Enjoy the silence....

So I have been without a computer for almost a week now.  Well without a HOME computer.  I obviously have access to a computer at work, seeing as this is 2010 and not 1910.  But anyway.. So I have a reason for neglecting my blog.  I had a really really really witty blog all written in my head.  I know.  I say that ALL the time.  But I did. 

I realized something very interesting this past weekend.  I don't know how to just be.  I don't know how to just sit and do nothing.  I can't shut my mind off (gee, and I wonder where Griffin gets this from.. hmm.. I don't know.. let me think about this for a few minutes..).  I am in a constant state of go.  I thought I could just sit around and do nothing, but until this past weekend, I didn't even know what that really meant.

So let's go back to last weekend, oh and how I wish I could..  but anyway..  so I had the luxury of having no kids for the entire weekend.  I packed up the car and headed up 2.5hours north to Brownfield Maine, to my friends cabin on Burnt Meadow Pond.  I forget how much I truly enjoy being up in the mountains.  It's so damn quiet and peaceful.  And that was the problem.  It was so damn quiet and peaceful.  At some point Saturday morning, while I was trying to enjoy the silence, I realized that I don't know how to sit still and enjoy the silence.  I don't know what it  means to truly do nothing.  I do  have the luxury of sending the kids away to their Dad's one night a weekend, and I get some "me" time.  But I am never truly doing nothing.  I am always doing something.

So here I sit... on a peaceful Saturday morning in a sweatshirt on the deck over looking the pond, listening to birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees.  I have a book in hand.  Ahh.. bliss right?  WRONG.. I am completely anxious.  I am sitting there and trying to enjoy all of this beauty around me.  And I can't.  I mean, that's not entirely true.. I am enjoying it.  I am taking it all in.. But I am conflicted about it.  I start to have the following conversation.. WITH MYSELF...

God it's beautiful here. So peaceful
I should be doing something
I dont want to do anything
but I should be doing something
maybe i should sit on the deck
ok, i will sit on the deck and read
read read read.
i dont want to read though
its nice out, maybe i should go in the water
i dont want to go in the water
maybe i should walk down to the beach
i dont want to walk down to the beach
i cant just sit here because thats just wasting this beautiful day
i cant waste this beautiful day
i should be doing something
maybe i will get back up and go and sit in the living room and read my book
i dont want to read my book though. i just want to sit on the couch and enjoy the view
if i just sit here and do nothing then i am lazy
i need to get up and do something
but i dont have to do anything.
i am not responsible for anyone but myself. 
i dont need to be active, i can just be

so this pretty much went on for a good half hour or so.  It amazes me that I had such an internal struggle.  That i found it so damn hard to just sit back and relax and enjoy my surroundings.  Enjoy the silence, the quiet.  The breeze rustling the trees, the birds chirping, someone on their boat off in the distance, the guy sawing some wood down the street.   The more I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to sit there, the more anxious I became. 

And it made me realize.... that I really don't know how to relax.  I don't know how to sit and be and just unwind.  Even at home when I am on my deck reading a book, drinking a glass of wine, there are always other thoughts going on, kids got to be fed, bed time, what will I wear to work tomorrow.. I got bills to pay.  I guess we are a society that is always on the go.  We always have to be occupied.  Isnt there a saying about idle hands are the devils work.  Why cant we just be lazy once in a while.  I think we have earned it.  Well I know I have earned it. 

Another thing about just being in complete quiet, is that you are alone with your thoughts.. and if you are anything like me.. I dont want to be alone with my thoughts.  The line from the Pink song "The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth".  It is so true.  When you are alone, its really a time to think and reflect, without outside influences.  And that is tough.  You have to be honest with yourself.  I know I spend a lot of time fooling myself with the choices I make, but I get distracted because I let other noise in.  When I was sitting there quiet, it was almost too much to bear.  Too scary to just be. 

but in hindsight, I wish I could be back there.  I wish I could just "be" more. 

I wish my brain had a shut off, snooze or a hibernate.  I was grateful to have the time I did get.  The time to be alone, where no one was asking me for anything.  No one wanted anything of me, other than for me to be.  I didn't have to be anything to anyone.  I didn't have to be the responsible one, the one that stays up at night with worry about how the bills are going to be paid, are the kids ok, the stress of starting a new school year.  I got to just be, and just be me.  No stress, nothing.  And it was nice. Even if it was only for a little bit.  Sometimes I need to be and check out for a bit. 

Somedays...

Somedays.. I don't want to be the adult..  I don't want the responsibilites of being the adult.  I don't want to make all the decisions.. 

Somedays.. I feel just like putting on some sappy sad music and throwing myself a little pity party. 

Today is one of those days..  I seem to be in a bit of a funk.  So many weird things have been happening.  People from the past surfacing.  The people that have wronged you and you have pushed away.. the very ones that have the ability to shake you to the core, even though, you have dealt with the fallout from them, and have filed it away. 

I always wonder why these people can do this.. or maybe the question is why do I LET them do this to me.  I mean after all, I am the one responsible for how I feel.  Others can say or do things, but at the end of the day, it's me that needs to decide how to process this.  I am the one responsible for how I let people affect me and my life.. 

With all my learning, growing and changing, it's the part I still  have issue with. 

I had found this quote a while back, and have it posted on my wall at work:

An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked.  They are caused by us, not by exterior happenings.   An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it.  So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves. 

So today is one of those days..  when I sit and reflect on things.  I guess today I am Melancholy Michelle. 

It's the day when you listen to sad songs, want to watch sad movies..  sit on the couch and have yourself a good cry.  Maybe once and a while you need to have a good cry.. I don't know. 

Somedays I wonder if I ever will figure out my life..  my guess is not really.  Life will always stay one step ahead of me.. when I think I have things under control, and am getting the hang of it..  something happens to change it.. sometimes its someone that happens along to change it. 

So for now.. I will continue with my imagery to get me through the days that I feel down..  These people that have resurfaced, I envision myself sweeping them with a large broom..  off of my sidewalk.. and in to the gutter... 

Life imitates.. Life

Apart from neglecting my blog.. I have been doing much of nothing.. ok, that's not entirely true.  I have been reading a lot, starting walking again, or trying to.  Ok, so I could always WALK.. I learned that about 36 years ago.. but I mean I am walking in the morning. It's not been fun, but it's good for me.  I have upped my time to an hour now.  Heck, why not. I mean I am up anyway.  Why not make the most of it. Of course I would rather stay in my very comfy bed...

I recently got my annual review from work.  It was a really good review, which was nice to hear/see.  We do 360 feedback, so you get to tell the manager exactly what you think of someone.  Good times.  You always hope that someone thinks highly of you, but you can never be too sure how someone percieves you.  So needless to say, I get my review and review it.. a ha... come on, that was kindof.. ok, it wasn't funny at all.. but whatever.. I digress and move on.. 

Here's the funny/ironic part of my review.. the things that people pointed out about me, are things that I do in my personal/dating life.. Oh what are these things you may wonder...  well.. let's take a look see..  they were things like.. she has great gut instincts, and she needs to trust them more... umm yeah.. like I haven't heard THAT one about the guys I date before.. Yeah.. I  know he's a loser.. but no maybe not..  Umm.. yeah.. I need to trust my gut.. it's big enough.. you would think it wouldn't steer me wrong..  She needs more self confidence.  What?  Me?  NOOOOOO.. really..  She can tend to giggle too much when she is nervous.. Again.. really?  I had to giggle at that one..  I do giggle when I am nervous..  I can't help it.. 

So it was funny to see that how I am in my personal life is how I am in my professional life.  And in both aspects of my life I have people that really want to see me succeed. 

I looked at the review and then met with my boss.  I had highlighted the pieces I need to work on, and I said to her.. I just need to laugh (or giggle).. NOTHING in here is surprising to me..  This is exactly how I am.  Spelled out in black and white.  It's just funny that I didn't realize it was that apparent to the people I work with.  I like to think I am one way at work and one way in my real life.  But nope.  I am me.  For all my faults.  I am consistent.. or consistently inconsistent.  I don't know. 

For the first time in a LOOOONG time.. I took the feedback, and didn't take it to the negative place.  I saw these as positives.  Each person that commented on things like she needs to trust herself, all said that they know I have great instincts, am good at what I do and that I just need to trust myself.  I need to stop second guessing things and to step outside my comfort zone.  I am making a concerted effort to do just that.  If I have a question or an opinion, I am not going to  hold back, I am going to say it, express it, feel it..  My boss said that everyone enjoys working with me and that I bring a nice energy to the team and that everyone really wants to see and help me to succeed.  So it was really nice to hear and I was pretty happy to see that I  have these strong relationships in my work life as I do in my personal life. 

In my personal life I am ridding myself of the negativity and the people that want to keep me down.  Half the time it's me keeping myself down, but I am learning that I am worthy of lots of great things in life.  I have a good life.  I just dont appreciate sometimes.  And I need to start doing that more.  I have truly great kids, an amazing family and some of the best friends in the world.  I am now surrounding myself with a lot more positive people.  Strong females that look to empower me and I to them.  Relationships are about give and take.  And I like to be on a level footing with people.  Everyone is unique and has things to offer me and teach me, and I hope that I can reciprocate with them.  I never want to be the one that always takes and drains the energy from the room.  I want to give, but I also don't want to be the one that has to give all the time, because dammit I deserve to be taken care of sometimes too. 

It's amazing how much I have learned about myself, am learning about myself.  I said it feels like I have woken up to a fresh pot of coffee (not that I like coffee..  but I do enjoy the smell of it..).  That I am finally seeing things and people for what they are.. not for what I percieved or wanted them to be.

I am just going to keep on truckin...