I don't want to make the same mistakes...

I am sitting here at my desk, while I should be working.. ok, I AM working, technically... Thank GOD for Technology.. I mean seriously.. How DID we ever look busy before computers and the internet...  Oh yes, I am just "researching" things....  yeah, that's it.. it's even better when my job consists of me actually doing web based testing..  yup.. I know.. at one point, my job was to actually shop!  Yes.. SHOP!!  Yay.. well it was to simulate shopping experiences, and we got to use fake credit card numbers and everything. So it was AWESOME..  I bought myself a whole bunch of great stuff.. well in my mind I did... 

So anyway.. as I sit here, catching up on the blogs I follow, and listening to my ipod, clearly not doing any work (hey I was on lunch ok... give me a break..), that is where the title for this post comes from.. No, not my lack of doing work today (can you say unmotivated today.. yes.. I can..) but from my ipod.  Bon Jovi's Open all night just came on, and that line always gets me:  I don't want to make the same mistakes....  It's always touched me.   I can relate to it. 

I am tired of making the same mistakes.  Einstein said:  Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...  I lived my life like that.  In fact I still do.  It's tough. Tough to break out of habits and patterns. Things we come to rely on.  It's our safety net, our security blanket. It's a way to keep balance among Chaos.    I can immediately go to a place that I feel safe.  Doesn't mean that it's the right place, but it's a familiar place and to me... that means "safe". 

Since my marriage ended 3 years ago now (wow.. can't believe it was 3 years ago November that my marriage ended... ) I have had to do so many things that have been outside my comfort zone....  I have made a lot of mistakes, or as I like to call them.. they were not  my finest hours.  I have learned alot, and realized I haven't learned much of anything. 

I continued to fall for the wrong guys.  I continued to act the same way.  All the while I was wondering why things werent working out.  Well I think everyone could see it coming from a mile away..  That the train I was on might have had a new shiny coat of paint, but it was still chugging down the same track.  I hadn't changed anything about the way I took the journey or traveled.  I just changed the shell.  I did this in the hope to confuse and fool you.. but it turned out, the only one that was the fool was me.. as I continued down the wrong track.. 

I am really trying to be on the right track now.  and dare I say, things are chugging along nicely with me and my guy...  it's weird.  I know it shouldn't be.. but it still is.  I am still struggling with the fact that this relationship could actually have legs. 

Saturday night he took me and our moms to see a show at the Wang (or Citi Wang.. whatever its called today).  The group was Straight No Chaser.  It was a great night.  We went to dinner and then off to the show.  It was nice to do something not of the norm, and it was so sweet that he wanted to bring me and my mom.   (Ok, so truth be told when he first bought the tickets months ago, it was to bring his ex gf and HER mom.. but I am going to overlook that.. ha ha.. ) We had a great time, and it was nice to be out with him and not  hanging out at his "club" or the local bar we have come to frequent. 

It still blows my mind to be with someone that thinks about me and wants to do things for me.  I mean I know this is the norm, but it hasn't been for me for a while.  I was meeting people that didn't care much about actually building a relationship.  This was where I was getting it wrong.  Do I have it right this time, I don't know.  We will see.  Life is always a learning experiment.  I can't predict the future, I can't change the past, I can only concentrate on the present... 

And with that, I am trying.  I am trying not to let the crazy bleed in.  It is hard for me.  I know it's unfair to take out my insecurities on him, but I still do...  and I am working on it.  I am.. really.. I am trying to not get too worked up over stupid things.. I am trying not to punish him for things that others have done to me in the past.  I am trying to live in an open and honest relationship.  Being vulnerable and letting my walls come down is super hard for me.  I always feel like if I let someone in then they can use these vulnerabilities against me.  I open up my heart, they come in and then proceed to step all over it.  I don't want that.  I don't want to feel afraid of it.  I mean if this doesn't work out, there is nothing that I can do to stop that.  I can't beg, cry, scream.  Well I can.. but why would I want to.. I have tried in the past to hold on to things and people that weren't even worthy of me.  But I felt so down in the dumps about me and my relationships that I thought I deserved to be treated the way I was being treated.  I know better now.. or I am LEARNING. 

Being open and honest is hard.  This blog has helped me a bit.  Helped me to put down thoughts and feelings that sometimes are even hard for me to say outloud.  I guess it's kindof the cowards way of getting my feet wet with how to be honest.  It's easy to put on a smile and tell people that things are "fine"... everything is "fine"... when deep down you are screaming inside because things aren't fine... I am getting better at expressing and sharing feelings. 

I am reading this great book right now called Falling Apart in One Piece.  It's about a woman's journey through her divorce.  It's really hitting home.  why read these books you wonder... well it is helping me to put a lot of things in perspective.  Helps me to feel like I am not alone.  It's tough going through a divorce.  And it's definitely really tough when you are the first one of your friends to do it.  I was the first to get married, and the first to divorce.  Reading about others experiences with it, is helping me to understand it.  Getting divorced was the right thing for me to do.  But it doesn't mean that it still has an affect on me.  It's hard to undo a whole lifetimes worth of emotions and memories.  I am lucky in that my divorce was very amicable, but there are days it hits me hard.  They say divorce is like a death, and that is true..  you can never convey what it feels like to loose something or someone in that manner.  Life goes on around you and you are left to pick up the pieces, to start again.  Even though I knew that I was in an unfulling marriage, that I really didn't have any business getting married in the first place, it was still hard to stand there at 34 and realize that I had to start my life over again.  This time, with 3 kids in tow.  It's been tough navigating the dating scene.  I am fortunate to find someone that has no issues with kids, but it's still hard.  His daughter goes away for the whole weekend, pretty much every weekend, and I get one weekend night every weekend.  It sucks that I can't have both weekends to hang out, and I guess that is good in a sense too.. but I get jealous of that freedom.  And here is where I need to not make the same mistakes... I get jealous of the fact that he can hang out all day and night with his friends, and not have to worry about things... that he can go out both weekend nights.  Yes one is with me.. but I am in that selfish phase.. where I think he should be spending EVERY night with me.. and this is where I need to keep the crazy in check... 

I am trying.. but like I said.. it bleeds through.... 

and once again.. my postings are all over the place.. is it a wonder that I can get through the day... 

Thanks for reading.. and continuing on this journey with me...  :)