So I have been without a computer for almost a week now. Well without a HOME computer. I obviously have access to a computer at work, seeing as this is 2010 and not 1910. But anyway.. So I have a reason for neglecting my blog. I had a really really really witty blog all written in my head. I know. I say that ALL the time. But I did.
I realized something very interesting this past weekend. I don't know how to just be. I don't know how to just sit and do nothing. I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..). I am in a constant state of go. I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.
So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could.. but anyway.. so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend. I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond. I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains. It's so damn quiet and peaceful. And that was the problem. It was so damn quiet and peaceful. At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence. I don't know what it means to truly do nothing. I do have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time. But I am never truly doing nothing. I am always doing something.
So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees. I have a book in hand. Ahh.. bliss right? WRONG.. I am completely anxious. I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me. And I can't. I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it. I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it. I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...
God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself.
i dont need to be active, i can just be
so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so. It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle. That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings. Enjoy the silence, the quiet. The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street. The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became.
And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax. I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind. Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay. I guess we are a society that is always on the go. We always have to be occupied. Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work. Why cant we just be lazy once in a while. I think we have earned it. Well I know I have earned it.
Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts. The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth". It is so true. When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences. And that is tough. You have to be honest with yourself. I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in. When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear. Too scary to just be.
but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there. I wish I could just "be" more.
I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate. I was grateful to have the time I did get. The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything. No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be. I didn't have to be anything to anyone. I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year. I got to just be, and just be me. No stress, nothing. And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit. Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Somedays...
Somedays.. I don't want to be the adult.. I don't want the responsibilites of being the adult. I don't want to make all the decisions..
Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party.
Today is one of those days.. I seem to be in a bit of a funk. So many weird things have been happening. People from the past surfacing. The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away.
I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me. I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel. Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this. I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life..
With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still have issue with.
I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:
An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings. An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves.
So today is one of those days.. when I sit and reflect on things. I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle.
It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies.. sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry. Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know.
Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life.. my guess is not really. Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it.. something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it.
So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down.. These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom.. off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter...
Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party.
Today is one of those days.. I seem to be in a bit of a funk. So many weird things have been happening. People from the past surfacing. The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away.
I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me. I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel. Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this. I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life..
With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still have issue with.
I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:
An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings. An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves.
So today is one of those days.. when I sit and reflect on things. I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle.
It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies.. sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry. Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know.
Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life.. my guess is not really. Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it.. something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it.
So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down.. These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom.. off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter...
Friday, August 6, 2010
Life imitates.. Life
Apart from neglecting my blog.. I have been doing much of nothing.. ok, that's not entirely true. I have been reading a lot, starting walking again, or trying to. Ok, so I could always WALK.. I learned that about 36 years ago.. but I mean I am walking in the morning. It's not been fun, but it's good for me. I have upped my time to an hour now. Heck, why not. I mean I am up anyway. Why not make the most of it. Of course I would rather stay in my very comfy bed...
I recently got my annual review from work. It was a really good review, which was nice to hear/see. We do 360 feedback, so you get to tell the manager exactly what you think of someone. Good times. You always hope that someone thinks highly of you, but you can never be too sure how someone percieves you. So needless to say, I get my review and review it.. a ha... come on, that was kindof.. ok, it wasn't funny at all.. but whatever.. I digress and move on..
Here's the funny/ironic part of my review.. the things that people pointed out about me, are things that I do in my personal/dating life.. Oh what are these things you may wonder... well.. let's take a look see.. they were things like.. she has great gut instincts, and she needs to trust them more... umm yeah.. like I haven't heard THAT one about the guys I date before.. Yeah.. I know he's a loser.. but no maybe not.. Umm.. yeah.. I need to trust my gut.. it's big enough.. you would think it wouldn't steer me wrong.. She needs more self confidence. What? Me? NOOOOOO.. really.. She can tend to giggle too much when she is nervous.. Again.. really? I had to giggle at that one.. I do giggle when I am nervous.. I can't help it..
So it was funny to see that how I am in my personal life is how I am in my professional life. And in both aspects of my life I have people that really want to see me succeed.
I looked at the review and then met with my boss. I had highlighted the pieces I need to work on, and I said to her.. I just need to laugh (or giggle).. NOTHING in here is surprising to me.. This is exactly how I am. Spelled out in black and white. It's just funny that I didn't realize it was that apparent to the people I work with. I like to think I am one way at work and one way in my real life. But nope. I am me. For all my faults. I am consistent.. or consistently inconsistent. I don't know.
For the first time in a LOOOONG time.. I took the feedback, and didn't take it to the negative place. I saw these as positives. Each person that commented on things like she needs to trust herself, all said that they know I have great instincts, am good at what I do and that I just need to trust myself. I need to stop second guessing things and to step outside my comfort zone. I am making a concerted effort to do just that. If I have a question or an opinion, I am not going to hold back, I am going to say it, express it, feel it.. My boss said that everyone enjoys working with me and that I bring a nice energy to the team and that everyone really wants to see and help me to succeed. So it was really nice to hear and I was pretty happy to see that I have these strong relationships in my work life as I do in my personal life.
In my personal life I am ridding myself of the negativity and the people that want to keep me down. Half the time it's me keeping myself down, but I am learning that I am worthy of lots of great things in life. I have a good life. I just dont appreciate sometimes. And I need to start doing that more. I have truly great kids, an amazing family and some of the best friends in the world. I am now surrounding myself with a lot more positive people. Strong females that look to empower me and I to them. Relationships are about give and take. And I like to be on a level footing with people. Everyone is unique and has things to offer me and teach me, and I hope that I can reciprocate with them. I never want to be the one that always takes and drains the energy from the room. I want to give, but I also don't want to be the one that has to give all the time, because dammit I deserve to be taken care of sometimes too.
It's amazing how much I have learned about myself, am learning about myself. I said it feels like I have woken up to a fresh pot of coffee (not that I like coffee.. but I do enjoy the smell of it..). That I am finally seeing things and people for what they are.. not for what I percieved or wanted them to be.
I am just going to keep on truckin...
I recently got my annual review from work. It was a really good review, which was nice to hear/see. We do 360 feedback, so you get to tell the manager exactly what you think of someone. Good times. You always hope that someone thinks highly of you, but you can never be too sure how someone percieves you. So needless to say, I get my review and review it.. a ha... come on, that was kindof.. ok, it wasn't funny at all.. but whatever.. I digress and move on..
Here's the funny/ironic part of my review.. the things that people pointed out about me, are things that I do in my personal/dating life.. Oh what are these things you may wonder... well.. let's take a look see.. they were things like.. she has great gut instincts, and she needs to trust them more... umm yeah.. like I haven't heard THAT one about the guys I date before.. Yeah.. I know he's a loser.. but no maybe not.. Umm.. yeah.. I need to trust my gut.. it's big enough.. you would think it wouldn't steer me wrong.. She needs more self confidence. What? Me? NOOOOOO.. really.. She can tend to giggle too much when she is nervous.. Again.. really? I had to giggle at that one.. I do giggle when I am nervous.. I can't help it..
So it was funny to see that how I am in my personal life is how I am in my professional life. And in both aspects of my life I have people that really want to see me succeed.
I looked at the review and then met with my boss. I had highlighted the pieces I need to work on, and I said to her.. I just need to laugh (or giggle).. NOTHING in here is surprising to me.. This is exactly how I am. Spelled out in black and white. It's just funny that I didn't realize it was that apparent to the people I work with. I like to think I am one way at work and one way in my real life. But nope. I am me. For all my faults. I am consistent.. or consistently inconsistent. I don't know.
For the first time in a LOOOONG time.. I took the feedback, and didn't take it to the negative place. I saw these as positives. Each person that commented on things like she needs to trust herself, all said that they know I have great instincts, am good at what I do and that I just need to trust myself. I need to stop second guessing things and to step outside my comfort zone. I am making a concerted effort to do just that. If I have a question or an opinion, I am not going to hold back, I am going to say it, express it, feel it.. My boss said that everyone enjoys working with me and that I bring a nice energy to the team and that everyone really wants to see and help me to succeed. So it was really nice to hear and I was pretty happy to see that I have these strong relationships in my work life as I do in my personal life.
In my personal life I am ridding myself of the negativity and the people that want to keep me down. Half the time it's me keeping myself down, but I am learning that I am worthy of lots of great things in life. I have a good life. I just dont appreciate sometimes. And I need to start doing that more. I have truly great kids, an amazing family and some of the best friends in the world. I am now surrounding myself with a lot more positive people. Strong females that look to empower me and I to them. Relationships are about give and take. And I like to be on a level footing with people. Everyone is unique and has things to offer me and teach me, and I hope that I can reciprocate with them. I never want to be the one that always takes and drains the energy from the room. I want to give, but I also don't want to be the one that has to give all the time, because dammit I deserve to be taken care of sometimes too.
It's amazing how much I have learned about myself, am learning about myself. I said it feels like I have woken up to a fresh pot of coffee (not that I like coffee.. but I do enjoy the smell of it..). That I am finally seeing things and people for what they are.. not for what I percieved or wanted them to be.
I am just going to keep on truckin...
Friday, July 2, 2010
I want to be the rule.. not the exception...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I know.. I have been neglecting my blog.. sorry to my 4 "faithful" followers.. ha ha.. I just have been in somewhat of a funk I guess. I am in the re-evaluting my life stage again.. My God.. will this re-evaluation ever end...
My ex and his girlfriend have made the leap to living together. I went yesterday to pick the kids up from their new place. It's a little weird to see the ex living with someone else and now my kids will be part of it. I am so very lucky that we have a good relationship. I am truly happy for him and glad he has found someone. She is a nice person and good with and to my kids. So after a tour of the apartment, I hung out for a while and drank beers, ate some bbq and just chatted. Yup.. weird.. I know.. but my thing is this.. why is this the exception? Why can't this be the rule? Just because my ex and I didn't work out.. I mean I don't hate him, I don't have any bitter feelings (ok.. maybe that isn't entirely true.. I am a bit bitter that he made me lose my trust and faith in men, but I am working on getting that back... ) I think he is genuinely a great person. He is an awesome father, and that is all that matters. I know I am so lucky to have this relationship and I know that it's not the norm. But I wish for all people that have to deal with co-parenting that it would be. It feels nice not to have to fight at pick up and drop off.. We don't have to go to a public place to switch kids off. He has full access to the kids when he wants to see them. And that's the thing.. he WANTS to see them. He wants to be a part of their lives. He loves seeing the kids and hanging out with them and taking them on "adventures" as they call them. I am damn lucky as I know fathers that want nothing really to do with their kids. They want to do the bare minimum. I know sometimes I want to do the bare minimum, but that is because I am with the kids all the time.. I deal with the day to day crap that goes along with being a parent. I get to do a lot of the not so fun stuff with them. But my kids are pretty cool little people and I do enjoy their company, and it helps me to slow down and look at the world and my life.. I guess I just don't get people that don't want to be a part of their kids lives. That are so wrapped up in their own lives that they look at the kids as a burden. Parenting is hard, and being a single parent is really hard. But truth be told, I would rather be a single parent than to live in a house where their father was not an active participant in their lives. To me that is like having an additional child. I am glad I no longer have to walk on eggshells and deal with someone elses moods. Doing this on my own has really taught me that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. That I don't need a man around to help me with everything in life. Would it be easier.. some days, yes, it would. But I do not regret my decision at all...
Any hurt feelings I have towards him are MY feelings towards him. I never want my kids to see me snarking about him, saying bad things, or even giving dirty looks, etc. Kids are so damn smart. They KNOW when something is up. The softer you whisper, the louder you actually speak. Kids are listening when you whisper.. they know that whatever it is you are saying you really don't want them to hear.. so it's got to be juicy..
My ulitmate goal in life is to be a strong role model for my kids. I want them to see what healthy relationships are. I believe I am on my way to achieving that. I think it's great that the kids can see me and their dad together in the same room. Laughing and joking. Sharing old stories. Like two old friends. We have a history, we have a past, we spent a good chunk of our lives together, that has to account for something. I also felt it important for the kids to see me and his girlfriend getting along. Chatting, laughing, enjoying being a "family". Times they are a changing, and the definition of family changes. The more people that love my kids, the better. The more my kids can see strong adult relationships, the better. It does take a village to raise a child.. I am so lucky to have such a strong family and such great friends.
I have been spending the last 2.5 years looking for something, or someone to fill this imaginary void. I thought that because I didn't have a partner, something was wrong with me. I ultimately made the choice to end my marriage, we could have existed the way we were. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't ideal. I want the fairy tale. I don't want to settle for good enough.. But I finally realized or am REALIZING... that I have a lot of what I need already. My kids are my life, while they don't define me, they are so important to me and are a part of who I am. My family is so amazing. They are there no matter what. and my friends. God I am so blessed to have the greatest and strongest group of friends. I have learned alot about who my true friends are. They are the ones that are there no matter what. No questions asked. They are the ones that would be sitting in the jail cell next to you.. I am grateful for the support system I have had and continue to have.
I can truly say that even though I have days that I think things are not going my way.. that in the end, everything will have been worth it.. the laughs, the tears, the struggles. they make me who I am today. I continue to grow each and every day. I fall down (alot!) but I get back up, get back in the game.. shake the dirt off and keep on going.
I have a lot of growing and changing to do.. but I can proudly say that I am doing it to the best of my ability, that I can look myself in the mirror and like the person that is staring back at me.
My ex and his girlfriend have made the leap to living together. I went yesterday to pick the kids up from their new place. It's a little weird to see the ex living with someone else and now my kids will be part of it. I am so very lucky that we have a good relationship. I am truly happy for him and glad he has found someone. She is a nice person and good with and to my kids. So after a tour of the apartment, I hung out for a while and drank beers, ate some bbq and just chatted. Yup.. weird.. I know.. but my thing is this.. why is this the exception? Why can't this be the rule? Just because my ex and I didn't work out.. I mean I don't hate him, I don't have any bitter feelings (ok.. maybe that isn't entirely true.. I am a bit bitter that he made me lose my trust and faith in men, but I am working on getting that back... ) I think he is genuinely a great person. He is an awesome father, and that is all that matters. I know I am so lucky to have this relationship and I know that it's not the norm. But I wish for all people that have to deal with co-parenting that it would be. It feels nice not to have to fight at pick up and drop off.. We don't have to go to a public place to switch kids off. He has full access to the kids when he wants to see them. And that's the thing.. he WANTS to see them. He wants to be a part of their lives. He loves seeing the kids and hanging out with them and taking them on "adventures" as they call them. I am damn lucky as I know fathers that want nothing really to do with their kids. They want to do the bare minimum. I know sometimes I want to do the bare minimum, but that is because I am with the kids all the time.. I deal with the day to day crap that goes along with being a parent. I get to do a lot of the not so fun stuff with them. But my kids are pretty cool little people and I do enjoy their company, and it helps me to slow down and look at the world and my life.. I guess I just don't get people that don't want to be a part of their kids lives. That are so wrapped up in their own lives that they look at the kids as a burden. Parenting is hard, and being a single parent is really hard. But truth be told, I would rather be a single parent than to live in a house where their father was not an active participant in their lives. To me that is like having an additional child. I am glad I no longer have to walk on eggshells and deal with someone elses moods. Doing this on my own has really taught me that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. That I don't need a man around to help me with everything in life. Would it be easier.. some days, yes, it would. But I do not regret my decision at all...
Any hurt feelings I have towards him are MY feelings towards him. I never want my kids to see me snarking about him, saying bad things, or even giving dirty looks, etc. Kids are so damn smart. They KNOW when something is up. The softer you whisper, the louder you actually speak. Kids are listening when you whisper.. they know that whatever it is you are saying you really don't want them to hear.. so it's got to be juicy..
My ulitmate goal in life is to be a strong role model for my kids. I want them to see what healthy relationships are. I believe I am on my way to achieving that. I think it's great that the kids can see me and their dad together in the same room. Laughing and joking. Sharing old stories. Like two old friends. We have a history, we have a past, we spent a good chunk of our lives together, that has to account for something. I also felt it important for the kids to see me and his girlfriend getting along. Chatting, laughing, enjoying being a "family". Times they are a changing, and the definition of family changes. The more people that love my kids, the better. The more my kids can see strong adult relationships, the better. It does take a village to raise a child.. I am so lucky to have such a strong family and such great friends.
I have been spending the last 2.5 years looking for something, or someone to fill this imaginary void. I thought that because I didn't have a partner, something was wrong with me. I ultimately made the choice to end my marriage, we could have existed the way we were. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't ideal. I want the fairy tale. I don't want to settle for good enough.. But I finally realized or am REALIZING... that I have a lot of what I need already. My kids are my life, while they don't define me, they are so important to me and are a part of who I am. My family is so amazing. They are there no matter what. and my friends. God I am so blessed to have the greatest and strongest group of friends. I have learned alot about who my true friends are. They are the ones that are there no matter what. No questions asked. They are the ones that would be sitting in the jail cell next to you.. I am grateful for the support system I have had and continue to have.
I can truly say that even though I have days that I think things are not going my way.. that in the end, everything will have been worth it.. the laughs, the tears, the struggles. they make me who I am today. I continue to grow each and every day. I fall down (alot!) but I get back up, get back in the game.. shake the dirt off and keep on going.
I have a lot of growing and changing to do.. but I can proudly say that I am doing it to the best of my ability, that I can look myself in the mirror and like the person that is staring back at me.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Elevators...
So some of you may know my issues with elevators.. and elevator ettiquette... So many funny things happen in elevators.. and so many frustrating things as well..
One of the funniest things I have seen in a long time was when I walking to the elevator to take to my car at 5pm-ish.. someone from another office tower, comes running out jumps over the rope to get to the elevator before me.. .I guess he really really wanted to push the button. I had to stifle a laugh. Like really guy? Was it THAT important for you to push the button? I seriously would have let you.. it doesn't really matter to me who pushes the button.. as long as I see the light come on to indicate it has been pushed.. i am a happy camper..
Another annoying thing about elevators are the people that arrive to the elevator bank last and insist on pushing their way in.. I mean come on. did you not see the 10 other people standing there CLEARLY waiting for the elevator? But no, go ahead.. you were here last.. you deserve the next empty elevator.. I will wait.. heck.. I like to push the button, so I can stand here all day.. what do I care.
My office tower is located in what is called the "skylobby" of the Copley Place Mall. I park in the garage, so pretty much the only way to the garage is by the elevator banks. There is an escalator that can take you to the mall levels... Why do I tell you this? Because it frustrates me to no end that people are too damn lazy to take the escalator to the mall levels. Umm.. yeah.. you really dont have to do much on them. They are MOVING STAIRS. You can just hold on the railing, and it will move you up or down. You don't even have to walk. OH wait. I lied.. If you want to get to the first level of the mall, you DO have to walk around to get to the next escalator to take you to the first level. So wait.. I get it now.. I get why they can't walk over to the escalator and must force themselves into the elevator, drastically increasing the time it takes for me to get to the garage, in my car and get the heck out of dodge.
Here's another funny/ironic.. i don't know.. I guess it might not be funny to you.. but it is to me.. there is a separate set of elevators that are for the tower my office is in. Our company is on the 7th floor. There is one elevator that is very tempermental. Even when I push 7, if I am not paying attention, the doors open and I am back on the first floor. We finally figured out how this happens. It has something to do with the 5th floor. If people push the 5th floor button, then the elevator will not continue up to 7. It stops on 5 and then heads back down. and NO I didn't ride the elevator all day to figure this out. Well maybe part of the day.. but not all day.. KIDDING..
One day while I was stuck in the elevator while it decided 5 was as far as it wanted to go, I had this weird thought.. that this elevator was like my life.. sometimes I make it all the way up and I am at the top.. but if I don't keep my eye on what is going on and how I am doing/feeling, then I can easily slip back down without even noticing...
So that's all for now folks..
This post is a bunch of rambling.. as usual.. maybe someday.. I will have something witty and inspiring to say.. but methinks... today was not that day.. ha ha..
This is what happens when you try to write a blog at 7a.. :)
One of the funniest things I have seen in a long time was when I walking to the elevator to take to my car at 5pm-ish.. someone from another office tower, comes running out jumps over the rope to get to the elevator before me.. .I guess he really really wanted to push the button. I had to stifle a laugh. Like really guy? Was it THAT important for you to push the button? I seriously would have let you.. it doesn't really matter to me who pushes the button.. as long as I see the light come on to indicate it has been pushed.. i am a happy camper..
Another annoying thing about elevators are the people that arrive to the elevator bank last and insist on pushing their way in.. I mean come on. did you not see the 10 other people standing there CLEARLY waiting for the elevator? But no, go ahead.. you were here last.. you deserve the next empty elevator.. I will wait.. heck.. I like to push the button, so I can stand here all day.. what do I care.
My office tower is located in what is called the "skylobby" of the Copley Place Mall. I park in the garage, so pretty much the only way to the garage is by the elevator banks. There is an escalator that can take you to the mall levels... Why do I tell you this? Because it frustrates me to no end that people are too damn lazy to take the escalator to the mall levels. Umm.. yeah.. you really dont have to do much on them. They are MOVING STAIRS. You can just hold on the railing, and it will move you up or down. You don't even have to walk. OH wait. I lied.. If you want to get to the first level of the mall, you DO have to walk around to get to the next escalator to take you to the first level. So wait.. I get it now.. I get why they can't walk over to the escalator and must force themselves into the elevator, drastically increasing the time it takes for me to get to the garage, in my car and get the heck out of dodge.
Here's another funny/ironic.. i don't know.. I guess it might not be funny to you.. but it is to me.. there is a separate set of elevators that are for the tower my office is in. Our company is on the 7th floor. There is one elevator that is very tempermental. Even when I push 7, if I am not paying attention, the doors open and I am back on the first floor. We finally figured out how this happens. It has something to do with the 5th floor. If people push the 5th floor button, then the elevator will not continue up to 7. It stops on 5 and then heads back down. and NO I didn't ride the elevator all day to figure this out. Well maybe part of the day.. but not all day.. KIDDING..
One day while I was stuck in the elevator while it decided 5 was as far as it wanted to go, I had this weird thought.. that this elevator was like my life.. sometimes I make it all the way up and I am at the top.. but if I don't keep my eye on what is going on and how I am doing/feeling, then I can easily slip back down without even noticing...
So that's all for now folks..
This post is a bunch of rambling.. as usual.. maybe someday.. I will have something witty and inspiring to say.. but methinks... today was not that day.. ha ha..
This is what happens when you try to write a blog at 7a.. :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Busy Busy Busy...
Yes.. I know.. I have been neglecting my Blog.. for my 4 followers.. I am sorry.. I suck sometimes..
Truth be told.. I wrote an extremely fabulously funny blog and well true to form, I somehow managed to delete it before saving it and posting it.. Yeah.. I know.. SHOCKING... this happens to me all the time with yahoo mail. I write lovely inspiring emails and then poof.. gone.. argh.. so then the email turns out something like this..
I hate f*cking Yahoo.. it just lost my last email. So How's your day.. I am too aggravated to write anything additional...
I am sure that most of my faithful followers have gotten an email like that at some point from me.
Anyway.. lots has been going on in my little bubble.. I finally.. yes FINALLY filed for divorce.. yay.. I know.. most people thought I WAS divorced or had already filed.. but NOPE.. So here's the funny thing.. I dragged my feet for so long getting the process going, and when I finally get to the last mile.. I can see the finish line.. I get that extra burst of energy and my sprint turns into a full on run.. I can't respond quick enough to the mediator.. I get the final papers signed.. rush to the courthouse the next morning.. and thats when instead of the tape I have to run through to claim victory.. I run smack dab into the brick wall. It was like a screeching halt.. errrrr.. SMACK.... My visit to the courthouse was something comical. Ever imagine yourself on candid camera because the events that are happening are so outrageous they can't possibly be real. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my trip to the Suffolk County Family and Probate Courthouse. It was so great to see my hard earned tax dollars at work. Wait.. Work? What's that? It was a shame that I had to actually make people do their jobs. I know that reading a magazine and pretending not to see me standing in line for 10 minutes takes skill... I mean heck.. I have no where else to be. I dont need to go to my job that pays YOUR salary. I can stand here all day.. and well.. yup.. pretty much I had to. So I finally get acknowledged.. which coincidentally coincided with the completion of the magazine reading... I know.. weird huh? I guess since having worked since I was pretty much 13, consistently... I can't tolerate people that don't give their all to their job. You know what.. if you hate your job that much.. QUIT.. find something else... but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop subjecting me to your indifference. Do your job, and do it well. That's it.. it's plain and simple. Don't make me stand there, because you can.. don't make me sit in your cubby while you leaf through pages of my separation agreement and read some parts of it, because you can.. but anyway.. I digress.. I got my court date finally for my divorce.. and because I dragged my feet.. karma came and bit me right in the ass.. THE EARLIEST court date I could get for my divorce.. is September.. I just laughed.. really? September.. Now if I lived in Middlesex county, I could do same day.. interesting.. yeah.. so.. coming from the girl who took a year to go through mediation, and file.. I guess waiting 4 months isn't so bad.. but it was the point of it.. I am so ready to move on.. move forward.. onward and upward.. that I wanted this done.. so on September 9th, I get to return to the courthouse.. stand in front of a judge and get granted permission (oh yeah.. I am not even really divorced at that point.. ) to become divorced. My divorce won't be final for 120 days AFTER the judge says it's ok. So.. I count ahead.. 4 months from September 9th.. Oh what will the date of my finalization be.. Oh yes.. wait for it... January 9th.. and when is my birthday.. yup.. the 12th.. so.. Happy Birthday to ME!! :)
I thought the best birthday gift I got was this past birthday when the douchebag I was kinda sorta, well apparently not really at all seeing walked out of my life without so much as a see ya.. just disappeared (I have that affect on people.. I make them disappear.. I think I am a magician). I was hurt, but then I realized.. he gave me the best gift ever.. leaving.. so to top off that great gift... this coming birthday.. I will be legally and FINALLY divorced..
And that's a good thing!!
I feel kindof stuck.. Like I can't fully commit myself to someone else.. not that anyone has been worthy anyway.. Yes.. Hindsight.. IS 20/20... (why can't forsight or insight be 20/20 as well?! It would make things soooo much easier..)
Well this post is all over the place.. just like me.. I have lots of thoughts running around.. so sorry to have subjected you all to my randomness..
but things are good.. life is good.. I really do have such an amazing support system, and I am forever grateful for that..
So the journey continues.. and as long as I keep getting up in the morning with my head held high... I am doing fine..
and oh yeah.. we got a kitten.. (just had to throw in the randomness..)
Thanks for reading.. Until next time..
Truth be told.. I wrote an extremely fabulously funny blog and well true to form, I somehow managed to delete it before saving it and posting it.. Yeah.. I know.. SHOCKING... this happens to me all the time with yahoo mail. I write lovely inspiring emails and then poof.. gone.. argh.. so then the email turns out something like this..
I hate f*cking Yahoo.. it just lost my last email. So How's your day.. I am too aggravated to write anything additional...
I am sure that most of my faithful followers have gotten an email like that at some point from me.
Anyway.. lots has been going on in my little bubble.. I finally.. yes FINALLY filed for divorce.. yay.. I know.. most people thought I WAS divorced or had already filed.. but NOPE.. So here's the funny thing.. I dragged my feet for so long getting the process going, and when I finally get to the last mile.. I can see the finish line.. I get that extra burst of energy and my sprint turns into a full on run.. I can't respond quick enough to the mediator.. I get the final papers signed.. rush to the courthouse the next morning.. and thats when instead of the tape I have to run through to claim victory.. I run smack dab into the brick wall. It was like a screeching halt.. errrrr.. SMACK.... My visit to the courthouse was something comical. Ever imagine yourself on candid camera because the events that are happening are so outrageous they can't possibly be real. Yeah, that pretty much sums up my trip to the Suffolk County Family and Probate Courthouse. It was so great to see my hard earned tax dollars at work. Wait.. Work? What's that? It was a shame that I had to actually make people do their jobs. I know that reading a magazine and pretending not to see me standing in line for 10 minutes takes skill... I mean heck.. I have no where else to be. I dont need to go to my job that pays YOUR salary. I can stand here all day.. and well.. yup.. pretty much I had to. So I finally get acknowledged.. which coincidentally coincided with the completion of the magazine reading... I know.. weird huh? I guess since having worked since I was pretty much 13, consistently... I can't tolerate people that don't give their all to their job. You know what.. if you hate your job that much.. QUIT.. find something else... but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop subjecting me to your indifference. Do your job, and do it well. That's it.. it's plain and simple. Don't make me stand there, because you can.. don't make me sit in your cubby while you leaf through pages of my separation agreement and read some parts of it, because you can.. but anyway.. I digress.. I got my court date finally for my divorce.. and because I dragged my feet.. karma came and bit me right in the ass.. THE EARLIEST court date I could get for my divorce.. is September.. I just laughed.. really? September.. Now if I lived in Middlesex county, I could do same day.. interesting.. yeah.. so.. coming from the girl who took a year to go through mediation, and file.. I guess waiting 4 months isn't so bad.. but it was the point of it.. I am so ready to move on.. move forward.. onward and upward.. that I wanted this done.. so on September 9th, I get to return to the courthouse.. stand in front of a judge and get granted permission (oh yeah.. I am not even really divorced at that point.. ) to become divorced. My divorce won't be final for 120 days AFTER the judge says it's ok. So.. I count ahead.. 4 months from September 9th.. Oh what will the date of my finalization be.. Oh yes.. wait for it... January 9th.. and when is my birthday.. yup.. the 12th.. so.. Happy Birthday to ME!! :)
I thought the best birthday gift I got was this past birthday when the douchebag I was kinda sorta, well apparently not really at all seeing walked out of my life without so much as a see ya.. just disappeared (I have that affect on people.. I make them disappear.. I think I am a magician). I was hurt, but then I realized.. he gave me the best gift ever.. leaving.. so to top off that great gift... this coming birthday.. I will be legally and FINALLY divorced..
And that's a good thing!!
I feel kindof stuck.. Like I can't fully commit myself to someone else.. not that anyone has been worthy anyway.. Yes.. Hindsight.. IS 20/20... (why can't forsight or insight be 20/20 as well?! It would make things soooo much easier..)
Well this post is all over the place.. just like me.. I have lots of thoughts running around.. so sorry to have subjected you all to my randomness..
but things are good.. life is good.. I really do have such an amazing support system, and I am forever grateful for that..
So the journey continues.. and as long as I keep getting up in the morning with my head held high... I am doing fine..
and oh yeah.. we got a kitten.. (just had to throw in the randomness..)
Thanks for reading.. Until next time..
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day..
Ok, so tell me why again there is only ONE day to celebrate the most important people in the world.. MOTHERS.. Really? ONE day? That's it? We should be celebrated EVERYDAY or at least appreciated.. but I guess I am asking for miracles...
The past few Mother's days have been interesting. Life has been interesting to say the least. I never thought I would find myself at 35 single. But that day came and went. After having been in a relationship for the last 13 years, I have been going it alone for the last 2.5. It's been a crazy, strange, awesome, terrible, sad, insert any other adjective here, time.. but I would never change it for the world.
Here's the thing about me. I love my kids, with all my heart. But they are not what defines me. I needed to learn that the only person that can define me IS ME. I lived for so long being someone else.. I was someones daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, mother.. where was I in all of this though? For so long I put everyones needs before mine. I kept quiet when I should have spoken up. I had a voice, but I never knew how to use it. I sure as hell know how to use it now though. And while I love and adore my kids, on some days.. eh.. not so much. I learned a while ago, that I need to be true to myself in order to be true to my kids. That included making a lot of changes in the past couple of years.
Through all the bumps and bruises... through being knocked down, kicked around and dragged through the mud.. thrown under the bus, backed over.. I have gotten up each time.. dusted myself off and held my head high.. Ok, SOMEWHAT high..
I am not sure if it's the Zoloft.. or just me coming into my own, but I feel good. I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel content. I feel like ME.. I have so many good things in my life. Things that I took for granted. I thought in order to be whole I had to be a part of a couple. I thought I needed to find someone quickly so that I wouldn't be the sole lonely single gal running around. And because of that need.. I was settling.. settling for people that I knew would hurt me, but that I didnt have to make a real commitment too. I would get sucked in by their lies, but all the time, I waited for the other shoe to drop.. and it always did.
With help of my awesome family and amazing friends, I learned so much. I am so grateful to have family and friends that call me out on my bullshit.. When I was out of control, my sister would call and tell me straight up that was acting like a shithead.. when I would cry over some other loser, my friends would be supportive.. but always had to add the little.. I told you so.. so to my friends and family.. I am forever grateful to you all.. for helping me see the so called light. For standing by me when I needed it.
I was really able to appreciate Mother's Day today. I spent the day with the 3 kids. We had such a fun time. It was nice to see them laughing and having fun. It's sometimes hard just the 4 of us, but we manage. I am not the best mother in the world, and I know that, but heck, who needs to be the best.. as long as they know how much I do love them.. but I love me too.. I can't always be selfless.. I am at times selfish.. but I think it's important for them to see a strong happy parent.
So as I drink my wine on this Sunday, and reflect on what a great day it was.. I really hope this feeling of contentment lasts.. I finally feel good.. I finally am just going out and living.. Throwing caution to the wind.. Living in the moments.. enjoying them.. I don't know what tomorrow brings, and I can't stress about what happened yesterday.. I need to live for today..
I do know I won't settle for anything anymore.. I know I will continue to make "mistakes".. or be taught lessons.. but with each day I grow..
I am truly excited to see where this journey called life takes me..
Hang on.. it's going to be a wild ride.. (and a well documented wild ride.. ha ha)
The past few Mother's days have been interesting. Life has been interesting to say the least. I never thought I would find myself at 35 single. But that day came and went. After having been in a relationship for the last 13 years, I have been going it alone for the last 2.5. It's been a crazy, strange, awesome, terrible, sad, insert any other adjective here, time.. but I would never change it for the world.
Here's the thing about me. I love my kids, with all my heart. But they are not what defines me. I needed to learn that the only person that can define me IS ME. I lived for so long being someone else.. I was someones daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, mother.. where was I in all of this though? For so long I put everyones needs before mine. I kept quiet when I should have spoken up. I had a voice, but I never knew how to use it. I sure as hell know how to use it now though. And while I love and adore my kids, on some days.. eh.. not so much. I learned a while ago, that I need to be true to myself in order to be true to my kids. That included making a lot of changes in the past couple of years.
Through all the bumps and bruises... through being knocked down, kicked around and dragged through the mud.. thrown under the bus, backed over.. I have gotten up each time.. dusted myself off and held my head high.. Ok, SOMEWHAT high..
I am not sure if it's the Zoloft.. or just me coming into my own, but I feel good. I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel content. I feel like ME.. I have so many good things in my life. Things that I took for granted. I thought in order to be whole I had to be a part of a couple. I thought I needed to find someone quickly so that I wouldn't be the sole lonely single gal running around. And because of that need.. I was settling.. settling for people that I knew would hurt me, but that I didnt have to make a real commitment too. I would get sucked in by their lies, but all the time, I waited for the other shoe to drop.. and it always did.
With help of my awesome family and amazing friends, I learned so much. I am so grateful to have family and friends that call me out on my bullshit.. When I was out of control, my sister would call and tell me straight up that was acting like a shithead.. when I would cry over some other loser, my friends would be supportive.. but always had to add the little.. I told you so.. so to my friends and family.. I am forever grateful to you all.. for helping me see the so called light. For standing by me when I needed it.
I was really able to appreciate Mother's Day today. I spent the day with the 3 kids. We had such a fun time. It was nice to see them laughing and having fun. It's sometimes hard just the 4 of us, but we manage. I am not the best mother in the world, and I know that, but heck, who needs to be the best.. as long as they know how much I do love them.. but I love me too.. I can't always be selfless.. I am at times selfish.. but I think it's important for them to see a strong happy parent.
So as I drink my wine on this Sunday, and reflect on what a great day it was.. I really hope this feeling of contentment lasts.. I finally feel good.. I finally am just going out and living.. Throwing caution to the wind.. Living in the moments.. enjoying them.. I don't know what tomorrow brings, and I can't stress about what happened yesterday.. I need to live for today..
I do know I won't settle for anything anymore.. I know I will continue to make "mistakes".. or be taught lessons.. but with each day I grow..
I am truly excited to see where this journey called life takes me..
Hang on.. it's going to be a wild ride.. (and a well documented wild ride.. ha ha)
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