A fond farewell to 2010....

As I sit here on the cusp of the New Year, it's a time for me to reflect on all that has happened.

2011 will be a year of changes.  Well I guess so hasn't 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.  Each of these years since my marriage broke up have been a challenge.  I have grown alot, changed alot, stumbled alot, but I always managed to get back up, dust myself off and continue on.  There were days and nights that I never thought I was going to make it to the next day.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, and nights I didn't want to go to bed, alone again.  It's been a struggle to get through the separation and the divorce.  Which will be final in a few short weeks.  I can't believe that chapter of my life will finally be closed.  It seems like it was such a long time getting from there to here. 

As look back on the last 3 years (I still can't believe its been 3 years since my marriage ended. Seems like it was just yesterday, but if you had asked me on that November day where I would be in 3 years, I couldn't even imagine 3 years having passed.).  The first years of the separation I spent a lot of time going out and doing my thing.  I was in victim mode.  I couldn't believe this had happened to me. I couldn't believe that at 35, here I was, single.  While I didn't exactly want to be married, which I was finally able to admit to myself and to others after a while sitting in my therapists office, it was still hard to start the process of undoing what you spent a life time knowing.  I was 20 when D and I met.  We went from Zero to relationship.  I spent the next 15 years of my life with him.  Building a life.  Making plans.  Buying houses.  Having babies.  We did have a good decent fairly solid marriage.  On the outside it was great, it was what was lacking on the inside.  The passion, the head over heels in love.  That left a long time before.  And what replaced it was indifference.  I didn't care.  I checked out. Checked out of my marriage and my life.  I was merely watching life happen to me from the sidelines.  So when the marriage ended, I spent most of 2008 going out and getting my groove back.  I went out.. ALOT.  I drank.. ALOT.. I used it to escape.  but at the end of the day, the problems were still there.  I realized and I guess I always knew, that I was also part of the marriage problem.  My inability to express my opinions and thoughts and feelings, just made me withdraw into myself.  I don't blame my ex for what he did.  I actually thank him.  I know its weird to say that.  But he gave me my life back. He gave me a chance to get it right.  Yes, these chances were there all along, but I was too weak to stand up and say Hey.. I am done.  He gave me the opportunity.  He opened the window... I jumped.

Now I have to fully disclose that I had tossed the idea of trying to repair the damage.  Because after all, we were a family. We had a house and 3 beautiful kids together.  and I mean come one.. my life.. wasnt SO bad.  I did what I wanted, I went out when I wanted, etc.  but it wasn't enough.  I wanted more. I wanted a fullfilling life and marriage.  I didn't want to stay settled anymore.

That day in the therapists office,when I said the words, I can't do this anymore.  They were the hardest thing for me to say.  Divorce doesn't just affect you and your spouse.  It affects everyone around you.  Kids especially.  But it affects your family, your friends.  So much more.  People dont know how to act around you.  It's almost like you have a plague or something.  No one can understand what you go through, how it feels.  The gammut of emotions that are run.  I was in a constant state of flux.

The hardest part was watching my kids struggle.  There were days when I thought well maybe we should just stay together for the kids sake.  it will be better for them.  But it wouldn't.  It really wouldnt.  And so I stood by my decision.  I watched my kids struggle and stood by them while they cried, and we together picked up the pieces and were able to move on.

2008 was an interesting year.  I started dating again.  I had a "relationship" again.  It was weird.  It was good, it was an experience.  It lasted 3 months.  And then I was dumped on NYE.  And that was fun...  haha.. we are good friends now.  He came in to my life for a reason.  I also lost my job. The one thing I was able to count on.  After being there for 9 years, I was told my job was no longer available.  I was a victim of the economy.  Here I was, a single mother of 3, with no job.  I remember breaking down in the HR ladys office,thinking how am I going to do this.  No job, 3 kids.  Great. 

Then something great happened. I got a new job.  A really great new job.  At a company that I really like going to work for.  It was a world of new opportunities.  I was glad to have the new beginning.  Starting fresh. 

2009 was a year of more and more dating.  One right after the other. All the wrong guys.. I got my heart broken alot.  But I wouldnt change it for the world.  I learned a lot.  Had a lot of great sex.  It is true that hindsight is 20/20.  I wish that I could have spared myself some of the heartache, but it did help me to realize things about myself. 

2010 was more of the same.  I did a lot of online dating.  Which was really interesting.  I met a lot of interesting people.  I learned how to put myself out there, and meet new people and experience new things.  It was also the end of some friendships I thought I needed.  I realized that I didn't need these people and the drama and the negativity.   I learned to surround myself with positive strong people, and got rid of the people that were dragging me down and causing negativity. 

2010 also saw me get the strength to finish up with my marriage.  Finally it was time to get all the affairs in order, get the papers filed, go to court and get granted the divorce.  It takes a long time for the process to be finalized.   I have also started dating a great guy.  It was someone that I knew and was interested in for a while, the timing was never right before, but then it got right. 

So I am excited for 2011.  My marriage will officially be over on January 10th.  My guy and I are going strong.  We have had some bumps along the way, but we are working through it.  When something bothers me I tell him and we work through it.  My initial reaction was to say fuck it.. i am done.  but i am trying to communicate what I am feeling.  And its scary and good all at the same time.

I still have alot of living and changing and rebuilding to do.  I spent a lot of time reading books about divorce and getting through it, how to move on.

Divorce is an interesting thing to go through.  I have learned alot.  I have cried alot.  I have done things and met people I never would have before.  I have been living life and experiencing life.  I have opened my eyes and my heart up again. It's scary.  I am scared as hell to think that I could actually be in anything long term.  I am trying to just go with it. 

My hope for the new year is that I can continue on this path of self awareness.  I need to realize and remember that I am smart, beautiful, fun, strong, amazing, and all that good stuff.  It's so easy to feel worthless when you feel like all you are doing is being kicked around.  I take responsibility for how my life has turned out and is turning out.  I am the only one with the power to change things if they are not working out.  I cannot be the victim, and I won't be the victim.  I need to be a strong positive role model to my kids. 

And to pat myself on my back a little bit..  I have to say this..  I think we are doing OK as a family.  I have a great relationship with my ex. 

Christmas Morning, my ex and his fiancee came over to watch the kids open their presents with me and my guy.  It's the definition of a modern family.  Griffin drew a picture of our family.  And I noticed there were a few extra people in it, so I asked who they were.  Well he included his fathers fiancee and my guy.  We were bookends. My ex and his fiancee on one end, me and my guy on the other, the three kids in the middle.  I love that picture.  and I love that my sweet guy is in a place where this is how he visions his family.  We have a couple of extra people in the picture, but we are all together.  And I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that. 

And on that note, I bid a fond farewell to 2010 and I look onward and upward to 2011. 

Happy New Year all!

Calgon.. take me away...

Ok..  so Calgon isn't taking me away.. but my guy is..  Yup.. finally.. the big weekend is approaching.. and FAST approaching.  While I am anxiously awaiting spending an entire weekend kid free with my main squeeze, I am also stressing it, big time. 

I know.. what?  Wait.. STRESSING a romantic weekend away with the one you love, to a place.. well what place.. I have no idea still.. (can you believe I STILL have NO idea where in the world he is taking me) that it will be just me and him (ok and another of our couple friends).  No kids, no responsibilites, nada..  Just time away to enjoy eachother.  Relax and enjoy.

Relax?  What's that mean? 

I am so stressed out right now about this, it's making me sick.  My neck and shoulders are in knots.  Why you may inquire?  Well let's see.. the last time I went away for a weekend, I got a text smack dab in the middle of a beautiful relaxing weekend.  The text you ask?  Well it was from my darling ex... to basically tell me how rotten one of the kids was being.. gee.. thanks.. there I was.. enjoying the relaxing, quiet calm of Maine, and I get texted about the kids acting up.  Ummm.. gee.. thanks.  What am I supposed to do about this..  3hours away and what 300 miles away.  I dont know.  I wasn't about to go home.  He is their father and needs to learn to deal with the moods of 5 year olds.  Why is it that my work is never done?  As a mother, I can't ever go away and turn it off.  I am always worried about the kids acting up when I am not there.  Do they act up for me? Absolutely.  Do I call their father everytime to tell them that?  Nope. Why?  Because it's what kids do.

I know this is a simple concept.  When the kids go with their Dad.. they go with their Dad.. I should only be alerted to something when there is an emergency.  Has someone fallen down, are they in the Emergency Room, has there been an accident?  No. Well then leave me the F*ck alone.  Seriously.  I want to be able to go away and enjoy my weekend.  He gets to enjoy weekends away  with his lady.  Why can't I be afforded the same luxury with my guy?

So I am going to have to put my foot down and say.. PLEASE do NOT call/text/email/skywrite/send a homing pigeon this weekend.  I am OUT.  Done.. Pretend I do NOT exist this weekend.  I sent a lovely worded email, putting the blame on no one...  but asking quite nicely.. to be left alone this weekend..  and he has agreed to not even contact me if one of the kids is burning the other with the severed limb of the third sibling... 

I am trying so hard to get rid of the knots in my neck and shoulders.  I am trying to relax.  It's hard for me.  I know it's stupid and it should be a no brainer.  but it still is affecting me.  And I know that I need to just let it go.  Just breathe.   Think of the fun I am going to have.  The fun of being whisked away to a place that I have had not had to plan one aspect of.  To spend time with the guy that I adore.  To have lots and lots of sex (I know..  TMI.. ).  Even more than that.. to wake up for 2 WHOLE consecutive mornings next to him..  To lay in the crick of his arm and feel safe and loved.  Things that are taken for granted.  It's hard to get that time in when you are single parents. 

I honestly had shut myself off for so long to the intimacy of a relationship.  For so long I had been so closed off to letting someone else in.  It's very scary to allow someone to hold you close and lay still and be still.  I have a hard time with it. But now that I have been doing it.  I realized how much I missed it.  How this had been lacking for me, for some time now.  I now hate when we can't wake up together.  I hate when we can't lay there, and I can trace the curves of his body with my fingertips. That I can't everyday feel the electricity and how excited I feel when I touch his skin.  When he kisses me.  All the good stuff.. 

I get to experience this for the whole weekend. I am sure that the weekend will fly by in the blink of an eye. Reality will be presented back to us soon enough.  I am going to try to live in and enjoy the moments that we have together.  Soon enough it will be Sunday and we will be on the way home, back to our real lives.  Back to the daily grind. Back to having to sleep apart..  Back to the stresses of daily life.  Money woes, Christmas woes, kid woes, work woes.... 

Anyway.. it is my hope to one day figure this all out.. to figure out this thing that is my life.  It's a balancing act.  Somedays I can get through it like clockwork, and say, hmph.. this is no big deal, I got this.. and other days..  I want to say..  Holy Shit.. I have NO idea what I am doing..  I do NOT have this at all..  In fact.. this has got ME! 

So only 3 more wake ups.. and then we are off..  to where.. I dont know..  and I really dont care..  :)