Reflections of.....

So it's official..  finally.. divorced.  Yup.  I know.. it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming.  I have to admit.. fear of the unknown kept me from actually finishing up this chapter of my life.  But I did it.. I finally did it.  I am super proud of myself. 

I have to say, the actual process of standing in front of a judge, undoing your marriage, is kind of..  uneventful.

There was no music, there were no flowers, I wasn't in a pretty dress with my hair did.  My beloved wasn't waiting for me at the end of the aisle.  I didn't have friends and family there to cheer me on.  There were no adorable flower girls, ring bearers, ushers or bridesmaids.  My parents weren't there to hold my hand to walk me down and pass me off to the man that would become my husband. 

I can tell you what there was...   8 benches of people just like me.  People that were there to undo a committment that was supposed to be til death do you part... well I guess there was a death.  It was called my marriage, or the demise of it. 

There was a person in a robe "officiating" but it wasn't a priest, minister, rabbi, justice of  the peace.  It was a justice, and she was sitting there to decide my fate.

The only music that was playing was the quiet sobbing of some of the other people in the court room. 

There was no alter to stand before, we did need to make pledges and say I do.  But the I do I said this day was to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god.  Thinking back now (Since hindsight is 20-20.. or even 20-15.. I mean hindsight is so much more clear than just perfect vision.. its xray vision) to when I stood with my beloved in front of a room full of family and friends, in front of a person in a robe, had I been asked to do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. so help me god..   If I was told that I was under oath.. and lying was NOT an option..  when it came time for the minister to say.. do you take this man..  I would have had to have said.. NO..  I wasn't ready.  I didn't really want to get married.  I know most people will say.. that's not true.. you did want to get married.. but truthfully.. I  knew in my heart, I did not want to be married.  I was 23 years old.  I thought I knew everything.  Turns out I knew nothing.  I had that feeling of dred.  That I didn't want to be with this person for the rest of my life.  But what do I do instead of saying no..  I say Yes..Yes I DO pledge to be with you til death do us part.  Only that Death became the death of me as a person and the death of our marriage. 

I got on that roller coaster.  Everyone was so excited, I was getting MARRIED!!  I was caught up in the hype.  Yes, the pretty dress, a day all about me, pretty flowers, friends, a huge party in MY HONOR!!  What's not to love?  I mean honest and truly love?  The groom.  I know that sounds terrible..  but I loved him, yes, that was true.. I wasn't "in love" with him.. and that is so damn cliche right?

It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that. I knew for a long time the marriage was over.  I couldn't or wouldn't do anything about it.  Then the kids came along and its like well this marriage isn't bad.  We had so much respect for eachother, we loved the kids, we were a family.  And I mean what was wrong with me? I was always putting everyone elses needs before my own.  It was easier to stay in a marriage of convenience than to put on my big girl panties and make a concrete decision.  I am or was or am still kinda sorta what one would call a classic avoider.  I never want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to be the one that causes anyone pain deliberately.  So how could I say what I honestly and truly felt? That this was NOT the life or marriage I wanted?  I went through great pains to not have to be alone with my husband (or ex husband now, still kind of weird to say that).  I had my oldest sleep in the bed with me, so he couldn't. Then the twins came along and well it was best that we each took a twin and took care of our respective child at night.  I just made excuses after excuses.  And while I was busy doing that, he was busy too. Realizing that there were people out there that wanted to be with him and enjoyed being with him.. and so..  that was that... Without saying too much more...  there was a confession, a few weeks of indecision on if I could stay and continue to live the way I was.. then there was a perverbial pulling of the plug. 

I put the kibosh on my marriage.  I ended it.  I said these words one day in the therapists office "I can't do this anymore"...  and so it goes..  and so it goes.. and so will you soon I suppose...  That was it.  The hardest sentence I have uttered in my life.  I said the words that I had been thinking for years, but was never strong enough to actually say.  I did it.  I made the toughest choice in my life.  Yes, I could have stayed, we would still be together, I am certain.  Our life together wasn't bad.  I was fairly content.  He had his friends, I had mine. We both had the freedom to come and go as we pleased.  I had a second income coming in, I had a built in babysitter for when I wanted to just run to the store.  I had an extra set of hands at bed time.  I had a lot of freedom, but what I didn't have was me.  I didn't know who the hell I was anymore.  I was a mere shell of my former self.  I just existed.

So when I pulled the plug.  It was hard.  There was a ripple effect.  The decision just didn't effect me.  I had 3 kids to think about.  Believe me after I said those words, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  When the kids had a hard time adjusting to the separation, I debated if I was doing the right thing.  I mean why do I think that I had the right to make a decision that would make ME happy?  The kids were hurting and I felt like it was MY fault.  Yes, I know it wasn't.. but when you see your kids hurting and you know that it was something you did...  it's hard NOT to blame myself.  I knew in my heart, I was making the right decision.  It was a tough decision, but it was the right one.  For me, for the kids, for my ex.  It took a long time, but I think we are adjusting to life just fine.  The kids are happy for the most part.  They can see their parents in a loving and healthy relationship with eachother, just because we are not together anymore, doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving him.  This man gave me 3 beautiful children and a nice life.  We had a good, decent marriage.  It just wasn't good enough.  It wasn't fair to be in a marriage that we both settled for.  Because it was easier. 

I get why people stay for the kids.  I do.  It's hard to be a single parent.  It's hard to make the tough decisions.  It's hard to shuffle your kids off for a night or a weekend.  But then you know what.. it gets easier.  and it just feels right.  I hear the kids laughing and playing in the next room right now and I know that things are right. 

I am proud of myself for being able to make the tough decision. That I didn't stay for the convenience of it, or the ease of it.  I pulled the plug because it was the right thing to do.  My marriage had a DNR order attached to it.. and I respected it's wishes.

In closing of this post.. I do need to add that I am not bitter or jaded towards my ex. He was a good husband and is an amazing dad.  For all his faults, he was always the most loving and caring person.  I see him with the kids and I am glad that he is their dad.  He is still there for me emotionally if I need it, and  physically if I need something taken care of around the house, financially if I was struggling.  We are just better off apart than together.  He knows that and I know that.  And for that reason, we were able to drive in to Boston together, walk into the courtroom together, and end our marriage together.  Just the way it started on that gorgeous day in October 1996, with love and respect and some laughs, it ended on a gorgeous day in September 2010, with love, respect and laughs. 

I am forever thankful to him for giving me back my life.  I wish him nothing but a life filled with love and happiness, as I know that he truly wishes me the same.