So... yeah....

Once again..  I am neglecting the blog.  I feel like I can only write when I have something truly profound or witty to say.  And well contrary to popular belief... THAT my friends.. is NOT always easy.  I know I know.. It's a shock.  I mean me, not witty at all times.  Seriously.  I do not lie.. I am not always "on". 

So I continue my walks, and I continue to reflect on my life, and then in the beautiful solitude of the dark morning..  I get shocked back to reality by almost getting bit by a dog.  Yeah, fun times..  As if I don't freak myself out enough walking alone in the darkness of the morning..  a freaking little shit yapper dog runs up and starts nipping at me..  Nice..  real nice.. .

So yeah. I have been neglecting the blog again.  I mean 21 days between blog posts.  That's unheard of in the blogesphere.  I know you all wait with bated breath for my next posting.  Logging in everyday to see.. did she.. has she..  and only to be disappointed.. 

I am sitting here at work, when I really should be writing test cases..  but for the life of me I can't get motivated.  Seriously.  I love my job, but the least favorite part of this job is writing test cases.  I mean documenting the steps I am going to take to test something..  snooza dooza...  So I am procrastinating... I know.. its not going to get written itself, but heck, neither is this blog.  So here I am..  Throwing some words down on the computer screen.  I almost said.. on paper (GASP!) but that would show my age.. and I mean how can I keep pretending that I am 29.  I mean I AM 29.. duh..  rats.. foiled again..

So let's see.. what's been going on since my last post.. the lovely written laundry list..  I have to admit I half assed that one too..

Well let's see...  I guess I have been dating someone.  I know.. Guess?  Really?  Yeah.. Ok, so I AM dating someone.  It's weird and scary for me.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am always holding my breath waiting for the day that I get the talk.. or better yet.. I get the just disappears off the face of the earth.  Why do I do this?  Because I am a freak?  Yeah, partially.  But mostly because I am scared to death.  Scared of what it would be like to share my life with someone else.  To mesh my family with his family.  How do I do that without pulling the rug out from under our already fragile feet.  I feel like I have come such a long way and have been able to bring my little family along with me.  I have spent a long time sheltering them and protecting them from what I have gone through in the last almost 3 years.  How do I introduce them to someone new.. how does this person fit into my life and theirs.

With my other relationships I existed in a bubble or a vaccuum.  I spent a lot of time apologizing for having baggage.  And shame on me for referring to my three amazingly wonderful kids as "baggage" and for me apologizing for having them.  That is my bad.  And this is where I have gotten it all wrong.  Before now...  So I approached my dating life as if I was single.  Truly single with no real responsibilites.  The guys knew I had kids, but I took such great pains to hardly bring them up.  I wanted the guy to get to know me for me.  Which there is nothing wrong with that at all..  But my kids are a huge piece of me.  While they don't define me 100%, they are a big piece of me and who I am.   I wanted so much for someone to love me, for me, but what I forgot is that they need to love me for me.. and then love me for what I am to my kids.  

It's hard to date as a single parent.  Especially one with full custody.  It's a balance all the time.  It's hard to put yourself first and your needs first when you are constantly having to schedule dates around them.  Sneaking them in after the kids go to bed, going out only on the night their dad takes them.  It was hard to do.  It was doable and boy I did a lot of it.   Everything always imploded tho.  The kids were protected and I chose guys that I knew had no staying power.  I chose people subconsciously that I knew would leave.  So when it did happen, I would be like oh well I told  you so..  but it never made me feel good about myself.  Being dumped by a loser is just as painful as being dumped by a good guy.  I mean come on.. if this guy is such a loser, and he doesnt want me..  So my self esteem suffered a bit.  Well it's always been shaky anyway.  It's hard to grow up around people that were a size zero or 2, and you aren't.  It was always hard to live up to that body image, so I suffered.  And I suffered in silence.  I never wanted to be a burden on my family.  So I never acted like my feelings mattered.  But hell.. my feelings DO matter.  And I am learning to love myself for me and who I am. 

It's part of the fake it til you make it I guess.  I need to put out into the universe that I deserve to be happy.  And I do.  Dammit..  I have been through the wringer emotionally.  Would I change it.  Not really.  Should I complain.  Not really.  I know there are people much worse off than me, but man some days.. I do just want to curl up into a ball on the floor, throw myself a pity party.. have a good cry.  Let it out.  Let it go.  Let the demons exit.

Well back to the guy..  Yes.. I met someone.  Well it's someone that I have known.  I had been interested in him for a while, but the timing wasn't right.  As luck would have it.. the timing got right.  and it scares the shit out of me.   I was not ready for anything real before.  And I even hate talking about it now because its so new and I feel like if I talk about it, then I jinx it.  Yes, I am still a little bit on the crazy side.  I am working on that.  I swear I am.  I am trying to keep the crazy in check. 

But so far so good.  It's weird for me to have someone that WANTS to see me.  That wants to be with me.  That wants to be around me and my kids.  He also has a daughter, so he wanted the kids to meet.  It was important to him that they do. 

The past couple of years when I had been dating, it was always me fabricating a relationship.  Making it something more than it was.  Ignoring that little tap on the shoulder or the red flags that were being thrown up all over the place.  I was always trying to force this other person into my world.  I wanted to parade them around to my friends, to say see.. I am not so damaged.  I still  have someone..  only it didnt really matter to me who that someone was.. it could have been anyone.  and it typically was just anyone.  I tried to mesh someone into my life.  This time..  It's a change for me.  He is inviting me into HIS world.  He takes me around his friends, he introduces me as HIS girl.  He has talked about me so most of his friends know me without even having met me.  He is proud to have me on his arm.  It's really weird for me. 

What's really weird is that I want to see him.  I want to be with him.  It's hard with the kids and schedules, but we are finding the time.  I find that I look forward to talking to him or seeing him. 

I don't know where this will go or if it's meant to go long term.  But I am liking it so far.  and this scares me.  The things that I swore that I liked or didnt like, I am looking at differently.  I was so sure I didn't like cuddling and snuggling, but I do.  I want to just lay there and feel safe and protected. 

It's hard to go from being a me or an I to a "we"...  He says "we are invited... " , "we were just talking about this" and i have to ask.. who is the we..

It's really hard for me to even put this out into the universe.. because I am afraid that I will jinx it.  I know it's stupid.  Talking about someone that makes me happy, shouldn't be a jinx. 

So we will see where this new road leads me..  It's all so new, and I am really not sure how to handle it..  so I am trying to tred lightly.. 

And to those that didn't know..  I am sorry..  I have kept this one close to the vest.  I have been protecting it..  and mostly because if it went belly up, I didn't want to explain or hear about it over and over again.  But I have to stop being so afraid..  I have just go with it and see what happens... 

Who knows.. I could be in for something great... 

Laundry list....

Some people have a bucket list.. me?  I apparently have a laundry list. And NO not THAT kind of laundry list. I prefer to pretend THAT kind of laundry doesn't exist, especially as it piles up...anyway...   my laundry list is about what I want in my next life..  ok, so not really my next life.. but my next mate..  since I have what I essentially call a second chance, I have been asked a ton of times, what it is I am looking for.  I guess saying I want it all, the whole package, that's a bit of tall order... but I have been thinking about this alot lately.  Especially since the people I had been keeping company with, were not ummm...  even close to this list...   Not to take anything away from them.. I have learned a lot about what I want and don't want in my next life. 

So this is what I have come up with..  (for now)

• I want to be the first thing you think about in the morning, and the last thing you think about at night
• I want someone that thinks about me during the day
• Someone that can't wait to talk to me or see me
• Someone that can't keep their hands off of me
• Someone that when they look at me, they get butterflies.. and the same with me for them
• Someone that is comfortable wearing a suit as well as a pair of jeans
• Someone that can have fun going out to a fancy dinner, or staying in playing scrabble
• Someone to cuddle up with on the couch watching a movie
• Someone that can keep me on my toes
• Someone to call me on my bullshit (and there is plenty of that...)
• Someone that when I am on their arm is proud to have me there
• Someone that can't wait to take me around and introduce me to his friends
• Someone that looks at me like I am the hottest girl in the room, even when I am a mess
• I want a partner, an equal
• Someone that can share the work equally
• Someone that knows when I am having a bad day, and that means, a nice glass of wine, take out and chocolate
• Someone that I can make happy
• Someone that makes me happy
• Someone that makes me laugh uncontrollably and does his best to never make me cry
• Someone to go to bed with at night, to lay in the crick of his arm, listening to him breathing
• Someone to wake up with in morning
• Someone to kiss my head and tell me things are going to be ok

I know...  Pretty simple right?  I know it's a tall order, and why shouldn't it be?  Why shouldn't I deserve the best?  I am not a Pioneer, I don't need to be settling.

I know I am a tough sell.  A single mother to 3 kids. I know this is a lot for someone.  And trust me, over the past 2.5 years, I have had these very things thrown in my face.  I know these people weren't right for me, and that we were never meant to be.  They were a mere learning experience for me.  A lesson.  They were in my life to teach me that these are the people I don't want.  That there is someone out there that can look passed my crazy, that will adore my kids and wants to build a life with me.  Is it harder now?  Yes.  But I have hope that in the end, it will be worth it.  That all that I have gone through, I will get the big payoff in the end..

When all is said and done..  I want the fairytale...

And I am still hopeful that someday my prince will come.  When I least expect it.  He will come and sweep me off my feet.

I guess for now I keep on keeping on. All the battle scars I have will have been worth it.  They have made me stronger, if not a little more skeptical, but definitely stronger and more aware.

And I figure if I put my order out in to the universe, it might be fulfilled and returned..