A fond farewell to 2010....

As I sit here on the cusp of the New Year, it's a time for me to reflect on all that has happened.

2011 will be a year of changes.  Well I guess so hasn't 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.  Each of these years since my marriage broke up have been a challenge.  I have grown alot, changed alot, stumbled alot, but I always managed to get back up, dust myself off and continue on.  There were days and nights that I never thought I was going to make it to the next day.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, and nights I didn't want to go to bed, alone again.  It's been a struggle to get through the separation and the divorce.  Which will be final in a few short weeks.  I can't believe that chapter of my life will finally be closed.  It seems like it was such a long time getting from there to here. 

As look back on the last 3 years (I still can't believe its been 3 years since my marriage ended. Seems like it was just yesterday, but if you had asked me on that November day where I would be in 3 years, I couldn't even imagine 3 years having passed.).  The first years of the separation I spent a lot of time going out and doing my thing.  I was in victim mode.  I couldn't believe this had happened to me. I couldn't believe that at 35, here I was, single.  While I didn't exactly want to be married, which I was finally able to admit to myself and to others after a while sitting in my therapists office, it was still hard to start the process of undoing what you spent a life time knowing.  I was 20 when D and I met.  We went from Zero to relationship.  I spent the next 15 years of my life with him.  Building a life.  Making plans.  Buying houses.  Having babies.  We did have a good decent fairly solid marriage.  On the outside it was great, it was what was lacking on the inside.  The passion, the head over heels in love.  That left a long time before.  And what replaced it was indifference.  I didn't care.  I checked out. Checked out of my marriage and my life.  I was merely watching life happen to me from the sidelines.  So when the marriage ended, I spent most of 2008 going out and getting my groove back.  I went out.. ALOT.  I drank.. ALOT.. I used it to escape.  but at the end of the day, the problems were still there.  I realized and I guess I always knew, that I was also part of the marriage problem.  My inability to express my opinions and thoughts and feelings, just made me withdraw into myself.  I don't blame my ex for what he did.  I actually thank him.  I know its weird to say that.  But he gave me my life back. He gave me a chance to get it right.  Yes, these chances were there all along, but I was too weak to stand up and say Hey.. I am done.  He gave me the opportunity.  He opened the window... I jumped.

Now I have to fully disclose that I had tossed the idea of trying to repair the damage.  Because after all, we were a family. We had a house and 3 beautiful kids together.  and I mean come one.. my life.. wasnt SO bad.  I did what I wanted, I went out when I wanted, etc.  but it wasn't enough.  I wanted more. I wanted a fullfilling life and marriage.  I didn't want to stay settled anymore.

That day in the therapists office,when I said the words, I can't do this anymore.  They were the hardest thing for me to say.  Divorce doesn't just affect you and your spouse.  It affects everyone around you.  Kids especially.  But it affects your family, your friends.  So much more.  People dont know how to act around you.  It's almost like you have a plague or something.  No one can understand what you go through, how it feels.  The gammut of emotions that are run.  I was in a constant state of flux.

The hardest part was watching my kids struggle.  There were days when I thought well maybe we should just stay together for the kids sake.  it will be better for them.  But it wouldn't.  It really wouldnt.  And so I stood by my decision.  I watched my kids struggle and stood by them while they cried, and we together picked up the pieces and were able to move on.

2008 was an interesting year.  I started dating again.  I had a "relationship" again.  It was weird.  It was good, it was an experience.  It lasted 3 months.  And then I was dumped on NYE.  And that was fun...  haha.. we are good friends now.  He came in to my life for a reason.  I also lost my job. The one thing I was able to count on.  After being there for 9 years, I was told my job was no longer available.  I was a victim of the economy.  Here I was, a single mother of 3, with no job.  I remember breaking down in the HR ladys office,thinking how am I going to do this.  No job, 3 kids.  Great. 

Then something great happened. I got a new job.  A really great new job.  At a company that I really like going to work for.  It was a world of new opportunities.  I was glad to have the new beginning.  Starting fresh. 

2009 was a year of more and more dating.  One right after the other. All the wrong guys.. I got my heart broken alot.  But I wouldnt change it for the world.  I learned a lot.  Had a lot of great sex.  It is true that hindsight is 20/20.  I wish that I could have spared myself some of the heartache, but it did help me to realize things about myself. 

2010 was more of the same.  I did a lot of online dating.  Which was really interesting.  I met a lot of interesting people.  I learned how to put myself out there, and meet new people and experience new things.  It was also the end of some friendships I thought I needed.  I realized that I didn't need these people and the drama and the negativity.   I learned to surround myself with positive strong people, and got rid of the people that were dragging me down and causing negativity. 

2010 also saw me get the strength to finish up with my marriage.  Finally it was time to get all the affairs in order, get the papers filed, go to court and get granted the divorce.  It takes a long time for the process to be finalized.   I have also started dating a great guy.  It was someone that I knew and was interested in for a while, the timing was never right before, but then it got right. 

So I am excited for 2011.  My marriage will officially be over on January 10th.  My guy and I are going strong.  We have had some bumps along the way, but we are working through it.  When something bothers me I tell him and we work through it.  My initial reaction was to say fuck it.. i am done.  but i am trying to communicate what I am feeling.  And its scary and good all at the same time.

I still have alot of living and changing and rebuilding to do.  I spent a lot of time reading books about divorce and getting through it, how to move on.

Divorce is an interesting thing to go through.  I have learned alot.  I have cried alot.  I have done things and met people I never would have before.  I have been living life and experiencing life.  I have opened my eyes and my heart up again. It's scary.  I am scared as hell to think that I could actually be in anything long term.  I am trying to just go with it. 

My hope for the new year is that I can continue on this path of self awareness.  I need to realize and remember that I am smart, beautiful, fun, strong, amazing, and all that good stuff.  It's so easy to feel worthless when you feel like all you are doing is being kicked around.  I take responsibility for how my life has turned out and is turning out.  I am the only one with the power to change things if they are not working out.  I cannot be the victim, and I won't be the victim.  I need to be a strong positive role model to my kids. 

And to pat myself on my back a little bit..  I have to say this..  I think we are doing OK as a family.  I have a great relationship with my ex. 

Christmas Morning, my ex and his fiancee came over to watch the kids open their presents with me and my guy.  It's the definition of a modern family.  Griffin drew a picture of our family.  And I noticed there were a few extra people in it, so I asked who they were.  Well he included his fathers fiancee and my guy.  We were bookends. My ex and his fiancee on one end, me and my guy on the other, the three kids in the middle.  I love that picture.  and I love that my sweet guy is in a place where this is how he visions his family.  We have a couple of extra people in the picture, but we are all together.  And I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that. 

And on that note, I bid a fond farewell to 2010 and I look onward and upward to 2011. 

Happy New Year all!

Calgon.. take me away...

Ok..  so Calgon isn't taking me away.. but my guy is..  Yup.. finally.. the big weekend is approaching.. and FAST approaching.  While I am anxiously awaiting spending an entire weekend kid free with my main squeeze, I am also stressing it, big time. 

I know.. what?  Wait.. STRESSING a romantic weekend away with the one you love, to a place.. well what place.. I have no idea still.. (can you believe I STILL have NO idea where in the world he is taking me) that it will be just me and him (ok and another of our couple friends).  No kids, no responsibilites, nada..  Just time away to enjoy eachother.  Relax and enjoy.

Relax?  What's that mean? 

I am so stressed out right now about this, it's making me sick.  My neck and shoulders are in knots.  Why you may inquire?  Well let's see.. the last time I went away for a weekend, I got a text smack dab in the middle of a beautiful relaxing weekend.  The text you ask?  Well it was from my darling ex... to basically tell me how rotten one of the kids was being.. gee.. thanks.. there I was.. enjoying the relaxing, quiet calm of Maine, and I get texted about the kids acting up.  Ummm.. gee.. thanks.  What am I supposed to do about this..  3hours away and what 300 miles away.  I dont know.  I wasn't about to go home.  He is their father and needs to learn to deal with the moods of 5 year olds.  Why is it that my work is never done?  As a mother, I can't ever go away and turn it off.  I am always worried about the kids acting up when I am not there.  Do they act up for me? Absolutely.  Do I call their father everytime to tell them that?  Nope. Why?  Because it's what kids do.

I know this is a simple concept.  When the kids go with their Dad.. they go with their Dad.. I should only be alerted to something when there is an emergency.  Has someone fallen down, are they in the Emergency Room, has there been an accident?  No. Well then leave me the F*ck alone.  Seriously.  I want to be able to go away and enjoy my weekend.  He gets to enjoy weekends away  with his lady.  Why can't I be afforded the same luxury with my guy?

So I am going to have to put my foot down and say.. PLEASE do NOT call/text/email/skywrite/send a homing pigeon this weekend.  I am OUT.  Done.. Pretend I do NOT exist this weekend.  I sent a lovely worded email, putting the blame on no one...  but asking quite nicely.. to be left alone this weekend..  and he has agreed to not even contact me if one of the kids is burning the other with the severed limb of the third sibling... 

I am trying so hard to get rid of the knots in my neck and shoulders.  I am trying to relax.  It's hard for me.  I know it's stupid and it should be a no brainer.  but it still is affecting me.  And I know that I need to just let it go.  Just breathe.   Think of the fun I am going to have.  The fun of being whisked away to a place that I have had not had to plan one aspect of.  To spend time with the guy that I adore.  To have lots and lots of sex (I know..  TMI.. ).  Even more than that.. to wake up for 2 WHOLE consecutive mornings next to him..  To lay in the crick of his arm and feel safe and loved.  Things that are taken for granted.  It's hard to get that time in when you are single parents. 

I honestly had shut myself off for so long to the intimacy of a relationship.  For so long I had been so closed off to letting someone else in.  It's very scary to allow someone to hold you close and lay still and be still.  I have a hard time with it. But now that I have been doing it.  I realized how much I missed it.  How this had been lacking for me, for some time now.  I now hate when we can't wake up together.  I hate when we can't lay there, and I can trace the curves of his body with my fingertips. That I can't everyday feel the electricity and how excited I feel when I touch his skin.  When he kisses me.  All the good stuff.. 

I get to experience this for the whole weekend. I am sure that the weekend will fly by in the blink of an eye. Reality will be presented back to us soon enough.  I am going to try to live in and enjoy the moments that we have together.  Soon enough it will be Sunday and we will be on the way home, back to our real lives.  Back to the daily grind. Back to having to sleep apart..  Back to the stresses of daily life.  Money woes, Christmas woes, kid woes, work woes.... 

Anyway.. it is my hope to one day figure this all out.. to figure out this thing that is my life.  It's a balancing act.  Somedays I can get through it like clockwork, and say, hmph.. this is no big deal, I got this.. and other days..  I want to say..  Holy Shit.. I have NO idea what I am doing..  I do NOT have this at all..  In fact.. this has got ME! 

So only 3 more wake ups.. and then we are off..  to where.. I dont know..  and I really dont care..  :) 

Blindsided....

So I must apologize in advance... this post will be all over the place.  I know.. I know.. but much more so than is "normal" for me..

Blindsided:  to attack critically where a person is vulnerable, uninformed, etc

This was me, today. 

Let's recap the morning shall we.  I get to work and log in to my yahoo mail..  la di da.. just like everyday..  oh I see there is a facebook email from my friend Heather.. . Ok, Heather what are you up to..  the email is asking me if I am ok with the news and that she is thinking of me..  Umm.. what news..  I have NO idea what on earth she is talking about..  for a split second I thought maybe that email was intended for another one of her friends named Michelle..  but deep down I knew.. I knew what the news was going to be...  So I text her.. WTF are you talking about..   and she quite simply confirms, what I knew in my gut the news was going to be, by writing..  dana and erin..   yup.. my ex and his gf are engaged... 

Wow.

So I knew it was going to  happen, I figured it was going to happen this weekend as they go on their big romantic weekend.  And I was right, it was going to happen then, but last night she was pestering him for what her big surprise was.. and well plans changed.. 

And here I am.. learning about my ex's engagement, through the wonderment of Facebook. 

This is where I was blindsided.  I am happy for him.  I truly am.  He is a good guy and deserves happiness.. It MIGHT have been nice if he had given me a heads up.  Just a bit of common courtesy.  It MIGHT have been nice if he had at least prepared the kids.  To let them know what was forthcoming.  Life's been a big adjustment for them over the past few years.  And here I am.. yet again, going to be the one to pick up the pieces.  I am sure they will be fine with it, but there will be questions no doubt.  Griffin has expressed concern that if I ever got married again, that I wouldn't be his mom anymore.  I said no sweetie, I will ALWAYS be your mom...  just because someone gets remarried, doesn't mean they stop being your parent.  Poor kid. 

So here I sit.. trying to figure out how I feel.. . Numb.  that is how I feel.  Numb.  I don't know how or what to feel.  There is no divorce handbook that tells you how you should feel.  Where's the manual that states what's supposed to happen when your ex decides he is going to remarry.  How does this work.  I know its all about making things up as we go along, and we are extremely lucky to have the relationship that we do. 

I am happy for him.  I truly am.  I am glad he has found someone else to start a new life with, but it's still a bit bittersweet.  And I guess because the ink is barely dry on our divorce.  Technically, we aren't even divorced officially until January. 

For me, I am happy with my new guy.  Things are going along pretty well.  We have hit a few bumps, but have worked them out.  When something bothered me I didn't sweep it under the rug.  I confronted it and him and I said my peace.. or yelled it..  drove to his house, pulled him out of bed and made him finish our "discussion".. you know..  the usuals.  ha ha.. It's what normal people do right?  When something bothers them, or one of us is upset, they drive blindly through the night and yank the other out of bed to confront the issue.  Well my marriage was opposite.  If something bothered me, then I swept it under the rug and added it to my resentment pile.  Which by the way, grows pretty quickly and pretty fast.  This time I refuse to let things get bottled up and unresolved.  I will not put them on the TO-Do list.  If I do that, that list just grows and never gets addressed.  I needed to see him and talk to him in order to make things right, and they were. 

I guess this is how grown ups live.  I don't know.

But anyway.. for now..  I will keep on trucking...  I will continue to explore my feelings and work on me and my "issues".  I will and do wish my ex and his gf good luck. I am sure with this bit of news and feeling blindsided, I will go through a huge range of emotions.  Most of them will be chronicled here.  My main priority is to make sure that the kids know that no matter what their Mom and Dad love them very much.  And that Dad getting remarried does not mean that I am being replaced or that he is not their Dad anymore.  If anything, they get another person to love them.  The more people that love my kids the better. 


Ironically I got this delivered to me today..   I will be toasting the happily newly engaged couple! 



and for those that are wondering.. here is me and my guy:




And my three loves:




Well thanks as always for enduring my rants...  and more importantly.. thanks to all my family and friends for being so supportive of me.. and always caring... It means the world to me.

~M

Christmas.. Christmas.. Christmas time is here... and that means..

Christmas Cards!  Yes, it isn't even Thanksgiving yet (ok it's TOMORROW!  yikes!), but I have already been thinking, and more importantly STRESSING about the perfect Christmas Card. 

I heard about this awesome promotion that Shutterfly was having, 50 free cards if you blog about them!  I was floored.  I was already checking out the new selection of cards on their site, and lo and behold, this great promotion has dropped in my lap!  It was fate.  Ok, it was kind of spooky that I had just been telling some friends about Shutterfly's great new selection.  I admit, I had checked out the competition, Kodak gallery, snapfish, even walgreens.  But BLECH.  Boring.. nothing exciting.  I think I have seen the same cards on those sites the past 3 or 4 years. 

I have used Shutterfly in the past for cards.  I think the quality is amazing and the shipping is super quick. They are forever having awesome deals, sales and coupons.  This year, is even better (or maybe worse!) because they have really stepped up the selection.  So many choices....  what to do.. what to do..  I am really liking the simplicity of the designs.  In all honesty, they look like the same designs that I have seen on much more expensive sites.  I tend to have a love affair with Shutterfly for their Holiday Cards anyway.  I think their site is easy to maneuver, and working in a web ui environment, I am all about user experience on web sites.  I like the fact that I can filter my results.  I know I want a bunch of pictures, I know I want the larger card size option.  Heck, I could even narrow it down by color, which is really cool.

Link to Shutterfly's full array of Christmas cards

I have definitely narrowed it down to a few choices:



or this is nice:



or this:



I think I am liking this last option.  I was forever doing the card with one big picture of the kids, and three little pictures; one for each of the kids.  This year, I am forgoing the formal pictures, and I have decided I am going to go with a bunch of pictures from the year.  Showcasing some of the fun things we did as a family.  And like bigfoot or the loch ness, I may make a rare appearance on the Holiday card...

I do have to say that I get a bit stressed out with the cards.  I want the perfect looking card, I want the wittiest, sweetest and most perfect saying.  I have a draft of the card already saved.  I am waiting to see if I can get a nice dressed up family picture tomorrow on Thanksgiving. But who knows. The kids do not always like to cooperate.  They see Mom pull out the camera and they skeedaddle...  or my favorite is when they are all posed so nicely.. the battery in the camera usually dies, one of them has to start hitting the other, or my personal fave, when I say.. ok, look at me...  they all look in different directions.. I am not really sure if they don't realize that I am speaking to them from behind the camera...  but they all end up looking away from me.. maybe this year I will say, look away from me.. whatever you kids decide to do.. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CAMERA...  I am sure that will bring a lot of shock and confusion.. and maybe.. just maybe.. the perfect shot.... 

This year I am thinking that I might do a few calendars as well.  I love the personalized Calendars.  Last year my siblings and I got all the kids together and had a bunch of pictures of the kids done for our parents.  We put them in to a calendar and also made collages of the images for them.  Out of all the gifts that my parents recieved, their favorite by far was the calendar.  They get to see the smiling faces of their grandkids every day.  I have to admit I have one up in my cube at work as well, and I am forever getting compliments on it.  Of course it could be that my kids are just so stinking adorable.  But it is a great idea.  What I love about it too is that you can put in important dates.  Each year I am forever having to write in birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  This is so much easier.  I just type in the important date and viola! 



I have also been eyeing the photo mugs.  I mean who wouldn't want a mug with the mugs (ok, crickets.. not funny.. I KNOW!) of my kids on it..  It's the sole reason my ex husband drinks coffee on the one night a week that he takes the kids overnight.  Wouldn't that make a lovely gift for him and his girlfriend?  They can sit and stare loving at eachother over a nice morning cup of coffee, with our kids pictures on it.  I think that's a brilliant idea...  I am going to get right on that.  You can even order a mug that comes with chocolate.. what's better than that?  Yummy..  chocolate..  It's great marketing, put chocolate in any picture and I am sold... 



So I close this blog with this..  Go to shutterfly... Check out their awesome selection.  You definitely won't be disappointed.  I have never been.  I mean seriously.. what more could you want..  Great selection, great prices, super fast shipping, and unbelievable quality. 

Another thing I have noticed, when I get cards in, I tend to flip them over and you see where the cards were created from.  I think a good 80% of them are from Shutterfly... So if you haven't jumped on the band wagon or drank the Shutterfly Kool Aid, I challenge you to at least check them out.. See the selection, but please please please do NOT suggest any additional card styles to me.. because I have a hard enough time narrowing it down on my own!! 

And if you are a blogger, well then put your blogging hat on, and get on it..  You would be foolish not to! 

I don't want to make the same mistakes...

I am sitting here at my desk, while I should be working.. ok, I AM working, technically... Thank GOD for Technology.. I mean seriously.. How DID we ever look busy before computers and the internet...  Oh yes, I am just "researching" things....  yeah, that's it.. it's even better when my job consists of me actually doing web based testing..  yup.. I know.. at one point, my job was to actually shop!  Yes.. SHOP!!  Yay.. well it was to simulate shopping experiences, and we got to use fake credit card numbers and everything. So it was AWESOME..  I bought myself a whole bunch of great stuff.. well in my mind I did... 

So anyway.. as I sit here, catching up on the blogs I follow, and listening to my ipod, clearly not doing any work (hey I was on lunch ok... give me a break..), that is where the title for this post comes from.. No, not my lack of doing work today (can you say unmotivated today.. yes.. I can..) but from my ipod.  Bon Jovi's Open all night just came on, and that line always gets me:  I don't want to make the same mistakes....  It's always touched me.   I can relate to it. 

I am tired of making the same mistakes.  Einstein said:  Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...  I lived my life like that.  In fact I still do.  It's tough. Tough to break out of habits and patterns. Things we come to rely on.  It's our safety net, our security blanket. It's a way to keep balance among Chaos.    I can immediately go to a place that I feel safe.  Doesn't mean that it's the right place, but it's a familiar place and to me... that means "safe". 

Since my marriage ended 3 years ago now (wow.. can't believe it was 3 years ago November that my marriage ended... ) I have had to do so many things that have been outside my comfort zone....  I have made a lot of mistakes, or as I like to call them.. they were not  my finest hours.  I have learned alot, and realized I haven't learned much of anything. 

I continued to fall for the wrong guys.  I continued to act the same way.  All the while I was wondering why things werent working out.  Well I think everyone could see it coming from a mile away..  That the train I was on might have had a new shiny coat of paint, but it was still chugging down the same track.  I hadn't changed anything about the way I took the journey or traveled.  I just changed the shell.  I did this in the hope to confuse and fool you.. but it turned out, the only one that was the fool was me.. as I continued down the wrong track.. 

I am really trying to be on the right track now.  and dare I say, things are chugging along nicely with me and my guy...  it's weird.  I know it shouldn't be.. but it still is.  I am still struggling with the fact that this relationship could actually have legs. 

Saturday night he took me and our moms to see a show at the Wang (or Citi Wang.. whatever its called today).  The group was Straight No Chaser.  It was a great night.  We went to dinner and then off to the show.  It was nice to do something not of the norm, and it was so sweet that he wanted to bring me and my mom.   (Ok, so truth be told when he first bought the tickets months ago, it was to bring his ex gf and HER mom.. but I am going to overlook that.. ha ha.. ) We had a great time, and it was nice to be out with him and not  hanging out at his "club" or the local bar we have come to frequent. 

It still blows my mind to be with someone that thinks about me and wants to do things for me.  I mean I know this is the norm, but it hasn't been for me for a while.  I was meeting people that didn't care much about actually building a relationship.  This was where I was getting it wrong.  Do I have it right this time, I don't know.  We will see.  Life is always a learning experiment.  I can't predict the future, I can't change the past, I can only concentrate on the present... 

And with that, I am trying.  I am trying not to let the crazy bleed in.  It is hard for me.  I know it's unfair to take out my insecurities on him, but I still do...  and I am working on it.  I am.. really.. I am trying to not get too worked up over stupid things.. I am trying not to punish him for things that others have done to me in the past.  I am trying to live in an open and honest relationship.  Being vulnerable and letting my walls come down is super hard for me.  I always feel like if I let someone in then they can use these vulnerabilities against me.  I open up my heart, they come in and then proceed to step all over it.  I don't want that.  I don't want to feel afraid of it.  I mean if this doesn't work out, there is nothing that I can do to stop that.  I can't beg, cry, scream.  Well I can.. but why would I want to.. I have tried in the past to hold on to things and people that weren't even worthy of me.  But I felt so down in the dumps about me and my relationships that I thought I deserved to be treated the way I was being treated.  I know better now.. or I am LEARNING. 

Being open and honest is hard.  This blog has helped me a bit.  Helped me to put down thoughts and feelings that sometimes are even hard for me to say outloud.  I guess it's kindof the cowards way of getting my feet wet with how to be honest.  It's easy to put on a smile and tell people that things are "fine"... everything is "fine"... when deep down you are screaming inside because things aren't fine... I am getting better at expressing and sharing feelings. 

I am reading this great book right now called Falling Apart in One Piece.  It's about a woman's journey through her divorce.  It's really hitting home.  why read these books you wonder... well it is helping me to put a lot of things in perspective.  Helps me to feel like I am not alone.  It's tough going through a divorce.  And it's definitely really tough when you are the first one of your friends to do it.  I was the first to get married, and the first to divorce.  Reading about others experiences with it, is helping me to understand it.  Getting divorced was the right thing for me to do.  But it doesn't mean that it still has an affect on me.  It's hard to undo a whole lifetimes worth of emotions and memories.  I am lucky in that my divorce was very amicable, but there are days it hits me hard.  They say divorce is like a death, and that is true..  you can never convey what it feels like to loose something or someone in that manner.  Life goes on around you and you are left to pick up the pieces, to start again.  Even though I knew that I was in an unfulling marriage, that I really didn't have any business getting married in the first place, it was still hard to stand there at 34 and realize that I had to start my life over again.  This time, with 3 kids in tow.  It's been tough navigating the dating scene.  I am fortunate to find someone that has no issues with kids, but it's still hard.  His daughter goes away for the whole weekend, pretty much every weekend, and I get one weekend night every weekend.  It sucks that I can't have both weekends to hang out, and I guess that is good in a sense too.. but I get jealous of that freedom.  And here is where I need to not make the same mistakes... I get jealous of the fact that he can hang out all day and night with his friends, and not have to worry about things... that he can go out both weekend nights.  Yes one is with me.. but I am in that selfish phase.. where I think he should be spending EVERY night with me.. and this is where I need to keep the crazy in check... 

I am trying.. but like I said.. it bleeds through.... 

and once again.. my postings are all over the place.. is it a wonder that I can get through the day... 

Thanks for reading.. and continuing on this journey with me...  :) 

The more I learn.. the less I realize I know...

I have been in therapy for close to 3 years now.  I have learned lots and lots about myself.  I am becoming more and more honest with myself and others everyday.  I have started to trust my therapist more than I had in the past.  I know.. it's weird that I wouldn't trust her, I adore her.  But truth be told, when I first thought about going to therapy I didn't get it.  I didn't understand it.  I mean come on.. you want ME to tell my whoa's to a complets stranger and what, she gets to sit there across from and judge me and the choices I have made..  Yeah.. thanks, but NO thanks.  But still I went.  and I started to learn that I could open up to someone, that it was not her job to criticize me, but it was her job to point out things and places that I have gone wrong, and she has taught me to think before I act, or she has ATTEMPTED to teach me this.  I have learned so much from her, that it amazes me how I have functioned.  I cant tolerate bullshit the way I use to.  I dont like to let things fester and sweep them under the rug anymore.  I have learned to stand up and face some of my fears. 

Then of course, when it comes to relationships...  I still feel like the lost scared little girl.  I still have this trust issue.  I still don't believe that people can be who they say they are.  Not everyone has an ulterior motive. 

As you know I am dating a perfectly lovely guy.  We have fun together, we laugh, joke, etc.  We get along so well.  I adore him and he adores me.  The kids like him and his daughter likes me.  He calls, he wants to see me, he takes me out places, introduces me to his friends and family, he has met some of my friends and family, he is taking me and my mom out to a show next weekend.  Things are great. 

So what's the problem?  ME!  I still think that if he is late in calling or he says I will call you later, that if he doesn't, it's over.  I still have this knee jerk reaction.  I still want to cut right to the quick.  I get this fuck you attitude.  Why?  I DONT KNOW... I wish that I could shred this cloak of self doubt I carry around.  I wish I could trust in someone.  I mean the damage that has been done to me is so deep. Even I have trouble with it. 

I can't stand myself when I get all worked up like that.  Perfectly innocent things, I blow out of proportion.  It's like I look for a way to sabotage... and what plays in my head...  the Beastie Boys song... listen up y'all it's a sabotage. 

If I feel wronged, then I want immediate revenge.. I think.. hmmm..  what can I do to really show this person I am pissed off..  even though they have done nothing wrong, but in my mind they have.. I have created this elaborate scene in which I am being wronged..  and I hate it.  I am trying to not do this.  I don't want to ruin this, but I always feel like I better prepare for the worst...  Why can't I just relish in the good. 

My question is will I ever be able to sit back and relax... 

It's pretty sad to know that someone adores you, loves being with you, and all that, and still I can't relax about it.  I know its a new relationship and things take time. 

it's easy for others to say, just go with the flow, just relax and enjoy it, dont read too much in to it.  but it's how i have lived my life for years.  its the pain and disappointment i have lived with.  I cant help it.  I am trying, but it bleeds through. 

and it still makes me wonder.. am i really destined to be happy?  i sure as hell hope so, because i want to be happy.  i want to be able to shake off the doubt and just live.  I want to throw caution to the wind and jump in...  it's just hard for me...

i figured if i write this out.. for the universe to see... and my 6 followers.. that it will keep me in check.. i need to be kept in check.. i need the smack in the face that says WAKE UP.. .

i guess the good news, is that i kept the crazy to myself.  i didn't let it show.. too much.. of course i did a wee bit.. but i am learning...  and i am trying.. and i guess that is all i can do at this point..  trust takes time.. and in the end..  i will be worth it to the person that can break me of my crazy...

and for now.. i am off.. 

Trouble.....

So I think I am in trouble... Ok.. I KNOW I am in trouble..  Why trouble you may ask?  Well as documented last post.... I admitted to meeting someone... All is going well... and this is where the trouble comes in. 

I have spent the last couple of years meeting the wrong people... I saw a Tshirt that said I don't make mistakes, I date them.  That Tshirt pretty much summed up my dating life.  I chose the wrong guys.  I think subconsciously...  and maybe sometimes consciously...  or unconsciously..  at least the latter would make the most sense as I look back and go what was I thinking...

Anyway..  So...  so far so good.  This scares the bejesus out of me.

A guy that is nice AND wants to see me.  What's his angle?   A guy that adores my kids, and isn't afraid of them. That wants to come over and spend time with me AND them.  I find myself apologizing for when they act all crazy, and he just laughs and says..  Relax.. they are kids... 

Things have been going pretty strong since the beginning of October.  I think we have spent pretty much every weekend together.  Again, this is a shock to me..  he wants to make plans with me, he calls us a "we"... and I have to ask for clarification...  who is this "we" you speak of... I am not use to being a "we".. It's been a "me" for so long... 

A week or so ago he brought up the idea of going away for a night.  Get away, get a hotel, have hotel sex (my personal fave.. ok, I know.. TMI... but heck..it's my blog.. I can say it...) just be able to enjoy being with eachother without any interruptions...   So we looked at schedules (getting away when you are single parents, is NOT that easy) came up with ideas, etc..  Here is the part that is weird for me..  He took the ball and ran with it.  I offered suggestions on where we could go, etc.. he immediately went and started researching hotels, locations etc..  this impressed me.  Seems so simple right?  So our original date didn't work out, he asked if i could a whole weekend away..  I was floored....  Wait WHAT?  Can I get a WHOLE weekend away...  You mean you want to spend a WHOLE weekend away with ME?  ME?  NO kids, nothing.. just you and me.. I checked my online calendar, found a weekend that worked, texted the ex and said..  I am going away for the weekend...  We talked about a few places,he continued to check out things.. I told him I didn't care where we went... So... short story long...  I get a text yesterday telling me that he has looked in to 4 different places... called them... and decided where he wants us to go.. and it's a surprise.. I have NO idea, for now..  where we are going..  but this is the thing.. with my ex.. this would have all fallen on me.. if I wanted us to go away, then I would have had to have booked it... thought of where to go, when to go, called, researched and what not..  booked it.  So it's unbelievable to me that someone else took the initiative.  And most of you know..  I am someone that needs plans..  and I like to have concrete plans..I will ask and follow up a million times..  It's why I tend to be the one that arranges the dinners for the girls... I like to know that we have a date, time and place all set...  And I hate to be the one trying to coordinate...  ok, I have a love hate relationship with planning things.  So for someone to take an idea, run with it...  it's just completely amazing to me.  I can't even tell you how weird it is for me. 

So yeah, I am in trouble. Huge trouble...  I am smitten....  I am afraid.  I know I need to just go with it and not let my crazy and my past bleed too much in to my present.  I hate that I always feel on the edge... like I am just always waiting for the other shoe to drop... Like I am teetering on the edge.  I hope one day to realize that sometimes people are exactly as they present themselves to be... not everyone is a wolf in sheeps clothing.  It is possible for a guy to be what he says he is... and to do what he says he will.  To show up when he says he will.   I have big issues with trust and follow thru. I have big issues with feeling like I have been played a fool, that the joke is on me. 

I am trying to let go and just live in the moment.  It is hard.  but I am learning. It's nice to have someone that wants to see and be with you... and wants to be around my kids.  and wants me to be around his kid.  The three of us went to dinner the other night.  He said his daughter is really comfortable around me, and that is amazing. His ex and daughter had a jealousy issue.  I said well I know your daughter is your #1 in your life, the best I can hope for is to be #2....  or maybe #1A...

So for now, things are going well...  and it definitely scares me.  Scares me to think that I could have someone to share my life with...

Stay tuned to see how this all unfolds...