Yes. That's me. G.A.C.
What is G.A.C. you might ask.. Guilty As Charged. I have an admission. I have used this blog to admit a lot of really and truly personal stuff. I have seen the purpose of this blog to explore feelings and emotions that I was too afraid or ashamed to admit out loud. I have always used this blog to try to get the core and the root of whom I am, and who I want to be. I've put out there where I have been and where I am going. I have listed my missteps (I almost wrote "mistakes", but I changed it, no mistakes.. no regrets...) and my successes.
This might be the hardest thing I have had to admit. But I feel that I need to put it out there. Put it in to the universe. Throw it out, see what happens with it. Once you admit to something, you can't take it back. Once the words leave your lips, once your truth is out there, it cannot be stricken from the record. It can't be taken back. There is no erasing it. It is there. It exists. For the world, for the universe to see.
Why put this out the there. Why let this admission in to the universe? Why should I go there? Because I feel that admitting things, putting them in the the universe, putting them in print, on my blog, will help me to understand it.
I have been struggling with this for a while. The thoughts that keep bubbling up to the surface. The feelings that I keep trying to push down. It just doesn't make any sense. This can't be me. Can it? Have I secretly been holding this in? Afraid to put it out in the universe. Afraid for people to see the truth? Does this admission change who I am? How I am viewed by others? I am sure some people will embrace it, and others will cast looks of disdain. I am sure there will be whispers and how could she. Is it true?
I have been struggling with it for a little bit now. Not knowing where to go with it. Not knowing how to process this feeling.
It's time to rip the bandaid off. It's time to stand here, exposed. It's time to admit to my faithful followers. A realization. After some soul searching. I need to just take a deep breath. And just let it go. Put it out there.
Judge me as you will after the admittance. But this is me. This is who I am, or who I have become.
So here goes...
I
Like
COUNTRY MUSIC....
Phew.. That wasn't so bad. But it's hard. I got a new radio in my car, and it had a country station preprogrammed. I have been flipping through the stations and find myself stopping more often than not. I am particularly liking Keith Urban. His songs are really deep and beautiful, and he isn't bad to look at.
I particularly blame this song:
He has an amazing voice, and songs that are pretty deep. So I guess I am now "in to" Country? I don't know. I have always prided myself liking all types of music, but Country was an exception that I could never get my head around. Ok, so I did listen to Kenny Rogers growing up, listening to him in our van on Sunday drives. Singing along with my parents. Kenny will always hold a special place in my heart. He will always bring back fun happy memories of my childhood. I liked Randy Travis too. But I was never in to country. It was never my thing. But now. It seems I am starting to gravitate towards it.
Judge as you want. I won't make apologizes or hide from it. I am going to embrace it. I may even buy a bandana and a cowboy hat. :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Practice makes...
I know the old saying goes... Practice makes perfect... This is a saying I try to avoid like the plague in my house. We say.. Practice makes better. As a parent of a child that has Aspergers life for him can and will never be perfect. Part of having Aspergers is that in his mind he sees things one way, but can't always translate that to paper. This was a source of much frustration. Everyone would tell him that practice makes perfect. The idea of being perfect to him is black and white. You either ARE perfect or you're not. So that means you are either good or you're not. Kids with Aspergers tend to have perfectionist tendencies. You might never know it because they live their lives in a constant state of flux. They are constantly doing an internal battle. Telling them to be perfect will set them in to a tailspin. Asperger kids and adults lack the knack to be organized. I often wondered why my sons desk at school was a giant mess of papers, he could never find anything and was constantly getting in trouble from teachers for this. His therapist one day said, you see how his desk is, just a heap of papers and information thrown about? Yes I replied, thinking where is she going with this, this is part of the problem, he can't keep a clean desk. She gently said, picture that mess, but in your brain. Picture everything you have ever learned in your life, not organized in any fashion. Just a heap of information piled all around, floating around. "Normal" people can organize thoughts, they can compartmentalize what is the relevant information they need from what is useless. Asperger kids can't do this. They can learn to trick themselves in to it, but it's not natural for them. It can be why they obsess over one certain thing. My son had a love of all things Godzilla, he knew every single Godzilla character, who made the toys, what movies there were, he collected all the movies, a ton of toys, and countless facts. Obsessing over one thing, they have control over that thing. To them ALL the information about a favorite subject of theirs is useful. There is no need to sort and organize and file it away for a different time. ALL the information is useful.
I was thinking about this in terms of my home too. I don't have a perfect home. I never will. My furniture is old and falling apart, the walls still have crayon drawing remnants on them. Sticker art graces the walls where my kids thought we needed a pop of color. The rugs are screaming to be replaced as they are all stained with 11 years of living. Half of my windows don't have curtains, the blinds have been ripped by the cats. My room is strewn with clothes, both clean and dirty. There is too much dust on the entertainment center, the windows need a good cleaning. There are too many toys floating around everywhere. I could never win any awards for my decorating style.
With all this though, I know my kids are happy and healthy. They aren't the ones that are complaining about toys strewn about, no curtains on the windows. None of this bothers them. They don't need to live in the perfect house. They are happy to be in a house that is filled with love. The one that when you enter it, you immediately know kids live there. I guess we have cornered the "lived in" look.
Somedays I wish I lived in a McMansion. I wish I had the means to buy new furniture, fix the back door that is in desperate need of being replaced. Buy curtains for every room of the house, paint the walls, get a new carpet. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a single mom to 3 kids, that I am living on one income and that I guess I would much rather live where I live the life we have, enjoy the small things we can than have a new couch or new window treatments.
I admit I need to get better at the house upkeep. I need to not feel so overwhelmed when I walk through the door. I need to learn to purge some of the toys and the mess. I need to prioritize what is most important in the upkeep. Is it the new back door, new carpets, paint the walls, new furniture? If I sit and think about it I would say the door needs to be replaced first before I can get new carpet, because this defeats the purpose, and maybe before new carpet/flooring, the room could be painted. Then comes the new furniture.
I tell the kids all the time that I want to live in a grown up house. I don't want the toys invading all my space all the time.
Someday we will get there. For now we need to take it one day at a time.. and I need to always remember that practice makes better.. not perfect. No one should have to live up to the thought that things need to be perfect. To me, perfect is unattainable, perfect is something that no one can ever be. because the minute you get to where you think things are perfect, there is something that throws a wrench into that plan. There is no perfect life, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect child, there is no perfect relationship (altho don't tell my guy that....).
And what is perfect anyway? I see people that act like they have the perfect life. They portray that everything is perfect to people looking in from the outside. The wrapping is perfect, but at the end of the day, what lurks inside this perfect package is broken. It's a big old mess. I often wonder why people do this? Why portray that things are perfect? Is it done so that these people can feel superior to you? They get pride in making others feel inferior? Are they secretly jealous of your life. Of the love they can see. The love that comes from stickered walls, dirty faced kids, handprints on the windows, Popsicle wrappers strewn about. I lived the life where people thought I had the perfect relationship. The husband that adored me, the freedom to go out when I wanted to, the respect of a partner. What was never shown were the cracks that were on the inside. The cracks that became valleys, that became too big to overcome. When the marriage ended, it was a shock, because no one saw the cracks. They saw what I wanted them to see. They say the vase that Brady kids had glued back together. If they had stayed around a bit longer they would have noticed, that once the water was put into the vase, the cracks were evident. My advice is to let go of the image of perfect. Let people see the real story. The world would be a much better place if we all stopped pretending we were something we aren't.. If we stopped trying to be perfect, and aimed to be better.
I have enough internal struggle trying to be better than I am today, I can't put that much stress on me or my kids to be perfect.
I know this post is kind of all over the place (that's right people.. its not.. wait for it.. PERFECT...) . it's a lot like me though.. sometimes makes sense.. sometimes, not so much.
I was thinking about this in terms of my home too. I don't have a perfect home. I never will. My furniture is old and falling apart, the walls still have crayon drawing remnants on them. Sticker art graces the walls where my kids thought we needed a pop of color. The rugs are screaming to be replaced as they are all stained with 11 years of living. Half of my windows don't have curtains, the blinds have been ripped by the cats. My room is strewn with clothes, both clean and dirty. There is too much dust on the entertainment center, the windows need a good cleaning. There are too many toys floating around everywhere. I could never win any awards for my decorating style.
With all this though, I know my kids are happy and healthy. They aren't the ones that are complaining about toys strewn about, no curtains on the windows. None of this bothers them. They don't need to live in the perfect house. They are happy to be in a house that is filled with love. The one that when you enter it, you immediately know kids live there. I guess we have cornered the "lived in" look.
Somedays I wish I lived in a McMansion. I wish I had the means to buy new furniture, fix the back door that is in desperate need of being replaced. Buy curtains for every room of the house, paint the walls, get a new carpet. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a single mom to 3 kids, that I am living on one income and that I guess I would much rather live where I live the life we have, enjoy the small things we can than have a new couch or new window treatments.
I admit I need to get better at the house upkeep. I need to not feel so overwhelmed when I walk through the door. I need to learn to purge some of the toys and the mess. I need to prioritize what is most important in the upkeep. Is it the new back door, new carpets, paint the walls, new furniture? If I sit and think about it I would say the door needs to be replaced first before I can get new carpet, because this defeats the purpose, and maybe before new carpet/flooring, the room could be painted. Then comes the new furniture.
I tell the kids all the time that I want to live in a grown up house. I don't want the toys invading all my space all the time.
Someday we will get there. For now we need to take it one day at a time.. and I need to always remember that practice makes better.. not perfect. No one should have to live up to the thought that things need to be perfect. To me, perfect is unattainable, perfect is something that no one can ever be. because the minute you get to where you think things are perfect, there is something that throws a wrench into that plan. There is no perfect life, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect child, there is no perfect relationship (altho don't tell my guy that....).
And what is perfect anyway? I see people that act like they have the perfect life. They portray that everything is perfect to people looking in from the outside. The wrapping is perfect, but at the end of the day, what lurks inside this perfect package is broken. It's a big old mess. I often wonder why people do this? Why portray that things are perfect? Is it done so that these people can feel superior to you? They get pride in making others feel inferior? Are they secretly jealous of your life. Of the love they can see. The love that comes from stickered walls, dirty faced kids, handprints on the windows, Popsicle wrappers strewn about. I lived the life where people thought I had the perfect relationship. The husband that adored me, the freedom to go out when I wanted to, the respect of a partner. What was never shown were the cracks that were on the inside. The cracks that became valleys, that became too big to overcome. When the marriage ended, it was a shock, because no one saw the cracks. They saw what I wanted them to see. They say the vase that Brady kids had glued back together. If they had stayed around a bit longer they would have noticed, that once the water was put into the vase, the cracks were evident. My advice is to let go of the image of perfect. Let people see the real story. The world would be a much better place if we all stopped pretending we were something we aren't.. If we stopped trying to be perfect, and aimed to be better.
I have enough internal struggle trying to be better than I am today, I can't put that much stress on me or my kids to be perfect.
I know this post is kind of all over the place (that's right people.. its not.. wait for it.. PERFECT...) . it's a lot like me though.. sometimes makes sense.. sometimes, not so much.
Friday, April 22, 2011
My miracles...
I am a few days late in posting this... but my "babies" turned 6 on Tuesday. 6 years have gone in the blink of an eye. I still can't believe it. I can fully remember clear as day being pregnant with the twins. I can actually back this up even further...
My twins... my miracles... my journey to have you begin when your brother turned 3. Your father and I decided we would pursue having another child. We started on the fertility road again. A road that I thought was going to be a cake walk. I mean, we knew what worked to have your brother, so it should be a breeze. Boy was I wrong. After months and months of shots and stopped cycles, I got the call that I had not been prepared for. I had to move to IVF. I remember crumpling into a heap on the floor crying. The fertility doctor telling me the news, apologizing profusely because I was such a nice lady and he was sorry that he could no longer help me in my quest for a child. I would need to start over at a new facility. We had started back down this road in February, it was now November and I was no closer to having a child. I look back and am not sure why I took the news that I would have to do IVF as such a death sentence. it wasnt like he uttered the words that I would NEVER have another child. I guess I was in shock that my body had betrayed me and gone further down on the conception scale. This would mean harder more intense procedures.
I booked my appt with the new center, I couldnt get in until January. UGH. 2 more months to wait. But then again, I had been going on this road for 9 months, what's two more to wait. Well this was just the initial consultation. Once I started on the path of the drugs and the retrievals. Well the clock starts ticking again. Your brother turned 4. Our quest was still ongoing.
I was put through a whole host of tests again, I was poked and prodded by everyone and anyone that was walking down the hall at the time. I learned to give myself shots and was subjected to shots twice a day at times. I went through 2 IVF transfers, only to have them fail. The 3rd try was the charm. This time I had 3 really good embryos, and a bunch more to be frozen. The decision was made to put back 3 embryos using assisted hatch. I know it was risky, the thought of triplets. Yikes. But I decided to throw caution to the wind. The transfer took place on August 14th. 7 months after my initial consult. And 1.5 years since we had gone back to try again.
I remember waiting the 2 weeks for the blood test. I remember wiping myself raw checking for blood in that time frame. This was always a dead give away that I wasnt pregnant. I always knew once the bleeding started. So I remember clearly the day I went in for blood work. They said they would call with results. This is one of the longest days of your life. Waiting and waiting all day. As I waited I wiped and wiped. The hours ticked on 12. 1. 2. 3. I was practically in tears when no call by 3. UGH. This could NOT be good news. Finally before I was ready to leave the office, I got the call. Congrats! It's positive. and the number is HIGH. This means it is most likely multiples. UGH.. Multiples? REALLY? I went in to make sure the number doubled. Oh it did. It skyrocketed. Then there was the ultrasound to confirm.
I recall the tech saying. Oh there are 2. But one of their heartbeats was weak. I had to come back in a few days to watch and see if both would be viable.
It was a scary time. Waiting. I went back and both heartbeats were strong. I was pregnant. With twins. And so my journey began.
I had a great pregnancy. I looked fantastic, I felt fantastic. I had two little beings growing inside of me. I was deemed high risk so I went weekly to the doctor, and at 28 weeks I was pulled from work. It was nice to have the time with your brother before you were born. We spent a lot of time going to our favorite store. Target.
I spent every monday at the hospital having an NST done. Miss Ava you were always the little dickens. You would kick your brother something fierce. I always said to the nurses, oh she's a spitfire that one. And you sure are. You are definitely sassy. Braeden was always my laid back and content one. He just took whatever it was that Ava gave him. Like he still does today.
In the mean time your brother turned 5.
I cant believe it has been 6 years. I remember the Csection and the doctor delivering you both. I was in the hospital because my blood pressure had sky rocketed. I had a scheduled Csection for the next week. The doctor came to check me and said I was a time bomb. He needed to take the babies NOW. Within the hour you were born. I was in a panic because your father was on his way to the hospital. I had no way of reaching him. Would he make it to witness the birth?
Braeden came out screaming, Ava in true Diva form had to give everyone a run for their money, and came out not making much of a sound. I panicked that something was wrong. But then I heard it. The sounds of my two babies crying.
I loved you from the moment I saw the picture of you as embryos. I was so happy when I learned I was having twins. I had your names picked out before I even knew you were boy-girl twins. You have been loved from the beginning.
My sweet Braeden, you have your struggles with your sensory issues, but I am so proud of you. You are my saving grace. You melt my heart with your big freckles and infectious smile. You are my truly sweet sensitive boy. You give me the biggest hugs and love to snuggle with me.
My beautiful Ava. My gorgeous daughter. You are so smart and full of life. You know what you want and are not afraid to take it. I hope this spunk continues throughout your life. You are definitely not a shrinking violet. You have an opinion and you let everyone know it. You are a force to be reckoned with.
Mommy loves you both so much. I look at you and hear your laughter and no matter what stress I am feeling, I melt. Nothing else matters but the love that we have for eachother.
I know the past few years have not been easy. Our family has gone through many changes, you were little when it all happened. I have felt guilty for disrupting your little lives. For creating all the changes and the strife. But I am proud to say that we have gotten through the hump together. I will not and cannot say that there will not be other times of struggles in our future, but I know I am giving you the tools and the love to get through anything. Together we can do whatever needs to get done.
My babies... 6 years old.... You kids are my love and my life. My little miracles. I never thought I could have enough love for 3 kids, but I do. I have more love for all of you than you can ever know.
My twins... my miracles... my journey to have you begin when your brother turned 3. Your father and I decided we would pursue having another child. We started on the fertility road again. A road that I thought was going to be a cake walk. I mean, we knew what worked to have your brother, so it should be a breeze. Boy was I wrong. After months and months of shots and stopped cycles, I got the call that I had not been prepared for. I had to move to IVF. I remember crumpling into a heap on the floor crying. The fertility doctor telling me the news, apologizing profusely because I was such a nice lady and he was sorry that he could no longer help me in my quest for a child. I would need to start over at a new facility. We had started back down this road in February, it was now November and I was no closer to having a child. I look back and am not sure why I took the news that I would have to do IVF as such a death sentence. it wasnt like he uttered the words that I would NEVER have another child. I guess I was in shock that my body had betrayed me and gone further down on the conception scale. This would mean harder more intense procedures.
I booked my appt with the new center, I couldnt get in until January. UGH. 2 more months to wait. But then again, I had been going on this road for 9 months, what's two more to wait. Well this was just the initial consultation. Once I started on the path of the drugs and the retrievals. Well the clock starts ticking again. Your brother turned 4. Our quest was still ongoing.
I was put through a whole host of tests again, I was poked and prodded by everyone and anyone that was walking down the hall at the time. I learned to give myself shots and was subjected to shots twice a day at times. I went through 2 IVF transfers, only to have them fail. The 3rd try was the charm. This time I had 3 really good embryos, and a bunch more to be frozen. The decision was made to put back 3 embryos using assisted hatch. I know it was risky, the thought of triplets. Yikes. But I decided to throw caution to the wind. The transfer took place on August 14th. 7 months after my initial consult. And 1.5 years since we had gone back to try again.
I remember waiting the 2 weeks for the blood test. I remember wiping myself raw checking for blood in that time frame. This was always a dead give away that I wasnt pregnant. I always knew once the bleeding started. So I remember clearly the day I went in for blood work. They said they would call with results. This is one of the longest days of your life. Waiting and waiting all day. As I waited I wiped and wiped. The hours ticked on 12. 1. 2. 3. I was practically in tears when no call by 3. UGH. This could NOT be good news. Finally before I was ready to leave the office, I got the call. Congrats! It's positive. and the number is HIGH. This means it is most likely multiples. UGH.. Multiples? REALLY? I went in to make sure the number doubled. Oh it did. It skyrocketed. Then there was the ultrasound to confirm.
I recall the tech saying. Oh there are 2. But one of their heartbeats was weak. I had to come back in a few days to watch and see if both would be viable.
It was a scary time. Waiting. I went back and both heartbeats were strong. I was pregnant. With twins. And so my journey began.
I had a great pregnancy. I looked fantastic, I felt fantastic. I had two little beings growing inside of me. I was deemed high risk so I went weekly to the doctor, and at 28 weeks I was pulled from work. It was nice to have the time with your brother before you were born. We spent a lot of time going to our favorite store. Target.
I spent every monday at the hospital having an NST done. Miss Ava you were always the little dickens. You would kick your brother something fierce. I always said to the nurses, oh she's a spitfire that one. And you sure are. You are definitely sassy. Braeden was always my laid back and content one. He just took whatever it was that Ava gave him. Like he still does today.
In the mean time your brother turned 5.
I cant believe it has been 6 years. I remember the Csection and the doctor delivering you both. I was in the hospital because my blood pressure had sky rocketed. I had a scheduled Csection for the next week. The doctor came to check me and said I was a time bomb. He needed to take the babies NOW. Within the hour you were born. I was in a panic because your father was on his way to the hospital. I had no way of reaching him. Would he make it to witness the birth?
Braeden came out screaming, Ava in true Diva form had to give everyone a run for their money, and came out not making much of a sound. I panicked that something was wrong. But then I heard it. The sounds of my two babies crying.
I loved you from the moment I saw the picture of you as embryos. I was so happy when I learned I was having twins. I had your names picked out before I even knew you were boy-girl twins. You have been loved from the beginning.
My sweet Braeden, you have your struggles with your sensory issues, but I am so proud of you. You are my saving grace. You melt my heart with your big freckles and infectious smile. You are my truly sweet sensitive boy. You give me the biggest hugs and love to snuggle with me.
My beautiful Ava. My gorgeous daughter. You are so smart and full of life. You know what you want and are not afraid to take it. I hope this spunk continues throughout your life. You are definitely not a shrinking violet. You have an opinion and you let everyone know it. You are a force to be reckoned with.
Mommy loves you both so much. I look at you and hear your laughter and no matter what stress I am feeling, I melt. Nothing else matters but the love that we have for eachother.
I know the past few years have not been easy. Our family has gone through many changes, you were little when it all happened. I have felt guilty for disrupting your little lives. For creating all the changes and the strife. But I am proud to say that we have gotten through the hump together. I will not and cannot say that there will not be other times of struggles in our future, but I know I am giving you the tools and the love to get through anything. Together we can do whatever needs to get done.
My babies... 6 years old.... You kids are my love and my life. My little miracles. I never thought I could have enough love for 3 kids, but I do. I have more love for all of you than you can ever know.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Passing the torch...
This weekend I did something that I know very few can fathom. I stood witness to my ex husband getting married. I was one of the few people invited to the wedding. Yes, I was there for the kids sake, but I was actually invited to the ceremony, not just invited to bring the kids to it.
It was a very simple ceremony and it was really lovely. It was weird to stand there and watch someone pledge to someone else, what they once pledged to you.
I have always prided myself on being able to put the needs of my kids before my own needs and feelings. My marriage ended, and while I was never bitter from it, I was severely damaged by it. It was a lot to go through, and I am still going through it. I still feel the aftershocks of the earthquake. Yes, the earthquaked happened almost 4 years ago now, but still, the aftershocks still have an affect on me.
My ex and I have a great relationship. We have managed to do what so many cannot do, we have maintained a civil and loving relationship for the true benefit of the kids.
It was really hard to go through the separation and divorce and watch the kids suffer for it. There were definitely times when I didn't think any of us would make it out alive.
But we did. And we did it together. All of us. Both my ex and I. We made sure to handle the situation as civil as we could. Neither of us believed in belittling the the other one. We always treated each other with the utmost respect.
Our marriage didn't work out. We were not destined to have the fairytale ending. Our series had a finale. We were not ones to go the complete distance. We did the half marathon. If was all that was written in our story. Our book was only supposed to have the set amount of chapters. Our story had a beginning, a middle and an end.
I was glad to be able to go and stand there and witness my ex, the father of my children, marry someone that is probably better suited for him. To watch him start the new book of his life. This book will have some of the same characters, but it goes in a completely different direction.
I was so proud to stand there and watch our three kids be able to participate in this special day with their dad. They were so grown up and I was able to look on and watch with love. To see how much love my ex has for our kids, and to see how much love my kids have for him and their new stepmother.
Saturday I officially passed on the torch of Mrs. Roberts. I am no longer Mrs. Roberts. My turn at playing Mrs. Roberts has ended. It's anothers turn. I wish my ex and his new wife a world of happiness. I can only hope that they will go the distance, and that the kids will know only happiness when it comes this marriage.
I want the kids to see positive strong adult relationships. I want them to see what a happy solid marriage looks like. I never want them to view marriage and relationships in a negative way. I have taken great pains to avoid that. I have taken great pains to not have them be witness to the negativity. When I would be upset or hurt about the demise of my marriage, I never let the kids see that. I never once talked poorly about their father. I never want them to ever think anything but good positive thoughts about their father and his new wife.
My family is now considered non traditional. My kids have a mother and father, yes, that's traditional, but now they have a few extra people thrown in to the mix. When they question what life will have in store, how this new person fits in, I tell them that there are more people to love them. And being loved by a lot of people, that is a great thing.
Life is hard. The kids have learned this lesson at a young age. You try your best to protect them from harm. I carry guilt for inflicting a lot of the harm on them, but at the end of the day, I know that I have tried to do my best for them. To keep them safe, to love them, to protect them to the best of my ability. I could have easily stayed for the sake of the kids. I chose to go for the sake of the kids. and in the end, that was the best decision for all of us. We could have stayed together and tried to pretend, but I think had we attempted that, then the outcome would have been different. There might have been less civility. There might have been resentment. There might have been fighting and disrespect. There might have been nasty comments made, and put downs. There might have been so much tension you could cut it with a knife. Silence that was so loud its deafening. Before any of that had a chance to happen, we parted ways. We continued to move the ball forward and get in a better position. A position that would benefit and help shape the lives of our kids. Some things aren't worth saving, some things need to be ended in order for new and better things to begin.
And this is where I am today. New and better things are in store for me. The torch is officially passed.
In closing I wish my ex and his new wife, a lifetime of love and happiness.
Here are some pictures from the wedding.
It was a very simple ceremony and it was really lovely. It was weird to stand there and watch someone pledge to someone else, what they once pledged to you.
I have always prided myself on being able to put the needs of my kids before my own needs and feelings. My marriage ended, and while I was never bitter from it, I was severely damaged by it. It was a lot to go through, and I am still going through it. I still feel the aftershocks of the earthquake. Yes, the earthquaked happened almost 4 years ago now, but still, the aftershocks still have an affect on me.
My ex and I have a great relationship. We have managed to do what so many cannot do, we have maintained a civil and loving relationship for the true benefit of the kids.
It was really hard to go through the separation and divorce and watch the kids suffer for it. There were definitely times when I didn't think any of us would make it out alive.
But we did. And we did it together. All of us. Both my ex and I. We made sure to handle the situation as civil as we could. Neither of us believed in belittling the the other one. We always treated each other with the utmost respect.
Our marriage didn't work out. We were not destined to have the fairytale ending. Our series had a finale. We were not ones to go the complete distance. We did the half marathon. If was all that was written in our story. Our book was only supposed to have the set amount of chapters. Our story had a beginning, a middle and an end.
I was glad to be able to go and stand there and witness my ex, the father of my children, marry someone that is probably better suited for him. To watch him start the new book of his life. This book will have some of the same characters, but it goes in a completely different direction.
I was so proud to stand there and watch our three kids be able to participate in this special day with their dad. They were so grown up and I was able to look on and watch with love. To see how much love my ex has for our kids, and to see how much love my kids have for him and their new stepmother.
Saturday I officially passed on the torch of Mrs. Roberts. I am no longer Mrs. Roberts. My turn at playing Mrs. Roberts has ended. It's anothers turn. I wish my ex and his new wife a world of happiness. I can only hope that they will go the distance, and that the kids will know only happiness when it comes this marriage.
I want the kids to see positive strong adult relationships. I want them to see what a happy solid marriage looks like. I never want them to view marriage and relationships in a negative way. I have taken great pains to avoid that. I have taken great pains to not have them be witness to the negativity. When I would be upset or hurt about the demise of my marriage, I never let the kids see that. I never once talked poorly about their father. I never want them to ever think anything but good positive thoughts about their father and his new wife.
My family is now considered non traditional. My kids have a mother and father, yes, that's traditional, but now they have a few extra people thrown in to the mix. When they question what life will have in store, how this new person fits in, I tell them that there are more people to love them. And being loved by a lot of people, that is a great thing.
Life is hard. The kids have learned this lesson at a young age. You try your best to protect them from harm. I carry guilt for inflicting a lot of the harm on them, but at the end of the day, I know that I have tried to do my best for them. To keep them safe, to love them, to protect them to the best of my ability. I could have easily stayed for the sake of the kids. I chose to go for the sake of the kids. and in the end, that was the best decision for all of us. We could have stayed together and tried to pretend, but I think had we attempted that, then the outcome would have been different. There might have been less civility. There might have been resentment. There might have been fighting and disrespect. There might have been nasty comments made, and put downs. There might have been so much tension you could cut it with a knife. Silence that was so loud its deafening. Before any of that had a chance to happen, we parted ways. We continued to move the ball forward and get in a better position. A position that would benefit and help shape the lives of our kids. Some things aren't worth saving, some things need to be ended in order for new and better things to begin.
And this is where I am today. New and better things are in store for me. The torch is officially passed.
In closing I wish my ex and his new wife, a lifetime of love and happiness.
Here are some pictures from the wedding.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Back in the day....
I stumbled upon a CD of mixed songs from "back in the day"... Well I had no choice but to "stumble" on them, as the radio in my car is on the fritz... (sad sad sad...)
I have spent the better part of the day reminiscing through these songs and the songs of my youth. I have been reliving my life through these songs. It's pretty amazing how a song can bring you back to some place. It amazes me how music can really move you.
I have been thinking back to my highschool days. All the fun I had with my friends. What is truly mind blowing is that I am friends with this same group today. The fact that our friendship has stood the test of time. It really is something.
I can see these girls and we can still laugh and engage the same way that we did back 20 years ago. I wonder how many people can say that?
These are the girls that have been with me through thick and thin. They are the ones that stood next to me and held me up when I was down. They are the ones that laughed and cried with me. They did this for me 20+ years ago, and they are still doing it today.
They are the same group of girls that stood with me and cried when I cried at the death of my Nana. They are the ones that were there to pick up the pieces of my failed relationships. The crushes in High school to the demise of my marriage. They have stood there and been side by side with me through it all.
Whenever a call is made that one of us is in trouble or needs something, we all come running. No matter what is going on in our own lives, we make the time to be present when one of us needs the other.
I am truly blessed. I am so blessed that I have the memories with these girls and more importantly that I continue to make memories with them.
We still all bring something unique to the table. We still have our own opinions and thoughts and ideas. We are all still unique individuals.
I am proud to have had these girls there celebrating my marriage and then subsequently my divorce.
It's a testament to our bond. I am not sure how many people can truly say they have had friends for a good 20 years. Someone they can call or chat with at a moments notice. Of course I have added some new friends to the mix. Friends from College, form various jobs, from later in life, but I still have the core group I had in highschool. We are still a force to be reckoned with. Forget it if you are on the dance floor and we step in the room!
Here we are through the years:
I have spent the better part of the day reminiscing through these songs and the songs of my youth. I have been reliving my life through these songs. It's pretty amazing how a song can bring you back to some place. It amazes me how music can really move you.
I have been thinking back to my highschool days. All the fun I had with my friends. What is truly mind blowing is that I am friends with this same group today. The fact that our friendship has stood the test of time. It really is something.
I can see these girls and we can still laugh and engage the same way that we did back 20 years ago. I wonder how many people can say that?
These are the girls that have been with me through thick and thin. They are the ones that stood next to me and held me up when I was down. They are the ones that laughed and cried with me. They did this for me 20+ years ago, and they are still doing it today.
They are the same group of girls that stood with me and cried when I cried at the death of my Nana. They are the ones that were there to pick up the pieces of my failed relationships. The crushes in High school to the demise of my marriage. They have stood there and been side by side with me through it all.
Whenever a call is made that one of us is in trouble or needs something, we all come running. No matter what is going on in our own lives, we make the time to be present when one of us needs the other.
I am truly blessed. I am so blessed that I have the memories with these girls and more importantly that I continue to make memories with them.
We still all bring something unique to the table. We still have our own opinions and thoughts and ideas. We are all still unique individuals.
I am proud to have had these girls there celebrating my marriage and then subsequently my divorce.
It's a testament to our bond. I am not sure how many people can truly say they have had friends for a good 20 years. Someone they can call or chat with at a moments notice. Of course I have added some new friends to the mix. Friends from College, form various jobs, from later in life, but I still have the core group I had in highschool. We are still a force to be reckoned with. Forget it if you are on the dance floor and we step in the room!
Here we are through the years:
Friday, March 18, 2011
Fine....
Have you ever asked someone how they were.. and the response is.. Fine.. but you know.. in your heart.. that Fine is not fine? You hit the delicate line of do I probe further, or should I just leave it be. Because if there truly was something they wanted to tell me, wouldnt they say something? Or are they waiting for someone to inquire. The times you hold it all together and say Fine through gritted teeth because you know if you try to open up your mouth and say anything else, the tears will start flowing and the truth will bleed out. The secrets you are working so hard to keep inside, you know full well you are not Fine at all... you are no where near Fine.. yet, this is all you can muster.
I saw this posted as someones status and it made me laugh.. because it was really true:
DEADLY TERMS USED BY WOMEN:
1.FINE-This is the word women use to end an argument when they KNOW they are right and you need to shut up.
2.NOTHING-This means SOMETHING and you should be wary.
3.GO AHEAD-This is a dare, NOT permission. DON'T DO IT!
4.WHATEVER-is a woman's way of saying F*YOU!
5.THAT'S OK-She's thinking long and hard before deciding HOW and WHEN you WILL pay for your mistake...
I have been guilty of the Fine and Nothing... and of course the Whatever.. ok and the rest of them as well., I do it all the time.
But its the Fine that really gets me. When you know you arent fine, and everyone else knows you arent fine.. but its the elephant in the room. How much do I ask, how much do I reveal. Do most people really even want to know the depth that lies behind the Fine? Or are they just asking out of politeness? Kind of like Lovely weather we are having.
At the end of the day, we are all busy and consumed with our own lives and our own problems, and I know for me, I tend think, why burden someone with my problems, when I can smile, teeth clenched, and say.. .Fine. Things are Fine, I am Fine. Life is FINE FINE FINE.
I am trying to think back to when Fine got such a bad, negative connotation. To me Fine is not a real answer. Its a cop out. And yes, I am guilty of this cop out, but its still a cop out. Its an answer to placate someone. Its the answer you give instead of having diarrhea of the mouth and telling people what you are really feeling.
So next time you ask how I am.. how things are going.. and I say Fine.. Well they might just be that.. but chances are.. there is something lurking just behind the Fine...
I saw this posted as someones status and it made me laugh.. because it was really true:
DEADLY TERMS USED BY WOMEN:
1.FINE-This is the word women use to end an argument when they KNOW they are right and you need to shut up.
2.NOTHING-This means SOMETHING and you should be wary.
3.GO AHEAD-This is a dare, NOT permission. DON'T DO IT!
4.WHATEVER-is a woman's way of saying F*YOU!
5.THAT'S OK-She's thinking long and hard before deciding HOW and WHEN you WILL pay for your mistake...
I have been guilty of the Fine and Nothing... and of course the Whatever.. ok and the rest of them as well., I do it all the time.
But its the Fine that really gets me. When you know you arent fine, and everyone else knows you arent fine.. but its the elephant in the room. How much do I ask, how much do I reveal. Do most people really even want to know the depth that lies behind the Fine? Or are they just asking out of politeness? Kind of like Lovely weather we are having.
At the end of the day, we are all busy and consumed with our own lives and our own problems, and I know for me, I tend think, why burden someone with my problems, when I can smile, teeth clenched, and say.. .Fine. Things are Fine, I am Fine. Life is FINE FINE FINE.
I am trying to think back to when Fine got such a bad, negative connotation. To me Fine is not a real answer. Its a cop out. And yes, I am guilty of this cop out, but its still a cop out. Its an answer to placate someone. Its the answer you give instead of having diarrhea of the mouth and telling people what you are really feeling.
So next time you ask how I am.. how things are going.. and I say Fine.. Well they might just be that.. but chances are.. there is something lurking just behind the Fine...
Friday, March 11, 2011
Would you...
If you had a chance to go back in time and change things.. Would you? Do you ever think about what life would be like if you had chosen a different path? If you had picked what was behind door number two, instead of number one? If you had the insight to go back and relive some situations of your past. Would you?
If you could rewrite portions of your story, would you?
I recently read this book
The premise was just that. A married woman with a daughter, goes back 7 years in the past. She gets the chance to do it all over again. To go back to the relationship that she thought was the one that got away. It really got me thinking. What if you could do that. What if you could take the insight that you have now, and go back and relive the moments. What if you could get through the moments that back then you thought were big things, only to realize that they were little things. That the fights and worries, were nothing much.
It really hit home to me. and it made me wonder. What if I had chosen NOT to get married, where would my life be now. What if I had the strength to stand up and say I don't want this, I don't want to be married just yet. I have a lot of living to do. I wonder what my life would look like now.
Would I be the person I am today?
Would I have the kids I have today?
Would I have the same friends, job, home?
If you could take a step back and see the big picture of your life, what is now and how you got there, would you change anything? Do you stand there and think.. hmmm.. this is not how I pictured my life to turn out. I can tell you honestly, that I never expected to be standing here at 38, newly divorced, starting my life over. This time with 3 kids in tow. Navigating the dating world as a single mom. Learning how to be me again, learning how to be a single parent, learning how to be a divorced woman when your friends are all still coupled. Somedays I feel like I am standing on the edge of a mountain, I envision myself looking all around, not really knowing how I got here, or where to go from here. I am figuring it out, day by day. But it does make me think.. would I have spared alot of people the angst that my divorce caused them?
I guess I wouldn't want to change anything that has happened to me. It has really shaped the person that I am today. All my ups and downs, have made me stronger than I ever realized I could be. There are of course moments, that I call "not my finest hours". Decisions that I made that I sometimes wish I hadn't.
I would love to be able to go back and spend more time with the people that I loved and have lost. I would love to be able to sit one more time on my Nana's porch. I would love to have had one more chance to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her. It would be amazing to go back and see her.
The book really got me thinking.. about the times I thought what if.. about a guy, about a job, about just about anything...
If you could rewrite portions of your story, would you?
I recently read this book
The premise was just that. A married woman with a daughter, goes back 7 years in the past. She gets the chance to do it all over again. To go back to the relationship that she thought was the one that got away. It really got me thinking. What if you could do that. What if you could take the insight that you have now, and go back and relive the moments. What if you could get through the moments that back then you thought were big things, only to realize that they were little things. That the fights and worries, were nothing much.
It really hit home to me. and it made me wonder. What if I had chosen NOT to get married, where would my life be now. What if I had the strength to stand up and say I don't want this, I don't want to be married just yet. I have a lot of living to do. I wonder what my life would look like now.
Would I be the person I am today?
Would I have the kids I have today?
Would I have the same friends, job, home?
If you could take a step back and see the big picture of your life, what is now and how you got there, would you change anything? Do you stand there and think.. hmmm.. this is not how I pictured my life to turn out. I can tell you honestly, that I never expected to be standing here at 38, newly divorced, starting my life over. This time with 3 kids in tow. Navigating the dating world as a single mom. Learning how to be me again, learning how to be a single parent, learning how to be a divorced woman when your friends are all still coupled. Somedays I feel like I am standing on the edge of a mountain, I envision myself looking all around, not really knowing how I got here, or where to go from here. I am figuring it out, day by day. But it does make me think.. would I have spared alot of people the angst that my divorce caused them?
I guess I wouldn't want to change anything that has happened to me. It has really shaped the person that I am today. All my ups and downs, have made me stronger than I ever realized I could be. There are of course moments, that I call "not my finest hours". Decisions that I made that I sometimes wish I hadn't.
I would love to be able to go back and spend more time with the people that I loved and have lost. I would love to be able to sit one more time on my Nana's porch. I would love to have had one more chance to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her. It would be amazing to go back and see her.
The book really got me thinking.. about the times I thought what if.. about a guy, about a job, about just about anything...
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