I admit it... I have neglected this blog. My last posting was October 4th. Yikes. I guess that is somewhat unacceptable right?
So much has been going on, but yet, strangely I haven't had much to say. I have been really sick with bronchitis and then pneumonia. My thyroid is dangerously off and its been a chore for me on some days to get out of bed. So my blog was the least of my worries. Being a functioning adult member of society had to take precedence. I am happy to say that I am on my way to feeling better. I still don't feel that great, but I am getting better. I can get out of bed in the morning and manage a shower.
I have been in a bit of a funk because of how crappy I have been feeling. Who knew that a dead thyroid could cause so many problems. I thought at first I was falling in to a bad depression. But realized that it was because I was so sick and exhausted all the time. Thyroid controls your mood as well. Again, who knew? I really felt out of sorts. I didn't feel like myself. I don't look like myself. I was not happy with anything. I was really sucking the life out of everything. I was and still am mad at myself for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I lost my motivation. I have been laying in bed thinking I need to get up and go walking. I mean I use to walk 3 miles a day before most people were even out of bed. It was conditioned in me. Just to get up and GO. Lately, I can barely manage to get myself out of bed and dressed. Let alone the 3 little ones I am responsible. Each day gets a little better. Each day I feel a little bit better. And that is good. I need to stop beating myself up over things that I have no control over. I am going to see a specialist for my thyroid. I am taking my meds regularly. I am trying to put things into perspective and just go with it. It is hard for me. But I am trying. I can only take things one day at a time.
The past few months have been taxing. I can't lie. My boys are struggling in school. I take this burden on my shoulders.
There are good plans in place for my boys. And I am glad about that. But there is still the daily angst I live with. The angst of the phone call from school. My oldest was suspended twice in a week. It was not a good thing. He was suspended for standing up for himself. My younger son has been struggling with his sensory and aspergers. He now goes to school a shorter time than his sister (he goes a traditional day instead of an expanded learning day) and he spends the majority of his day in the PDD room. It is a smaller learning environment. He is doing fairly well in there. He still has his moments of extreme outbursts, but there are less distractions and less kids. There is more help for him. More resources. and that is great. It was discovered that my sons behavior in the classroom was becoming detrimental to my daughter. I hate to admit this, but she gets lost in the shuffle. She is good in school, she excels, she wants to learn, she loves to learn, she is sweet and outgoing, and she is respectful. She doesn't have the outbursts (ok, occassionally, but its the typical 6 year old diva going on 16) or the struggles that her brothers have. She is the "easy" one. So she tends to get pushed aside because of that. And I feel bad about it. she is the one I don't have to worry about while she is at school. She is the square peg that fits in the square whole, her brothers are the round peg trying to fit in to the square whole.
I am forever grateful to the schools my kids attend. They are really willing to work with me to help my boys.
There are days that I wonder how I am going to make it through. There are days that I am not sure I am going to make the balance work. There are days I wonder how the hell I survived the day and made it to the next. There are days I just want to check out. Days I have just had enough. Days that I sit and think I can't do this anymore. I can't be the adult. Days I don't want to be the adult. Days I don't want to the responsible party. Days I wish the burden didn't fall squarely on my shoulders all the time.
No one prepares you for parenthood. I had the naive notion that mother hood was going to be the best thing in the world. While it is, it is also the hardest and most frustrating thing in the world. Your entire life changes. For the better most days, but some days I feel like I am losing it. Losing control of everything. Am I doing a disservice to my kids? Am I doing enough for them?
I guess as the year comes to a close, another year gone. In the blink of an eye. I look back to where I was a year ago, and where I am now. So much has changed. I am a stronger person in some sense, but I am also a weaker person too. I have faults, and I am learning that is ok. I do not have to be perfect. I have to stop trying to be something I am not. I fully admit, I get jealous easily, I am not always the kindest person in the world. I make mistakes. I take people for granted at times. I take friendships and family for granted.
At the end of the day, all I can hope for is that people know I am trying my best to be the best version of myself. I might not always succeed, but I try. I fail. I get up and dust myself off and try again.
My hope for this coming year is to get back to me. To get myself back and feeling good. To get back to the girl that would walk 3 miles in a snow storm, because she liked it. Because she was so conditioned to doing it. I am going to try to be more patient with the kids, and with others. I am going to try to appreciate what I have and not get jealous of what I don't have. I am going to try to see me as others see me, not in the warped and twisted way I see myself.
It's a tall order, and I might not succeed, but that's ok. At least I am trying.
Happy New Year to all.
Wishing everyone a happy, healthy and safe new year!
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