I saw this quote today and it really touched home.
"No one has the right to judge you, because no one really knows what you have been through. They might have heard the stories, but they didn't feel what you felt in your heart." ~Unknown
I have been victim of people feeling they had the right to judge me and my
lifestyle, especially over the last couple of years. After having been in a long term relationship and marriage, my world was turned upside down. My husband admitted to indiscretions and so I decided to end the relationship. I have been through alot since Nov 2007. I have had to reassess everything in my life. I had to make hard decisions, I have had to watch my kids struggle. I have struggled myself with personal and professional relationships. I lost my job. I nearly lost my house. I have lost friends in the process. People that you confide everything in. I lost myself before and after my marriage broke up. I didnt know what I was going to do in my life or with my life. And I struggled everyday to build my life back, to get myself back, to get meaning back. I always kept my eye on the prize, which was to keep my kids from suffering too much. It was hard at first, and it is still hard when they ask the tough questions. But we have or are in the process of settling into a nice routine.
It is my wish that no one has to go through the pain of divorce and reevaluation. That no one has to know what it feels like to lose everything you knew for the last 13 years. To start from scratch. A little bit older and with three kids in tow. I put up a good front. I sometimes acted like things didn't bother me. Or I had the oh well, whatever, cavalier attitude. I couldn't let people see how much I was hurting. I couldn't let people know that I was broken. I did alot of things that I am not 100% proud of. I drank a bit too much, I "dated" maybe a bit too much for some peoples likings. I hid a lot of pain and didn't talk too much about the divorce and the process. People are uncomfortable with divorce and its aftermath. What happens after. I was the single friend there to take out my married friends and make them reevaluate their relationships. I was not at the same station in life as my friends anymore. People couldn't relate to me and what it was like to be single after so many years of being part of someone else. Here I was dipping my foot back in to the dating world, while my friends were celebrating wedding anniversaries. The anniversaries I started celebrating were dating anniversaries. 1 week, 2 weeks, a month, 3 months. It all must have seemed so trivial on the outside. No one can understand what it's like to go back out in the dating world after 13 years of being part of a couple. I got my heart broken and my head played with more times than I care to share. And through it all, I had 3 little people that were looking to me for guidance and direction. I had to keep it together for them. If not always for myself, I needed to be there for them. I didn't have the luxury of checking out. I got the time to myself when they were either spending the night at their fathers house or when they were asleep. Those were the times when I was alone that I would sit and cry. I would sit and try to figure out what the hell was going on. How was I going to survive this. And this was bigger than me. This wasn't just about me being a single gal. This was about me being a single mother. I had a house to run, kids to take care of. And add in the fact that I have 2 kids with special needs. It's a wonder I made it through this in one piece.
People make mistakes, people change, feelings get hurt. I know I went out and got a little crazy at times. I am happy to say that my family and some friends had enough love and respect for me to stand up and say.. Whoa... wait a minute. What's going on. They pointed out some behaviors that definitely weren't my finest hours. And while it hurt at the time to hear it. No one really wants to hear that they are doing something wrong. I knew at times my actions were not the best. But I always owned up to them. If I made a mistake or I hurt someone, I made sure to apologize. To let them know that it was never my intention. I have always tried to live my life to the best of my ability. To empower people when I could. To lend an ear when needed. To do whatever it took. It saddens me that not all people act the same. I guess some people are just natural takers. I am a giver. I have a hard time with accepting help. I try not to assign blame. I live my life the best I can. Yes, sometimes I am not so great at it. Sometimes I just downright suck as a person. I have been guilty of participating in gossip, of saying things that I probably shouldn't have said. Of expressing my opinion when perhaps it should have just remained in my own thoughts. I am guilty of it. I am hypocritical. I can point out things that are wrong in other peoples lives without having that insight into my own. But I am learning. I am learning to change my behaviors. I know that my actions have a ripple effect. What I say and do does not just affect me. It affects the ones that are around me. The ones I love.
It is hard to admit when you are wrong. I know I have had trouble with it. But I would do it. And I am sure I have wronged people. I am not a perfect person. I never will be. And that's ok. I put too much pressure on myself to be better than I am.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
She sure had it right.
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