My miracles...

I am a few days late in posting this...  but my "babies" turned 6 on Tuesday.  6 years have gone in the blink of an eye.  I still can't believe it.  I can fully remember clear as day being pregnant with the twins.  I can actually back this up even further...

My twins... my miracles...  my journey to have  you begin when  your brother turned 3.  Your father and I decided we would pursue having another child.  We started on the fertility road again.  A road that I thought was going to be a cake walk.  I mean, we knew what worked to have your brother, so it should be a breeze.  Boy was I wrong.  After months and months of shots and stopped cycles, I got the call that I had not been prepared for.  I had to move to IVF.  I remember crumpling into a heap on the floor crying.  The fertility doctor telling me the news, apologizing profusely because I was such a nice lady and he was sorry that he could no longer help me in my quest for a child.  I would need to start over at a new facility.  We had started back down this road in February, it was now November and I was no closer to having a child.  I look back and am not sure why I took the news that I would have to do IVF as such a death sentence.  it wasnt like he uttered the words that I would NEVER have another child.  I guess I was in shock that my body had betrayed me and gone further down on the conception scale.  This would mean harder more intense procedures.

I booked my appt with the new center, I couldnt get in until January.  UGH.  2 more months to wait.  But then again, I had been going on this road for 9 months, what's two more to wait.  Well this was just the initial consultation.  Once I started on the path of the drugs and the retrievals.  Well the clock starts ticking again.  Your brother turned 4.  Our quest was still ongoing.

I was put through a whole host of tests again, I was poked and prodded by everyone and anyone that was walking down the hall at the time.   I learned to give myself shots and was subjected to shots twice a day at times.  I went through 2 IVF transfers, only to have them fail.  The 3rd try was the charm.  This time I had 3 really good embryos, and a bunch more to be frozen.  The decision was made to put back 3 embryos using assisted hatch.  I know it was risky, the thought of triplets. Yikes.  But I decided to throw caution to the wind.  The transfer took place on August 14th.  7 months after my initial consult.  And 1.5 years since we  had gone back to try again.

I remember waiting the 2 weeks for the blood test.  I remember wiping myself raw checking for blood in that time frame.  This was always a dead give away that I wasnt pregnant.  I always knew once the bleeding started.  So I remember clearly the day I went in for blood work.  They said they would call with results.  This is one of the longest days of your life.  Waiting and waiting all day.  As I waited I wiped and wiped.  The hours ticked on 12. 1. 2. 3.  I was practically in tears when no call by 3.  UGH.  This could NOT be good news.   Finally before I was ready to leave the office, I got the call.  Congrats!  It's positive.  and the number is HIGH.  This means it is most likely multiples.  UGH.. Multiples?  REALLY?  I went in to make sure the number doubled.  Oh it did.  It skyrocketed.  Then there was the ultrasound to confirm.

I recall the tech saying.  Oh there are 2.  But one of their heartbeats was weak.  I had to come back in a few days to watch and see if both would be viable.

It was a scary time. Waiting.  I went back and both heartbeats were strong.  I was pregnant. With twins.  And so my journey began.

I had a great pregnancy.  I looked fantastic, I felt fantastic.  I had two little beings growing inside of me.  I was deemed high risk so I went weekly to the doctor, and at 28 weeks I was pulled from work.  It was nice to have the time with your brother before you were born.   We spent a lot of time going to our favorite store.  Target.

I spent every monday at the hospital having an NST done.  Miss Ava you were always the little dickens.  You would kick your brother something fierce.  I always said to the nurses, oh she's a spitfire that one.  And you sure are.  You are definitely sassy.  Braeden was always my laid back and content one.  He just took whatever it was that Ava gave him.  Like he still does today.

In the mean time your brother turned 5.

I cant believe it has been 6 years.  I remember the Csection and the doctor delivering you both.  I was in the hospital because my blood pressure had sky rocketed.  I had a scheduled Csection for the next week.  The doctor came to check me and said I was a time bomb.  He needed to take the babies NOW.  Within the hour you were born.  I was in a panic because your father was on his way to the hospital.  I  had no way of reaching him.  Would he  make it to witness the birth?

Braeden came out screaming, Ava in true Diva form had to give everyone a run for their money, and came out not making much of a sound.  I panicked that something was wrong.  But then I heard it.  The sounds of my two babies crying.

I loved  you from the moment I saw the picture of you as embryos.  I was so happy when I learned I was having twins.  I had your names picked out before I even knew you were boy-girl twins.  You have been loved from the beginning.

My sweet Braeden, you have your struggles with your sensory issues, but I am so proud of you.  You are my saving grace.  You melt my heart with your big freckles and infectious smile.  You are my truly sweet sensitive boy.  You give me the biggest hugs and love to snuggle with me.

My beautiful Ava.  My gorgeous daughter.  You are so smart and full of life.  You know what you want and are not afraid to take it.  I hope this spunk continues throughout your life. You are definitely not a shrinking violet.  You have an opinion and you let everyone know it.  You are a force to be reckoned with.

Mommy loves you both so much.  I look at you and hear your laughter and no matter what stress I am feeling, I melt.  Nothing else matters but the love that we have for eachother.

I know the past few years have not been easy.  Our family has gone through many changes, you were little when it all happened.  I have felt guilty for disrupting your little lives.  For creating all the changes and the strife.  But I am proud to say that we have gotten through the hump together. I will not and cannot say that there will not be other times of struggles in our future, but I know I am giving you the tools and the love to get through anything.  Together we can do whatever needs to get done.

My babies...  6 years old....  You kids are my love and my life.  My little miracles.  I never thought I could have enough love for 3 kids, but I do.  I have more love for all of you than you can ever know.

Passing the torch...

This weekend I did something that I know very few can fathom.  I stood witness to my ex husband getting married.  I was one of the few people invited to the wedding. Yes, I was there for the kids sake, but I was actually invited to the ceremony, not just invited to bring the kids to it.

It was a very simple ceremony and it was really lovely.  It was weird to stand there and watch someone pledge to someone else, what they once pledged to you.

I have always prided myself on being able to put the needs of my kids before my own needs and feelings.  My marriage ended, and while I was never bitter from it, I was severely damaged by it.  It was a lot to go through, and I am still going through it.  I still feel the aftershocks of the earthquake.  Yes, the earthquaked happened almost 4 years ago now, but still, the aftershocks still have an affect on me.

My ex and I have a great relationship.  We have managed to do what so many cannot do, we have maintained a civil and loving relationship for the true benefit of the kids.

It was really hard to go through the separation and divorce and watch the kids suffer for it.  There were definitely times when I didn't think any of us would make it out alive.

But we did.  And we did it together.  All of us.  Both my ex and I.  We made sure to handle the situation as civil as we could.  Neither of us believed in belittling the the other one.  We always treated each other with the utmost respect.

Our marriage didn't work out.  We were not destined to have the fairytale ending.  Our series had a finale.  We were not ones to go the complete distance.  We did the half marathon.  If was all that was written in our story.  Our book was only supposed to have the set amount of chapters. Our story had a beginning, a middle and an end.

I was glad to be able to go and stand there and witness my ex, the father of my children, marry someone that is probably better suited for him.  To watch him start the new book of his life.  This book will have some of the same characters, but it goes in a completely different direction.

I was so proud to stand there and watch our three kids be able to participate in this special day with their dad.  They were so grown up and I was able to look on and watch with love.  To see how much love my ex has for our kids, and to see how much love my kids have for him and their new stepmother.

Saturday I officially passed on the torch of Mrs. Roberts.  I am no longer Mrs. Roberts.  My turn at playing Mrs. Roberts has ended.  It's anothers turn.  I wish my ex and his new wife a world of happiness.  I can only hope that they will go the distance, and that the kids will know only happiness when it comes this marriage.

I want the kids to see positive strong adult relationships.  I want them to see what a happy solid marriage looks like.  I never want them to view marriage and relationships in a negative way.  I have taken great pains to avoid that.  I have taken great pains to not have them be witness to the negativity.  When I would be upset or hurt about the demise of my marriage, I never let the kids see that.  I never once talked poorly about their father.  I never want them to ever think anything but good positive thoughts about their father and his new wife.

My family is now considered non traditional.  My kids have a mother and father, yes, that's traditional, but now they have a few extra people thrown in to the mix.  When they question what life will have in store, how this new person fits in, I tell them that there are more people to love them.  And being loved by a lot of people, that is a great thing.

Life is hard.  The kids have learned this lesson at a young age.  You try your best to protect them from harm.  I carry guilt for inflicting  a lot of the harm on them, but at the end of the day, I know that I have tried to do my best for them.  To keep them safe, to love them, to protect them to the best of my ability.  I could have easily stayed for the sake of the kids.  I chose to go for the sake of the kids.  and in the end, that was the best decision for all of us.  We could have stayed together and tried to pretend, but I think had we attempted that, then the outcome would have been different.  There might have been less civility.  There might have been resentment.  There might have been fighting and disrespect.  There might have been nasty comments made, and put downs.  There might have been so much tension you could cut it with a knife.  Silence that was so loud its deafening.  Before any of that had a chance to  happen, we parted ways.  We continued to move the ball forward and get in a better position.  A position that would benefit and help shape the lives of our kids.  Some things aren't worth saving, some things need to be ended in order for new and better things to begin.

And this is where I am today.  New and better things are in store for me.  The torch is officially passed.

In closing I wish my ex and his new wife, a lifetime of love and happiness.

Here are some pictures from the wedding.

Back in the day....

I stumbled upon a CD of mixed songs from "back in the day"...  Well I had no choice but to "stumble" on them, as the radio in my car is on the fritz... (sad sad sad...)

I have spent the better part of the day reminiscing through these songs and the songs of my youth.  I have been reliving my life through these songs.  It's pretty amazing how a song can bring  you back to some place.  It amazes me how music can really move you.

I have been thinking back to my highschool days.  All the fun I had with my friends.  What is truly mind blowing is that I am friends with this same group today.  The fact that our friendship has stood the test of time.  It really is something.

I can see these girls and we can still laugh and engage the same way that we did back 20 years ago.  I wonder how many people can say that?

These are the girls that have been with me through thick and thin.  They are the ones that stood next to me and held me up when I was down.  They are the ones that laughed and cried with me.  They did this for  me 20+ years ago, and they are still doing it today.

They are the same group of girls that stood with me and cried when I cried at the death of my Nana.  They are the ones that were there to pick up the pieces of my failed relationships.  The crushes in High school to the demise of my marriage.  They have stood there and been side by side with me through it all.

Whenever a call is made that one of us is in trouble or needs something, we all come running.  No matter what is going on in our own lives, we make the time to be present when one of us needs the other.

I am truly blessed.  I am so blessed that I have the memories with these girls and more importantly that I continue to make memories with them.

We still all bring something unique to the table.  We still have our own opinions and thoughts and ideas.  We are all still unique individuals.

I am proud to have had these girls there celebrating my marriage and then subsequently my divorce.

It's a testament to our bond.  I am not sure how many people can truly say they have had friends for a good 20 years.  Someone they can call or chat with at a moments notice.  Of course I have added some new friends to the mix.  Friends from College, form various jobs, from later in life, but I still have the core group I had in highschool.  We are still a force to be reckoned with.  Forget it if you are on the dance floor and we step in the room!


Here we are through the years: