welcome to the year 2011... or i should say 2010. Since I am behind the technology times....
i finally got a true smart phone. yes. i know. my last phone was a dumb phone with smart features. um ok. whatever that meant. now i have a phone that i dont even know how to use properly. i can barely make a call on it. but boy does it look cool. its got global capabilities because you know i travel sooo much that i would require a phone that is global.
what do i love about my new phone you might ask? well i can do all kinds of things i never knew i needed to have or use. but now somehow i cant live without. i mean whats better than blogging from my phone? i mean come on. get up off my ass and use the laptop. pishtosh. why on earth would i do that? thats just hogwash.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Marital Status = Divorced
Yes, it's true.. I am the big D. Divorced. Yup. Me. The Divorcee... Oohh.. it sounds sooo risque'... I am the one that gets written about in smutty novels.. The one that lures the men away from their wives, that tempts young impressionable 20 something boys... Yup.. that's me.. Divorcee...
It's weird to think that I can be classified on a form. That I can check the box marked - Divorced. I wasn't married anymore, and I wasn't yet divorced. Sometimes there was Separated, but most times your options were Married, Divorced or Single. There was no term for what I was. I was in limbo. And there I lived for such a long time.
So my divorce was final yesterday. I think that came as more of a shock that I wasn't officially divorced. I mean heck, I pulled the plug on my marriage almost 3 years ago, how was it possible that I was not yet divorced.
This is how it's possible. Divorce is not easy. Even if you want it, and know that is what you want, it's still not easy. It's not cheap and it's not quick. But it most certainly is not easy. There is a lot that goes in to getting divorced. There is a lot of emotions that go along with it. And I had it "easy". I had an easy time of separating things and going through the process. I can't even imagine what it's like to be at bitter odds with someone that you once stood in front of family and friends and pledged to love forever. I can't imagine what it's like to have to do the kid exchange in a McDonald's parking lot. I can't imagine what it feels like to not have the financial support for your kids, the same kids that you created with the person you thought you would be with forever. There are so many feelings that I didn't have to go through that surrounded my divorce, but it doesn't mean it was easy. In no way shape or form was it easy. It was a struggle. I lived in a constant state of am I doing the right thing.
As a parent you want to do what is best for your kids. Keeping a family together for the kids, sounds like it would be the best option. I guess maybe for some people it is, but not for me. I couldn't do it. I continue to wonder and struggle with what damage have I inflicted on my kids. Why couldn't I just be happy the way I was. With the life that I had. Why did I feel the need to pull the plug on the marriage and pull the rug out from under my kids. I struggled and still do when I see the kids cry because their Dad isn't living in the house anymore. I see them upset and sad and even a bit angry when they want to know WHY we are not a family anymore. I tell them that we are a family. Just not a traditional family. We are redefining the term family. We are a non traditional, or make that probably more traditional than people care to admit kind of family.
You never want to see your kids suffer. You always want to protect them from any hurt. Especially hurt that you had a hand in creating. My kids didn't ask to be the children of divorce. They never asked for anything other than two parents that loved them. I try to reinforce and reassure them that while we are not together we do still love them very much. It is still hard at times.
I guess its the Catholic guilt I carry around. I am not even a good Catholic. I never made my confirmation, I never got married in a Catholic Church. But the little time I did go to CCD and what not, I had the guilt factor written in to my being. I can't shake it. Even if I try. I feel guilty for a lot of things. For not having the courage to stand up and say I didnt want to be married. For not having the courage or the strength to let my husband know when things he did hurt or upset me. For not having the courage to pull the plug on my marriage years before it all went down hill. For not affording my husband the luxury of finding someone new that would love him the way that I could never be able to. For living a life that was not true to myself.
I am shedding the cloak of guilt, a little bit at a time. As I hear the kids laughing and enjoying being kids again. As I can welcome into my home, my ex and his fiancee.
I know that I am doing a pretty darn good job. I am trying my hardest to be the best parent I can be. I don't always succeed as it's a tough job to go at it alone.
I struggle everyday. How will I pay the bills. How can I keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. How do I still give them the things they want and need in life. How do I balance their needs with my needs.
I know life is all about perspective. My problems are not as big as my friends who has a son battling cancer. My problems are not as big as my sister in law who is battling breast cancer. Or my friends who suddenly lost their husbands. My problems can be seen as superficial at best.
I try my best to see things in others points of view. It doesn't always work. But I am trying. Just as I am sure I wouldn't want or couldn't handle the situations my friends have been presented with, they could easily look at me and say they couldn't handle the situation that I am in.
I have a lot of strength. More than I give myself credit for. I am a full time mother with a full time demanding career. I have a full time boyfriend now too. Sometimes I spread myself too thin trying to please everyone.
Life is about balance. Somedays I balance just fine.. Others...forget it. I let outside things influence my decisions. I sometimes fall down the rabbit hole and throw myself a huge pity party.. a why me.. and then I have to think.. well why not me..
It's that saying.. God doesn't give you more than you can handle.. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
On the days when I wonder how I am going to pay the mortgage and keep the kids fed and clothed. While others wonder if their curtains match their throw pillows and all I can think is how do I get by from one paycheck to the next. and wonder why me.. why do I struggle all the time with really tough decisions. Of what can I trade off to make the mortgage payment.
I guess I look around and see that when the kids are happy, and they have no idea the struggles that I am going through, that I am doing pretty ok.
I am me, it's all I can be. Somedays I am a good me, and somedays.. I am a bad me.. but at the end of the day, I am always me..
It's weird to think that I can be classified on a form. That I can check the box marked - Divorced. I wasn't married anymore, and I wasn't yet divorced. Sometimes there was Separated, but most times your options were Married, Divorced or Single. There was no term for what I was. I was in limbo. And there I lived for such a long time.
So my divorce was final yesterday. I think that came as more of a shock that I wasn't officially divorced. I mean heck, I pulled the plug on my marriage almost 3 years ago, how was it possible that I was not yet divorced.
This is how it's possible. Divorce is not easy. Even if you want it, and know that is what you want, it's still not easy. It's not cheap and it's not quick. But it most certainly is not easy. There is a lot that goes in to getting divorced. There is a lot of emotions that go along with it. And I had it "easy". I had an easy time of separating things and going through the process. I can't even imagine what it's like to be at bitter odds with someone that you once stood in front of family and friends and pledged to love forever. I can't imagine what it's like to have to do the kid exchange in a McDonald's parking lot. I can't imagine what it feels like to not have the financial support for your kids, the same kids that you created with the person you thought you would be with forever. There are so many feelings that I didn't have to go through that surrounded my divorce, but it doesn't mean it was easy. In no way shape or form was it easy. It was a struggle. I lived in a constant state of am I doing the right thing.
As a parent you want to do what is best for your kids. Keeping a family together for the kids, sounds like it would be the best option. I guess maybe for some people it is, but not for me. I couldn't do it. I continue to wonder and struggle with what damage have I inflicted on my kids. Why couldn't I just be happy the way I was. With the life that I had. Why did I feel the need to pull the plug on the marriage and pull the rug out from under my kids. I struggled and still do when I see the kids cry because their Dad isn't living in the house anymore. I see them upset and sad and even a bit angry when they want to know WHY we are not a family anymore. I tell them that we are a family. Just not a traditional family. We are redefining the term family. We are a non traditional, or make that probably more traditional than people care to admit kind of family.
You never want to see your kids suffer. You always want to protect them from any hurt. Especially hurt that you had a hand in creating. My kids didn't ask to be the children of divorce. They never asked for anything other than two parents that loved them. I try to reinforce and reassure them that while we are not together we do still love them very much. It is still hard at times.
I guess its the Catholic guilt I carry around. I am not even a good Catholic. I never made my confirmation, I never got married in a Catholic Church. But the little time I did go to CCD and what not, I had the guilt factor written in to my being. I can't shake it. Even if I try. I feel guilty for a lot of things. For not having the courage to stand up and say I didnt want to be married. For not having the courage or the strength to let my husband know when things he did hurt or upset me. For not having the courage to pull the plug on my marriage years before it all went down hill. For not affording my husband the luxury of finding someone new that would love him the way that I could never be able to. For living a life that was not true to myself.
I am shedding the cloak of guilt, a little bit at a time. As I hear the kids laughing and enjoying being kids again. As I can welcome into my home, my ex and his fiancee.
I know that I am doing a pretty darn good job. I am trying my hardest to be the best parent I can be. I don't always succeed as it's a tough job to go at it alone.
I struggle everyday. How will I pay the bills. How can I keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. How do I still give them the things they want and need in life. How do I balance their needs with my needs.
I know life is all about perspective. My problems are not as big as my friends who has a son battling cancer. My problems are not as big as my sister in law who is battling breast cancer. Or my friends who suddenly lost their husbands. My problems can be seen as superficial at best.
I try my best to see things in others points of view. It doesn't always work. But I am trying. Just as I am sure I wouldn't want or couldn't handle the situations my friends have been presented with, they could easily look at me and say they couldn't handle the situation that I am in.
I have a lot of strength. More than I give myself credit for. I am a full time mother with a full time demanding career. I have a full time boyfriend now too. Sometimes I spread myself too thin trying to please everyone.
Life is about balance. Somedays I balance just fine.. Others...forget it. I let outside things influence my decisions. I sometimes fall down the rabbit hole and throw myself a huge pity party.. a why me.. and then I have to think.. well why not me..
It's that saying.. God doesn't give you more than you can handle.. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
On the days when I wonder how I am going to pay the mortgage and keep the kids fed and clothed. While others wonder if their curtains match their throw pillows and all I can think is how do I get by from one paycheck to the next. and wonder why me.. why do I struggle all the time with really tough decisions. Of what can I trade off to make the mortgage payment.
I guess I look around and see that when the kids are happy, and they have no idea the struggles that I am going through, that I am doing pretty ok.
I am me, it's all I can be. Somedays I am a good me, and somedays.. I am a bad me.. but at the end of the day, I am always me..
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