 beautiful children and a nice life. We had a good, decent marriage. It just wasn't good enough. It wasn't fair to be in a marriage that we both settled for. Because it was easier.
I get why people stay for the kids. I do. It's hard to be a single parent. It's hard to make the tough decisions. It's hard to shuffle your kids off for a night or a weekend. But then you know what.. it gets easier. and it just feels right. I hear the kids laughing and playing in the next room right now and I know that things are right.
I am proud of myself for being able to make the tough decision. That I didn't stay for the convenience of it, or the ease of it. I pulled the plug because it was the right thing to do. My marriage had a DNR order attached to it.. and I respected it's wishes.
In closing of this post.. I do need to add that I am not bitter or jaded towards my ex. He was a good husband and is an amazing dad. For all his faults, he was always the most loving and caring person. I see him with the kids and I am glad that he is their dad. He is still there for me emotionally if I need it, and physically if I need something taken care of around the house, financially if I was struggling. We are just better off apart than together. He knows that and I know that. And for that reason, we were able to drive in to Boston together, walk into the courtroom together, and end our marriage together. Just the way it started on that gorgeous day in October 1996, with love and respect and some laughs, it ended on a gorgeous day in September 2010, with love, respect and laughs.
I am forever thankful to him for giving me back my life. I wish him nothing but a life filled with love and happiness, as I know that he truly wishes me the same.
I have to say, the actual process of standing in front of a judge, undoing your marriage, is kind of.. uneventful.
There was no music, there were no flowers, I wasn't in a pretty dress with my hair did. My beloved wasn't waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I didn't have friends and family there to cheer me on. There were no adorable flower girls, ring bearers, ushers or bridesmaids. My parents weren't there to hold my hand to walk me down and pass me off to the man that would become my husband.
I can tell you what there was... 8 benches of people just like me. People that were there to undo a committment that was supposed to be til death do you part... well I guess there was a death. It was called my marriage, or the demise of it.
There was a person in a robe "officiating" but it wasn't a priest, minister, rabbi, justice of the peace. It was a justice, and she was sitting there to decide my fate.
The only music that was playing was the quiet sobbing of some of the other people in the court room.
There was no alter to stand before, we did need to make pledges and say I do. But the I do I said this day was to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god. Thinking back now (Since hindsight is 20-20.. or even 20-15.. I mean hindsight is so much more clear than just perfect vision.. its xray vision) to when I stood with my beloved in front of a room full of family and friends, in front of a person in a robe, had I been asked to do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. so help me god.. If I was told that I was under oath.. and lying was NOT an option.. when it came time for the minister to say.. do you take this man.. I would have had to have said.. NO.. I wasn't ready. I didn't really want to get married. I know most people will say.. that's not true.. you did want to get married.. but truthfully.. I knew in my heart, I did not want to be married. I was 23 years old. I thought I knew everything. Turns out I knew nothing. I had that feeling of dred. That I didn't want to be with this person for the rest of my life. But what do I do instead of saying no.. I say Yes..Yes I DO pledge to be with you til death do us part. Only that Death became the death of me as a person and the death of our marriage.
I got on that roller coaster. Everyone was so excited, I was getting MARRIED!! I was caught up in the hype. Yes, the pretty dress, a day all about me, pretty flowers, friends, a huge party in MY HONOR!! What's not to love? I mean honest and truly love? The groom. I know that sounds terrible.. but I loved him, yes, that was true.. I wasn't "in love" with him.. and that is so damn cliche right?
It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that. I knew for a long time the marriage was over. I couldn't or wouldn't do anything about it. Then the kids came along and its like well this marriage isn't bad. We had so much respect for eachother, we loved the kids, we were a family. And I mean what was wrong with me? I was always putting everyone elses needs before my own. It was easier to stay in a marriage of convenience than to put on my big girl panties and make a concrete decision. I am or was or am still kinda sorta what one would call a classic avoider. I never want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to be the one that causes anyone pain deliberately. So how could I say what I honestly and truly felt? That this was NOT the life or marriage I wanted? I went through great pains to not have to be alone with my husband (or ex husband now, still kind of weird to say that). I had my oldest sleep in the bed with me, so he couldn't. Then the twins came along and well it was best that we each took a twin and took care of our respective child at night. I just made excuses after excuses. And while I was busy doing that, he was busy too. Realizing that there were people out there that wanted to be with him and enjoyed being with him.. and so.. that was that... Without saying too much more... there was a confession, a few weeks of indecision on if I could stay and continue to live the way I was.. then there was a perverbial pulling of the plug.
I put the kibosh on my marriage. I ended it. I said these words one day in the therapists office "I can't do this anymore"... and so it goes.. and so it goes.. and so will you soon I suppose... That was it. The hardest sentence I have uttered in my life. I said the words that I had been thinking for years, but was never strong enough to actually say. I did it. I made the toughest choice in my life. Yes, I could have stayed, we would still be together, I am certain. Our life together wasn't bad. I was fairly content. He had his friends, I had mine. We both had the freedom to come and go as we pleased. I had a second income coming in, I had a built in babysitter for when I wanted to just run to the store. I had an extra set of hands at bed time. I had a lot of freedom, but what I didn't have was me. I didn't know who the hell I was anymore. I was a mere shell of my former self. I just existed.
So when I pulled the plug. It was hard. There was a ripple effect. The decision just didn't effect me. I had 3 kids to think about. Believe me after I said those words, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. When the kids had a hard time adjusting to the separation, I debated if I was doing the right thing. I mean why do I think that I had the right to make a decision that would make ME happy? The kids were hurting and I felt like it was MY fault. Yes, I know it wasn't.. but when you see your kids hurting and you know that it was something you did... it's hard NOT to blame myself. I knew in my heart, I was making the right decision. It was a tough decision, but it was the right one. For me, for the kids, for my ex. It took a long time, but I think we are adjusting to life just fine. The kids are happy for the most part. They can see their parents in a loving and healthy relationship with eachother, just because we are not together anymore, doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving him. This man gave me 3 beautiful children and a nice life. We had a good, decent marriage. It just wasn't good enough. It wasn't fair to be in a marriage that we both settled for. Because it was easier.
I get why people stay for the kids. I do. It's hard to be a single parent. It's hard to make the tough decisions. It's hard to shuffle your kids off for a night or a weekend. But then you know what.. it gets easier. and it just feels right. I hear the kids laughing and playing in the next room right now and I know that things are right.
I am proud of myself for being able to make the tough decision. That I didn't stay for the convenience of it, or the ease of it. I pulled the plug because it was the right thing to do. My marriage had a DNR order attached to it.. and I respected it's wishes.
In closing of this post.. I do need to add that I am not bitter or jaded towards my ex. He was a good husband and is an amazing dad. For all his faults, he was always the most loving and caring person. I see him with the kids and I am glad that he is their dad. He is still there for me emotionally if I need it, and physically if I need something taken care of around the house, financially if I was struggling. We are just better off apart than together. He knows that and I know that. And for that reason, we were able to drive in to Boston together, walk into the courtroom together, and end our marriage together. Just the way it started on that gorgeous day in October 1996, with love and respect and some laughs, it ended on a gorgeous day in September 2010, with love, respect and laughs.
I am forever thankful to him for giving me back my life. I wish him nothing but a life filled with love and happiness, as I know that he truly wishes me the same.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Time marches on... and on and on...
It amazes me how quickly time can fly.... while on some days, it feels like an eternity. When you are struggling with something or coping with a loss of any time, it seems that time stands still. It really doesn't. Time and days move so quickly.
I cannot believe it's the start of the new school year already.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that is in 5th grade.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that now has a facebook page and a cellphone.
I can't believe my "baby" is 10.
It seemed like just yesterday I was going through rounds and rounds of fertility treatments to have him. While it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and then bringing home this beautiful, perfect little newborn. It also seems like a lifetime ago. I know.. kinda weird.
I am learning that if we don't appreciate the moments we have now, they slip away so quickly and then they are gone. Gone forever. We may capture them on film, but how much time do we spend taking the pictures and not being a participant in the moment. While having pictures to capture the moment is great, we at that second are missing the moment as well. It's a double edged sword.
It's bittersweet that my two littlest "babies" will be entering K next week. I can't believe they are 5 and so grown up.
My mom always said to me, enjoy them when they are little, because they grow up so fast, and once they hit school, forget it. Time goes so quickly. and she was right. I can clearly remember going through rounds and rounds of fertility for the twins. Going for almost a year being subjected to shots after shots, filling my body with hormones only to be told, the cycle won't happen. I remember just like it was yesterday, the call I got saying that the current clinic I was at couldn't help me. That my fertility issues had worsened in 3 years. That I was going to have to go for IVF and at another facility. So it was starting all over again. I remember so clearly just falling apart with the thought that my body had given up on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was a difficult time to have that realization, but I was still lucky. Lucky that I still had a chance to have another child, they didn't tell me it was hopeless, just a different road I would have to travel. And it was a difficult road, each time the treatment wasn't successful was harder to take than the last time. Finally it worked after 3 long rounds of IVF. I was blessed with my two beautiful children. My two "babies" that are now entering Kindergarten. Time sure has flown.
I think back to bringing them home from the hospital. The sleepless nights and latenight feedings, all seem a distant memory. People ask how I did it with 2 newborns. I just smile and laugh and say, it wasn't so bad. I honestly don't remember if it was hard or not. It just was. It was what I had to do. There was no way around it.
I am really blessed to have my little family. It is a struggle being a single mom to 3 kids. Life is always about balance and worry.
With the new school year, there is always a big worry for me. It's hard to have a child that is "different". One that doesn't quite fit the mold of all the others. while I know it's selfish of me to say it's hard for me, it's even harder for him. And some days, I forget that. Somedays I need a good reality slap in the face to remember, my struggle with this, is nothing compared to his. I only have to deal with the fall out of it, I don't have to be the one living inside of a body that I know is different from everyone else. I don't have to struggle to try to fit in, or figure out how to navigate a world that doesn't know how to accept or deal with someone that is slightly different. I feel guilty when some days I think.. why can't he just be "normal". Or I struggle with the thought that maybe the same drugs that I had to use to assist me in having him are the same ones that caused him to be a little different. It's a constant worry when you send your child off to school. You can no longer protect them from society. I can only teach him to be tolerant of others, and hope and pray that other parents teach their kids the same. Everyone is special and unique in their own way. Some kids march to their own drummer, and that is ok. It is why I am glad I live where I do. Yeah, it's not the best city in the world, it's a lower income community. It's an amazingly diverse community. I am grateful for the experiences my kids will have growing up this way. That they will value things that others might take for granted. I crave diversity. I remember living in NH when I was first married, and feeling like something was always wrong. I realized one day what it was. Everyone that lived there was like me. White/vanilla. There was no diversity and this really bothered me. How do I teach my children (or the children I would soon have) about diversity and tolerance when everyone is the same. I grew up in a neighborhood that was very diverse. I am glad that my kids can experience other nationalities, ethnicities and abilities. I am glad that they are in classrooms where there are kids that are differently abled. To me it helps with tolerance, and it helps to know that my kids will grow up learning to tolerate and understand that we are not all alike, and that's ok. Especially coming from someone who has a child that marches to his own drum, and having a potential second child that does as well.
We are all unique. We must celebrate our differences. Learn from them, embrace them.
I am learning so much about myself and others, it's amazing. I have to say that therapy has worked wonders for me. I am the first to admit that I was a skeptic. I didn't get it. But now I get it and I embrace it. While I might not always follow the best path still, I am learning to be braver than I ever was. I know that when life kicks me down I am capable of getting back up and moving forward. Life is all about moving forward. We can't live it backwards or in the past. We need to face each day.
I have a lot to learn still. I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to love someone again. And truthfully I am not sure that I ever can do either of these. I am sure at some point I might, but trust is a tough thing to give to someone else.
The past few weeks have been pretty surreal to me too. I realized that while I had been closing myself off to actually finding love or wanting to spend time with someone, that I do miss it. I miss the intitmacy. I am so quick to get to the physical part that I forget about the intimate part. It is nice to lay in bed with someone and laugh and joke, to share dreams with, to lay in the crick of the arm with someone, to just wake up with someone by your side. Maybe someday I will find that all again. I won't settle for less than I deserve.
And once again.. this blog is all over the place.. I know.. it's a shocker.. ha ha..
if you have read this far.. I commend you! :)
I cannot believe it's the start of the new school year already.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that is in 5th grade.
I can't believe I am the mother of a child that now has a facebook page and a cellphone.
I can't believe my "baby" is 10.
It seemed like just yesterday I was going through rounds and rounds of fertility treatments to have him. While it seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and then bringing home this beautiful, perfect little newborn. It also seems like a lifetime ago. I know.. kinda weird.
I am learning that if we don't appreciate the moments we have now, they slip away so quickly and then they are gone. Gone forever. We may capture them on film, but how much time do we spend taking the pictures and not being a participant in the moment. While having pictures to capture the moment is great, we at that second are missing the moment as well. It's a double edged sword.
It's bittersweet that my two littlest "babies" will be entering K next week. I can't believe they are 5 and so grown up.
My mom always said to me, enjoy them when they are little, because they grow up so fast, and once they hit school, forget it. Time goes so quickly. and she was right. I can clearly remember going through rounds and rounds of fertility for the twins. Going for almost a year being subjected to shots after shots, filling my body with hormones only to be told, the cycle won't happen. I remember just like it was yesterday, the call I got saying that the current clinic I was at couldn't help me. That my fertility issues had worsened in 3 years. That I was going to have to go for IVF and at another facility. So it was starting all over again. I remember so clearly just falling apart with the thought that my body had given up on me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was a difficult time to have that realization, but I was still lucky. Lucky that I still had a chance to have another child, they didn't tell me it was hopeless, just a different road I would have to travel. And it was a difficult road, each time the treatment wasn't successful was harder to take than the last time. Finally it worked after 3 long rounds of IVF. I was blessed with my two beautiful children. My two "babies" that are now entering Kindergarten. Time sure has flown.
I think back to bringing them home from the hospital. The sleepless nights and latenight feedings, all seem a distant memory. People ask how I did it with 2 newborns. I just smile and laugh and say, it wasn't so bad. I honestly don't remember if it was hard or not. It just was. It was what I had to do. There was no way around it.
I am really blessed to have my little family. It is a struggle being a single mom to 3 kids. Life is always about balance and worry.
With the new school year, there is always a big worry for me. It's hard to have a child that is "different". One that doesn't quite fit the mold of all the others. while I know it's selfish of me to say it's hard for me, it's even harder for him. And some days, I forget that. Somedays I need a good reality slap in the face to remember, my struggle with this, is nothing compared to his. I only have to deal with the fall out of it, I don't have to be the one living inside of a body that I know is different from everyone else. I don't have to struggle to try to fit in, or figure out how to navigate a world that doesn't know how to accept or deal with someone that is slightly different. I feel guilty when some days I think.. why can't he just be "normal". Or I struggle with the thought that maybe the same drugs that I had to use to assist me in having him are the same ones that caused him to be a little different. It's a constant worry when you send your child off to school. You can no longer protect them from society. I can only teach him to be tolerant of others, and hope and pray that other parents teach their kids the same. Everyone is special and unique in their own way. Some kids march to their own drummer, and that is ok. It is why I am glad I live where I do. Yeah, it's not the best city in the world, it's a lower income community. It's an amazingly diverse community. I am grateful for the experiences my kids will have growing up this way. That they will value things that others might take for granted. I crave diversity. I remember living in NH when I was first married, and feeling like something was always wrong. I realized one day what it was. Everyone that lived there was like me. White/vanilla. There was no diversity and this really bothered me. How do I teach my children (or the children I would soon have) about diversity and tolerance when everyone is the same. I grew up in a neighborhood that was very diverse. I am glad that my kids can experience other nationalities, ethnicities and abilities. I am glad that they are in classrooms where there are kids that are differently abled. To me it helps with tolerance, and it helps to know that my kids will grow up learning to tolerate and understand that we are not all alike, and that's ok. Especially coming from someone who has a child that marches to his own drum, and having a potential second child that does as well.
We are all unique. We must celebrate our differences. Learn from them, embrace them.
I am learning so much about myself and others, it's amazing. I have to say that therapy has worked wonders for me. I am the first to admit that I was a skeptic. I didn't get it. But now I get it and I embrace it. While I might not always follow the best path still, I am learning to be braver than I ever was. I know that when life kicks me down I am capable of getting back up and moving forward. Life is all about moving forward. We can't live it backwards or in the past. We need to face each day.
I have a lot to learn still. I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to love someone again. And truthfully I am not sure that I ever can do either of these. I am sure at some point I might, but trust is a tough thing to give to someone else.
The past few weeks have been pretty surreal to me too. I realized that while I had been closing myself off to actually finding love or wanting to spend time with someone, that I do miss it. I miss the intitmacy. I am so quick to get to the physical part that I forget about the intimate part. It is nice to lay in bed with someone and laugh and joke, to share dreams with, to lay in the crick of the arm with someone, to just wake up with someone by your side. Maybe someday I will find that all again. I won't settle for less than I deserve.
And once again.. this blog is all over the place.. I know.. it's a shocker.. ha ha..
if you have read this far.. I commend you! :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Enjoy the silence....
So I have been without a computer for almost a week now. Well without a HOME computer. I obviously have access to a computer at work, seeing as this is 2010 and not 1910. But anyway.. So I have a reason for neglecting my blog. I had a really really really witty blog all written in my head. I know. I say that ALL the time. But I did.
I realized something very interesting this past weekend. I don't know how to just be. I don't know how to just sit and do nothing. I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..). I am in a constant state of go. I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.
So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could.. but anyway.. so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend. I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond. I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains. It's so damn quiet and peaceful. And that was the problem. It was so damn quiet and peaceful. At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence. I don't know what it means to truly do nothing. I do have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time. But I am never truly doing nothing. I am always doing something.
So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees. I have a book in hand. Ahh.. bliss right? WRONG.. I am completely anxious. I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me. And I can't. I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it. I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it. I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...
God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself.
i dont need to be active, i can just be
so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so. It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle. That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings. Enjoy the silence, the quiet. The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street. The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became.
And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax. I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind. Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay. I guess we are a society that is always on the go. We always have to be occupied. Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work. Why cant we just be lazy once in a while. I think we have earned it. Well I know I have earned it.
Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts. The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth". It is so true. When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences. And that is tough. You have to be honest with yourself. I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in. When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear. Too scary to just be.
but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there. I wish I could just "be" more.
I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate. I was grateful to have the time I did get. The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything. No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be. I didn't have to be anything to anyone. I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year. I got to just be, and just be me. No stress, nothing. And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit. Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit.
I realized something very interesting this past weekend. I don't know how to just be. I don't know how to just sit and do nothing. I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..). I am in a constant state of go. I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.
So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could.. but anyway.. so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend. I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond. I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains. It's so damn quiet and peaceful. And that was the problem. It was so damn quiet and peaceful. At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence. I don't know what it means to truly do nothing. I do have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time. But I am never truly doing nothing. I am always doing something.
So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees. I have a book in hand. Ahh.. bliss right? WRONG.. I am completely anxious. I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me. And I can't. I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it. I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it. I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...
God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself.
i dont need to be active, i can just be
so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so. It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle. That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings. Enjoy the silence, the quiet. The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street. The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became.
And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax. I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind. Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay. I guess we are a society that is always on the go. We always have to be occupied. Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work. Why cant we just be lazy once in a while. I think we have earned it. Well I know I have earned it.
Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts. The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth". It is so true. When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences. And that is tough. You have to be honest with yourself. I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in. When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear. Too scary to just be.
but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there. I wish I could just "be" more.
I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate. I was grateful to have the time I did get. The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything. No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be. I didn't have to be anything to anyone. I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year. I got to just be, and just be me. No stress, nothing. And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit. Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Somedays...
Somedays.. I don't want to be the adult.. I don't want the responsibilites of being the adult. I don't want to make all the decisions..
Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party.
Today is one of those days.. I seem to be in a bit of a funk. So many weird things have been happening. People from the past surfacing. The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away.
I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me. I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel. Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this. I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life..
With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still have issue with.
I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:
An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings. An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves.
So today is one of those days.. when I sit and reflect on things. I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle.
It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies.. sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry. Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know.
Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life.. my guess is not really. Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it.. something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it.
So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down.. These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom.. off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter...
Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party.
Today is one of those days.. I seem to be in a bit of a funk. So many weird things have been happening. People from the past surfacing. The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away.
I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me. I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel. Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this. I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life..
With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still have issue with.
I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:
An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings. An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves.
So today is one of those days.. when I sit and reflect on things. I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle.
It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies.. sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry. Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know.
Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life.. my guess is not really. Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it.. something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it.
So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down.. These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom.. off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter...
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