Taking a step back...

I started writing a post a week or so ago.  It was pretty much a pity party for me.  My second son had been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  Most kids have one of the two forms of it, either external stimuli or internal stimuli.  My sweet son has both.  In a nutshell this means that he gets overwhelmed with external stimuli AND internal stimuli.  Someone that has external stimuli issues, can calm themselves through internal means, and vice versa.  My sweet baby has both.  This means, that he gets overstimulated from both.  So he gets it coming and going.  Life will be a challenge for him.  There is no cure for this, no magic pill, nothing.  It's a spectrum disorder, so severity levels are on an individual basis.  He will learn coping mechanisms.  Life will not be easy.  One minute he can be completely happy and then with the snap of a finger, meltdown central.  Fortunately, it has been caught early and is being addressed early.

Here is where the pity party comes in.  I spent a lot of time thinking why me?  Why do I now have TWO kids with special needs.  UGH.   Then I thought that somehow I caused this.  That is was my fault that the kids have issues, and they will struggle their entire life.  Because of ME.  No one knows the effects of the fertility drugs I took.  No one can clearly and confidently say it is or is not the cause of the ills that affect my children.  The same drugs I had to take to have my kids, might have caused them problems.

I then realized that I need to take a step back.  I need to stop with the pity party.  I need to take the focus off of myself and how hard this is for me, a single mom to 3 kids, 2 of which have special needs.  I need to look at it from another perspective.  My kids.  They are the ones that will struggle their entire lives.  They will be the ones that have to fight.  I have been told that they are just wired wrong.  They are the square pegs trying to fit in to the round hole.  They are the ones that will constantly struggle with trying to be "normal".  They will fight their entire lives with people that just don't understand them, people that will think they are just acting up. It's not like they can wear a sign that says they have special needs.  That tells people that some things just trigger a bad reaction.  That after they are tired or have been at something too long, they are more prone to act out.  That their reactions to stress are 10x more than your own.  That things you think are "no big deal", can send them in to a tail spin.  Their behaviors are sometimes uncontrollable.  They are fighting with an inner demon.  One they can only hope to quiet, but can never quite conquer.  Many times their inner battles is misconstrued as behavioral.  They are often told they have to control it, and sometimes they cannot.

But at least they are healthy.  And that is something I have to take comfort in.  We can control through therapies and special "Sensory diets".  They are healthy.

I realized in reading about some friends who have kids that are battling cancer, that my problems are nothing compared to theirs.  What gives me the right to complain or feel bad about my situation, when their kids are battling for their lives?

I know it's all about perspectives.  We take things for granted.  It goes down to the concept of know your audience.  I can sit here and feel sorry for myself for having two kids with special needs, but if I say this to the mother who has a child that is battling cancer, my problems pale in comparison to hers.  I am sure she would give anything to be in my shoes.   I can complain that I am broke, my house is on the verge of foreclosure, but if I say this to the person that has just lost their house, living in a shelter or their car, then I am sure they would give anything to be in my position.  Because yes, I am broke, and yes my house is thisclose to being foreclosed upon, but I am fortunate enough to have had a 401k that I could cash in, in an attempt to save it.  So am I broke, yes, in one respect, but I am not completely flat out.

I have been told that I have a negative attitude.  By many people.  And I fully admit.  I sometimes have a hard time seeing the glass as half full, heck, truth be told, I sometimes even have a hard time of seeing the glass as half empty, because that is even too optimistic.  I see the glass as shattered.  Beyond repair.

I don't give myself enough credit. I know this.  This is something I am trying to work on.  I have been in therapy for a few years now.  I am getting better, and I will continue to get better at this. It is hard.  It's easy to go to the negative.  It's a place I lived for so long.  It's my security blanket.  I go to this place because I know it.  I am familiar with it.  I can hide behind it.  If I start trying to stay positive, well that's kind of uncharted territory for me.  It's scary for me.  I know it sounds silly, but I lived my entire life this way.  I need to cut myself some slack too.  I fully admit, I am very hard on myself.  I have heard this numerous times and in numerous situations.  I am my own worst enemy.

I need to look at the positives:  we are a relatively healthy, happy family unit.  My kids have many people in their lives that love them.  I have many friends and family that love me.  I have a great job, I am trying to provide best I can for myself and my family.  I have been commended for how I handled my separation and divorce.  How I can have a great relationship with my ex and his new wife.  That I have managed to shield the kids from a lot of negatives regarding divorce.  I  have shown my kids that just because their parents are no longer together, we still love them very much.  And our divorce was no way a reflection on them.  We divorced to be better parents for them.  It sounds funny that we separated so that we could each be happy.  Happy parents make happy kids.  It makes me feel good when I hear from people that they hope to be able to handle their divorce with the same style and grace that I handled mine.  That I have been looked upon as a role model to them.  It makes me feel good.  To know that through an extremely tough time, I was able to stand tall, with my head held high.

And through it all, through the stress of possibly losing my house, and having to cash out a 401k that I worked for a good chunk of my life to have, I can see that once I get the house situation righted, I might have a little bit left to pay off one or maybe two of the credit cards, freeing up some money to save.

So there is a silver lining to this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I am strong.

And I do need to remind myself of these things.  I am truly blessed and truly fortunate.