I will survive....

Oooh.. I.. I will survive...  sorry.. song now stuck in my head.  And I bet you are thanking me profusely now....

And wait.... "WILL" survive...  Strike that..  DID Survive.

Yes.  Friends.  It is true. We made it through the weekend.  Unscathed.  Well ok, not entirely true.  My guy and I did have a minor disagreement Friday night.  A discussion if you will.  Which I guess turned out to be a rather LOUD one, seeing as we were in the backwood of NH, late at night, in a one room cabin.  So needless to say... when you think the kids aren't listening.  Ummm.. yeah.  anyway.  Moving on.  We cleared the air, apologized profusely to the kids, and went about our weekend.

So all of my worrying was for naught.  The weekend went off without a hitch, well if we forget about that little snafu with the discussion.  then yeah, it went off without a hitch.  The kids (mine especially) adjusted to life in a one room cabin with no electricity quite well.  They really enjoyed themselves.

We spent a lot of time in the pool, we canoed, we walked around, sat by the fire.  It was such a nice relaxing family vacation.

I was happy to spend the weekend away, unplugged with those that I love the most in my life.  My kids and my guy and his daughter.  The 4 kids got along well, and it made me fall even more in love with my guy to watch him interact with my kids.  He was so sweet and gentle with them. Traits I knew he had, but to watch a man play with "his" kids. There is nothing sweeter than that.  He had no qualms and didn't scoff when the kids started to meltdown a bit, he took them back to the site, and sat with them until they calmed down.  He had no problem with them waking up early in the morning and jumping in to bed with us.  He didn't awake angry or upset, or feel like his vacation was being ruined (things I thought COULD happen, because on a normal day at home, my kids can be tough, and here we were, all in one room.  no where to go.).

We had a fantastic time.  We got to have some adult time with our friends, and the kids got to spend time together and really bond.

I honest and truly didn't want the weekend to end.  I was content. There was no hustle and bustle to be anywhere, there was no phones (ok, so we did check our emails and FB through our phones.. shh.. don't tell the kids.. ha ha), there was only us and the outdoors.

I grew up camping.  Spent my summers in North Conway and use to love it.  I forgot how much I love the outdoors.  The slow pace of life.  Escaping your problems if for only a short time, but taking in the beauty and the silence. And watching the kids discover the world around them.  They saw fireflies and snakes and all kinds of other insects.  They had fun just running around and playing.  Using their imaginations.

So all the stress and the anxiety I felt about the weekend away, I have to say was for nothing.  Great time was had by all.  It has really solidified our relationship and the blending of our families.  I definitely look forward to our next adventure.







Our adult survival kit:

Oh my....

I am not really sure what I have gotten myself in to.  This weekend coming up is a big "family" vacation weekend.  Going away with the boyfriend and all of our kids.  Ok, no big deal you say right?  We have been away as a family before and survived.  They have spent nights at the house.

Oh no no no... This time my friends... this time it's different.  We are going camping. Yup. Camping.  Now I grew up camping.  But I have to say, my idea of camping became a trailer, with all the amenities.  Why suffer in the elements? Please. I had a tent at one point, with 2 beds and a tv.  Come on.  I think the tent was bigger than my room at home.  It was certainly more private.

When I was dating my now ex husband, we use to camp all the time.  So romantic.  Me and him in a two man tent, ahh... so lovely.   Yeah.  No thanks.  I dont like sleeping on the floor.  That is not for me at this point.

So flash forward to present day.  Friends of ours camp at a campground and they are having a luau weekend.  What a great family vacation right?  They have a cabin we can rent.  Even better.  A cabin, with running water and electricity.  Sign me up!  Yeah, said cabin.. NOT available.  UGH.  We can get the rustic cabin.  Oh great.  RUSTIC?  Yeah.. great.  Did I mention that my three kids are plugged in at all times?  Yeah. I think they have a power cord coming out of their asses they are always "on".

Well my friends.  I feel I need to show where we will be staying.

Wow.  Looks pretty.  Not so bad right?  Well as I have always said.. don't judge a book by it's cover.  What is displayed on the outside, might not be what is truly lurking on the inside....



I guess when they said RUSTIC they really meant it.  I have seen kids playhouses more finished than this place!





I can pretty much rest assured that sex, this weekend, is OUT of the question.  Yowza.

And I stand by original position.... If my guy and I can make it through this weekend, we can probably overcome anything.

Wish me luck!  And check your local papers.  MA couple goes missing in NH.

Perspectives....

I started writing this post back in January.  It has been sitting in my drafts since then.  I am not 100% sure why I abandoned the post.  Why I felt it wasn't worth actually posting.  I guess sometimes I have blogger ADD.  I typically don't post unless I have something to say.  Unless I feel passionate about things that are going on in my life, or if I feel the need to work things out, by saying them "out loud".  The blog is my closest way to say things that I have been mulling over or having problems with, without actually admitting things.  Words, once said outloud, can't be taken back.  You can't strike them from the record.  When in a fight and you say things that are not so nice, but in the heat of the moment are meant to sting the other person, but after you think about it, realize that you didn't "really" mean them.  So not "really" meaning them, that doesn't erase that they were said.  That somewhere deep down, these feelings are just sitting there.  Waiting to surface.  Waiting for the appropriate time to be let out.  And that is usually in the heat of the moment.  I know I have said many things in the heat of the moment, that I sometimes wish I hadn't said.  I know people that continue to spit venom when they are angered.  They continue to say the same degrading things in the heat of the moment.  At what point, do we just let that go?  How many times can we keep saying, well they were just heated, and didnt mean it.  I wonder about this.  alot.   Having been victim to it, I often wonder, how much of what is spat in the heat of the moment, is true?  I am also guilty of doing this as well.  I know I can use words to cut people.  It's a virtual slap.  But what isn't realized is that sting that remains from words, is much more powerful than that which is left from a slap.

I have to say I am most guilty of cutting people down when I am hurt or upset.  The "funny" thing is the person I cut down the most is ME.  I am so quick to put myself down, to think everything is my fault. I have arguments with myself over my self worth, my parenting skills, my relationship skills.  I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.

I guess this leads in to the post below, and thinking about perspectives.  I know its not the best segue into the posting.  I am sure I started it and abandoned it because i didn't feel it was worth posting.  But it is still relevant.  And it makes me wonder how much progress I am making in my life. That a post I wrote a good 6 months ago is still relevant.  That I am still sitting here questioning the behaviors that initiated the post.

Life is all about perspective.

What's the reality for one person, might not be the reality for the other.  I guess it comes down to know your audience. 

My friends now 8yo son is battling cancer.  I feel guilty when I complain that my kids are being pains in the ass.  This is not a big deal.  My kids are fortunately healthy.  I am sure she would give anything to be in my shoes.  To have her 3 kids home together fighting, as long as they were all healthy.  But to me in that moment.. I think my god.. I can't deal with this anymore.  I know from following the updates that she feels that way about her sons cancer.  How can I complain about my life, when she has a son fighting for his. 

It's about perspective.  at that moment, that I am in it.. its the worst thing to me. 

I complain about not having money, that I am broke.  I hear a lot of others with the same gripe.  I am a single income family.  Trying to raise 3 kids, keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs.  As well as trying to still allow them to be kids and to get rewarded for things.  It's tough.  I hear people that are clearly not in the same boat as me complain that they are broke.  It's hard to sit and hear it.  It's hard when you have to make the decision over do I pay the gas bill or put food on the table this week.  I know there are people that are worse off than me.  I  have a good job. It pays well.  It's just hard being a one income family.  I know it's about perspective.  And that in that moment, you think  your problems are bigger than they really are. 

I try to keep my complaints in check.  I know there are people that would kill to have what I have.  Three healthy amazing children that love to fight with eachother and test their waters with me.  Enough money to be able to live in a  house and not in a car. 

Do I wish that I had more and didn't struggle.  yes. I do.  Everyday I wish that I had enough money to pay off my credit cards, or not have to charge them up more on basic necessities.  At the end of the day, I got myself in to this position and I need to figure out how to get myself out of it.

It's just hard when you work and struggle and then look around and hear complaints that others are broke.  I guess in their eyes and their minds, they are "broke".  And "broke" means different things to different people.  but it's the know your audience.  Understand that when you are saying you are broke, and that you mean you are broke because you can't afford the $100 throw pillows, as opposed to your debit card gets declined because your child support payment hasnt cleared and you can't afford to buy the $40 in groceries.  There's a fine line between "broke" and broke.  I am completely guilty of this.  As a good friend pointed out.  I do have a tendency to say I am broker than broke.  It is true, I am not. I have a bit (and an ever dwindling bit now) in stocks and 401ks. I was fortunate that  I did have the means to be able to cash in a 401k that I used to save my house from foreclosure.  I know some people don't even have that luxury.  While it sucked to have to do that, I was able to see a positive to cashing in a 401k.  I took the remaining money and paid down a good chunk of my credit cards.  Three of them are paid off and I am now well on the way to paying down the last one.  I am not using the credit cards like I had been, I am using my debit card now and making better choices.

So yes, I too need to learn to watch what I say and to know my audience.  My whole life I have spent never trying to hurt or offend anyone intentionally.  And you dont always realize what gets said, and especially in front of whom you are saying it.  I hadnt realized that in saying I couldn't afford something in front of someone that is struggling more than I am, hurt her.  I was meaning that while I could afford it (because really if you want something that bad, you figure out a way to get it) it was not something that was important enough for me to spend my limited funds on.  I tend to generalize.  So to me, spending a chunk of my limited funds was not something I was prepared to do, so I took the easy way out and said I was broke.  When I should have said it's not something that was worth it.  I do have to be better at choosing what I want to spend my money on, or I will end up back in the situation I was just in.

So in closing. I am trying to be more aware of what I say, and where I say it, and how I say it.  And in the heat of the moment, to try to count to 10 or 5 or 4 or even 1 before I say something that can never get taken back.

Diagnosis: Tourette's

Once again, my little family has been dealt a blow.  Again, I am trying to keep things in perspective.  The news we received was not "that bad", but it isn't "that great" either.

My amazing oldest son has been diagnosed with Tourette's.  Now before you go running for the hills and pulling your children away from him when you see him because you are afraid he will be shouting obscenities, he does not have the form of Tourette's that causes obscenity outbursts.  That form of Tourette's is actually a very small percentage.  It just seems to get the most headlines.  I mean what is more appealing?  To talk about a person with Tourettes that has uncontrollable obscenity laced outbursts, or the one where the person has uncontrollable facial ticks?  Obscenities are more "glamorous", so it's how the disorder is known.

Once again, it's a spectrum disorder, and there is no magic pill to cure it.  Griffin and the rest of us will have to learn coping and managing skills.  It seems that the ticks are more apparent when he is stressed out. I noticed he was ticking during the weeks leading up to the MCAS testing.  At that point, I was not sure what was going on, just that something didn't seem right.  I finally got an appointment with the psychiatrist and he was diagnosed with Tourette's.  I know he is capable of overcoming the obstacles that this will present.  I just wish that he didn't have to. Isn't it enough that he has Aspergers?  Now he has to deal with this on top of it.

I know it's not the end of the world.  He doesn't have a terminal illness.  It is just another thing that he will struggle with his entire life.  It is just another thing that makes him different from everyone else.  As he gets older and becomes more aware of the people around him, he will begin to notice.  He already knows that he doesn't always fit in.

I am sure Griffin is destined to do great things with his life.  I, as his mother wish that I could take away any pain and heartache he will encounter because of his conditions.   He is such a smart, sweet, funny, loving boy. I say that not because he is my child, but because he is.

I can only try to do my best to help him. I am not always good at it, I admit I feel like a failure sometimes when it comes to him.  My fuse is sometimes too short to deal with him, I sometimes lock myself in my room and have a pity party.  A why me...  but I guess that's selfish.  I am not the one that has to live in his body.  I am not the one fighting the inner demons.  I am not the one that has issues with impulse control.  The one that would get in trouble for not being able to control himself or his outburst in school. The one that was labeled a discipline problem, when he was doing things that are truly beyond his control.  He can sometimes manage the behavior but he can never quiet it completely.

So we will deal with this set back.  We will work on ways to cope and manage the condition.

I am glad that I  have a good support system.  I am thankful to the school for being right there, willing and able to help him manage his condition.  I am glad that I do not carry the "not my child" attitude.  I know something was not right.  I listened to what the teachers were telling me, even when they couldn't formally say things.  I credit Griffin's preschool teacher with being the first person to let me know that something was different.  It was Griffin's inability to interact with other kids, his inability to make friends, the stress that came with trying to transition to other activities, the tailspin he would set himself in when he didn't know what he was supposed to do next.  She met with me and put things in place to help him.  She taught him how to go up to other kids, to interact with them.  She put processes in place to help him learn to transition to other activities. She worked with him to come up with a plan so he would know what to expect next.  I am forever grateful to her.  She spent 2 hours 2 days a week with him, and she knew something wasn't quite right.  I first chalked it up to him being an only child.  Yes, he was around other kids, and he could be social, but he didn't know how to approach other kids.  The kids he came into contact with were what I call forced friends.  They were the kids of my friends.  I took out the hard part.  I brought the kids to him.  I look at him today, and at 11 he can make friends (which is hard for kids with Aspergers), he can be social (albeit, he is a bit socially awkward and always will be).  I see all that he has overcome so far in his 11 years, and I am amazed by his resilience.  I am proud to be his Mom.  I am often frustrated by him, but I am so proud of him.

If I could offer a bit of advice to any parent, it's listen to your instincts.  If you think something isn't quite right, then it is possible that it's not.  Listen to what the teachers are telling you.  They are not always allowed to come right out and say something, but in the way they ask questions, or the little things they tell you that make you go hmm...   I know that several of Griffin's teachers were telling me things that I did not immediately get.  I know they couldn't tell me straight out, but I put the pieces together finally.  And I look back to the way they approached me, the way they asked me questions.  I have to say that Braeden has benefited from what I have learned going through things with Griffin.  I noticed something seemed off with his behavior.  I brought it up to the teachers and they watched for it.  First chalking it up to his age, his gender, etc, but then realizing that there was more to the puzzle.  So now he is getting help for things.

So start the conversation.  If you have concerns about your child, talk to their teachers. They are the ones that are around your kids the most.  They spend a good chunk of time with them.  They see other kids and can draw a comparison.  They are an amazing resource.  And I feel forever grateful to the great teachers that Griffin had.  He did have a couple of not so great teachers, that chose not to believe or help him.  But to draw a positive from them, he learned that he had to deal with people that weren't always going to help him.  They have helped him learn some skills that will be invaluable to him in life.  So for that I thank them.

I know this is just a minor setback, and together we will make it over the hurdle.  Life keeps throwing us curve balls, but it's our ability to deal with them that makes us who we are.

Taking a step back...

I started writing a post a week or so ago.  It was pretty much a pity party for me.  My second son had been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  Most kids have one of the two forms of it, either external stimuli or internal stimuli.  My sweet son has both.  In a nutshell this means that he gets overwhelmed with external stimuli AND internal stimuli.  Someone that has external stimuli issues, can calm themselves through internal means, and vice versa.  My sweet baby has both.  This means, that he gets overstimulated from both.  So he gets it coming and going.  Life will be a challenge for him.  There is no cure for this, no magic pill, nothing.  It's a spectrum disorder, so severity levels are on an individual basis.  He will learn coping mechanisms.  Life will not be easy.  One minute he can be completely happy and then with the snap of a finger, meltdown central.  Fortunately, it has been caught early and is being addressed early.

Here is where the pity party comes in.  I spent a lot of time thinking why me?  Why do I now have TWO kids with special needs.  UGH.   Then I thought that somehow I caused this.  That is was my fault that the kids have issues, and they will struggle their entire life.  Because of ME.  No one knows the effects of the fertility drugs I took.  No one can clearly and confidently say it is or is not the cause of the ills that affect my children.  The same drugs I had to take to have my kids, might have caused them problems.

I then realized that I need to take a step back.  I need to stop with the pity party.  I need to take the focus off of myself and how hard this is for me, a single mom to 3 kids, 2 of which have special needs.  I need to look at it from another perspective.  My kids.  They are the ones that will struggle their entire lives.  They will be the ones that have to fight.  I have been told that they are just wired wrong.  They are the square pegs trying to fit in to the round hole.  They are the ones that will constantly struggle with trying to be "normal".  They will fight their entire lives with people that just don't understand them, people that will think they are just acting up. It's not like they can wear a sign that says they have special needs.  That tells people that some things just trigger a bad reaction.  That after they are tired or have been at something too long, they are more prone to act out.  That their reactions to stress are 10x more than your own.  That things you think are "no big deal", can send them in to a tail spin.  Their behaviors are sometimes uncontrollable.  They are fighting with an inner demon.  One they can only hope to quiet, but can never quite conquer.  Many times their inner battles is misconstrued as behavioral.  They are often told they have to control it, and sometimes they cannot.

But at least they are healthy.  And that is something I have to take comfort in.  We can control through therapies and special "Sensory diets".  They are healthy.

I realized in reading about some friends who have kids that are battling cancer, that my problems are nothing compared to theirs.  What gives me the right to complain or feel bad about my situation, when their kids are battling for their lives?

I know it's all about perspectives.  We take things for granted.  It goes down to the concept of know your audience.  I can sit here and feel sorry for myself for having two kids with special needs, but if I say this to the mother who has a child that is battling cancer, my problems pale in comparison to hers.  I am sure she would give anything to be in my shoes.   I can complain that I am broke, my house is on the verge of foreclosure, but if I say this to the person that has just lost their house, living in a shelter or their car, then I am sure they would give anything to be in my position.  Because yes, I am broke, and yes my house is thisclose to being foreclosed upon, but I am fortunate enough to have had a 401k that I could cash in, in an attempt to save it.  So am I broke, yes, in one respect, but I am not completely flat out.

I have been told that I have a negative attitude.  By many people.  And I fully admit.  I sometimes have a hard time seeing the glass as half full, heck, truth be told, I sometimes even have a hard time of seeing the glass as half empty, because that is even too optimistic.  I see the glass as shattered.  Beyond repair.

I don't give myself enough credit. I know this.  This is something I am trying to work on.  I have been in therapy for a few years now.  I am getting better, and I will continue to get better at this. It is hard.  It's easy to go to the negative.  It's a place I lived for so long.  It's my security blanket.  I go to this place because I know it.  I am familiar with it.  I can hide behind it.  If I start trying to stay positive, well that's kind of uncharted territory for me.  It's scary for me.  I know it sounds silly, but I lived my entire life this way.  I need to cut myself some slack too.  I fully admit, I am very hard on myself.  I have heard this numerous times and in numerous situations.  I am my own worst enemy.

I need to look at the positives:  we are a relatively healthy, happy family unit.  My kids have many people in their lives that love them.  I have many friends and family that love me.  I have a great job, I am trying to provide best I can for myself and my family.  I have been commended for how I handled my separation and divorce.  How I can have a great relationship with my ex and his new wife.  That I have managed to shield the kids from a lot of negatives regarding divorce.  I  have shown my kids that just because their parents are no longer together, we still love them very much.  And our divorce was no way a reflection on them.  We divorced to be better parents for them.  It sounds funny that we separated so that we could each be happy.  Happy parents make happy kids.  It makes me feel good when I hear from people that they hope to be able to handle their divorce with the same style and grace that I handled mine.  That I have been looked upon as a role model to them.  It makes me feel good.  To know that through an extremely tough time, I was able to stand tall, with my head held high.

And through it all, through the stress of possibly losing my house, and having to cash out a 401k that I worked for a good chunk of my life to have, I can see that once I get the house situation righted, I might have a little bit left to pay off one or maybe two of the credit cards, freeing up some money to save.

So there is a silver lining to this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I am strong.

And I do need to remind myself of these things.  I am truly blessed and truly fortunate.

G.A.C.

Yes.  That's me.  G.A.C.

What is G.A.C. you might ask..  Guilty As Charged.  I have an admission.  I have used this blog to admit a lot of  really and truly personal stuff.  I have seen the purpose of this blog to explore feelings and emotions that I was too afraid or ashamed to admit out loud.   I have always used this blog to try to get the core and the root of whom I am, and who I want to be.  I've put out there where I have been and where I am going.  I have listed my missteps (I almost wrote "mistakes", but I changed it, no mistakes.. no regrets...) and my successes.

This might be the hardest thing I have had to admit.  But I feel that I need to put it out there.  Put it in to the universe.  Throw it out, see what happens with it.  Once you admit to something, you can't take it back.  Once the words leave your lips, once your truth is out there, it cannot be stricken from the record.  It can't be taken back.  There is no erasing it.  It is there.  It exists.  For the world, for the universe to see.

Why put this out the there.  Why let this admission in to the universe?  Why should I go there?  Because I feel that admitting things, putting them in the the universe, putting them in print, on my blog, will help me to understand it.

I have been struggling with this for a while.  The thoughts that keep bubbling up to the surface.  The feelings that I keep trying to push down.  It just doesn't make any sense.  This can't be me.  Can it?  Have I secretly been holding this in?  Afraid to put it out in the universe.  Afraid for people to see the truth?  Does this admission change who I am?  How I am viewed by others?  I am sure some people will embrace it, and others will cast looks of disdain.  I am sure there will be whispers and how could she.  Is it true?

I have been struggling with it for a little bit now.  Not knowing where to go with it.  Not knowing how to process this feeling.

It's time to rip the bandaid off.  It's time to stand here, exposed.  It's time to admit to my faithful followers.  A realization.  After some soul searching.  I need to just take a deep breath.  And just let it go.  Put it out there.

Judge me as you will after the admittance.  But this is me.  This is who I am, or who I have become.

So here goes...

I

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COUNTRY MUSIC....


Phew..  That wasn't so bad.  But it's hard.  I got a new radio in my car, and it had a country station preprogrammed.  I have been flipping through the stations and find myself stopping more often than not.  I am particularly liking Keith Urban.  His songs are really deep and beautiful, and he isn't bad to look at.

I particularly blame this song:




He has an amazing voice, and songs that are pretty deep.  So I guess I am now "in to" Country?  I don't know.  I have always prided myself liking all types of music, but Country was an exception that I could never get my head around.  Ok, so I did listen to Kenny Rogers growing up, listening to him in our van on Sunday drives.  Singing along with my parents.  Kenny will always hold a special place in my heart.  He will always bring back fun happy memories of my childhood.  I liked Randy Travis too.  But I was never in to country.  It was never my thing.  But now.  It seems I am starting to gravitate towards it.

Judge as you want.  I won't make apologizes or hide from it.  I am going to embrace it.  I may even buy a bandana and a cowboy hat.  :)

Practice makes...

I know the old saying goes... Practice makes perfect...  This is a saying I try to avoid like the plague in my house.  We say.. Practice makes better.  As a parent of a child that has Aspergers life for him can and will never be perfect.  Part of having Aspergers is that in his mind he sees things one way, but can't always translate that to paper.  This was a source of much frustration.  Everyone would tell him that practice makes perfect.  The idea of being perfect to him is black and white.  You either ARE perfect or you're not.  So that means you are either good or you're not.  Kids with Aspergers tend to have perfectionist tendencies.  You might never know it because they live their lives in a constant state of flux.  They are constantly doing an internal battle.  Telling them to be perfect will set them in to a tailspin.  Asperger kids and adults lack the knack to be organized.  I often wondered why my sons desk at school was a giant mess of papers, he could never find anything and was constantly getting in trouble from teachers for this.  His therapist one day said, you see how his desk is, just a heap of papers and information thrown about?  Yes I replied, thinking where is she going with this, this is part of the problem, he can't keep a clean desk.  She gently said, picture that mess, but in your brain.  Picture everything you have ever learned in your life, not organized in any fashion.  Just a heap of information piled all around, floating around.  "Normal" people can organize thoughts, they can compartmentalize what is the relevant information they need from what is useless.  Asperger kids can't do this.  They can learn to trick themselves in to it, but it's not natural for them.  It can be why they obsess over one certain thing.  My son had a love of all things Godzilla, he knew every single Godzilla character, who made the  toys, what movies there were, he collected all the movies, a ton of toys, and countless facts.  Obsessing over one thing, they have control over that thing.  To them ALL the information about a favorite subject of theirs is useful.  There is no need to sort and organize and file it away for a different time.  ALL the information is useful.

I was thinking about this in terms of my home too.  I don't have a perfect home.  I never will.  My furniture is old and falling apart, the walls still have crayon drawing remnants on them.  Sticker art graces the walls where my kids thought we needed a pop of color.  The rugs are screaming to be replaced as they are all stained with 11 years of living.  Half of my windows don't have curtains, the blinds have been ripped by the cats.  My room is strewn with clothes, both clean and dirty.  There is too much dust on the entertainment center, the windows need a good cleaning.  There are too many toys floating around everywhere.  I could never win any awards for my decorating style.

With all this though, I know my kids are happy and healthy.  They aren't the ones that are complaining about toys strewn about, no curtains on the windows.  None of this bothers them.  They don't need to live in the perfect house.  They are happy to be in a house that is filled with love.  The one that when you enter it, you immediately know kids live there.  I guess we have cornered the "lived in" look.

Somedays I wish I lived in a McMansion.  I wish I had the means to buy new furniture, fix the back door that is in desperate need of being replaced.  Buy curtains for every room of the house, paint the walls, get a new carpet.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a single mom to 3 kids, that I am living on one income and that I guess I would much rather live where I live the life we have, enjoy the small things we can than have a new couch or new window treatments.

I admit I need to get better at the house upkeep.  I need to not feel so overwhelmed when I walk through the door.  I need to learn to purge some of the toys and the mess.  I need to prioritize what is most important in the upkeep.  Is it the new back door, new carpets, paint the walls, new furniture?  If I sit and think about it I would say the door needs to be replaced first before I can get new carpet, because this defeats the purpose, and maybe before new carpet/flooring, the room could be painted.  Then comes the new furniture.

I tell the kids all the time that I want to live in a grown up house.  I don't want the toys invading all my space all the time.

Someday we will get there.  For now we need to take it one day at a time..  and I need to always remember that practice makes better.. not perfect.  No one should have to live up to the thought that things need to be perfect.  To me, perfect is unattainable,  perfect is something that no one can ever be.  because the minute you get to where you think things are perfect, there is something that throws a wrench into that plan.  There is no perfect life, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect child, there is no perfect relationship (altho don't tell my guy that....).

And what is perfect anyway?  I see people that act like they have the perfect life.  They portray that everything is perfect to people looking in from the outside.  The wrapping is perfect, but at the end of the day, what lurks inside this perfect package is broken.  It's a big old mess.  I often wonder why people do this?  Why portray that things are perfect?  Is it done so that these people can feel superior to you? They get pride in making others feel inferior?  Are they secretly jealous of your life.  Of the love they can see.  The love that comes from stickered walls, dirty faced kids, handprints on the windows, Popsicle wrappers strewn about.  I lived the life where people thought I had the perfect relationship.  The husband that adored me, the freedom to go out when I wanted to, the respect of a partner.  What was never shown were the cracks that were on the inside.  The cracks that became valleys, that became too big to overcome.  When the marriage ended, it was a shock, because no one saw the cracks.  They saw what I wanted them to see.  They say the vase that Brady kids had glued back together.  If they had stayed around a bit longer they would have noticed, that once the water was put into the vase, the cracks were evident. My advice is to let go of the image of perfect.  Let people see the real story.  The world would be a much better place if we all stopped pretending we were something we aren't..  If we stopped trying to be perfect, and aimed to be better.

I have enough internal struggle trying to be better than I am today, I can't put that much stress on me or my kids to be perfect.

I know this post is kind of all over the place (that's right people.. its not.. wait for it.. PERFECT...) .  it's a lot like me though..  sometimes makes sense.. sometimes, not so much.