Neglecting and Reflecting....

I admit it... I have neglected this blog.  My last posting was October 4th.  Yikes.  I guess that is somewhat unacceptable right?

So much has been going on, but yet, strangely I haven't had much to say.  I have been really sick with bronchitis and then pneumonia.  My thyroid is dangerously off and its been a chore for me on some days to get out of bed. So my blog was the least of my worries.  Being a functioning adult member of society had to take precedence.  I am happy to say that I am on my way to feeling better.  I still don't feel that great, but I am getting better. I can get out of bed in the morning and manage a shower.

I have been in a bit of a funk because of how crappy I have been feeling.  Who knew that a dead thyroid could cause so many problems.  I thought at first I was falling in to a bad depression.  But realized that it was because I was so sick and exhausted all the time.  Thyroid controls your mood as well.  Again, who knew?  I really felt out of sorts.  I didn't feel like myself.  I don't look like myself.  I was not happy with anything.  I was really sucking the life out of everything.  I was and still am mad at myself for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose.  I lost my motivation.  I have been laying in bed thinking I need to get up and go walking.  I mean I use to walk 3 miles a day before most people were even out of bed. It was conditioned in me.  Just to get up and GO.  Lately, I can barely manage to get myself out of bed and dressed.  Let alone the 3 little ones I am responsible.  Each day gets a little better.  Each day I feel a little bit better.  And that is good.  I need to stop beating myself up over things that I have no control over.  I am going to see a specialist for my thyroid.  I am taking my meds regularly.  I am trying to put things into perspective and just go with it.  It is hard for me.  But I am trying.  I can only take things one day at a time.

The past few months have been taxing.  I can't lie.   My boys are struggling in school.  I take this burden on my shoulders.

There are good plans in place for my boys.  And I am glad about that.  But there is still the daily angst I live with.  The angst of the phone call from school.  My oldest was suspended twice in a week.  It was not a good thing.  He was suspended for standing up for himself.   My younger son has been struggling with his sensory and aspergers.  He now goes to school a shorter time than his sister (he goes a traditional day instead of an expanded learning day) and he spends the majority of his day in the PDD room.  It is a smaller learning environment.  He is doing fairly well in there.  He still has his moments of extreme outbursts, but there are less distractions and less kids.  There is more help for him.  More resources.  and that is great.  It was discovered that my sons behavior in the classroom was becoming detrimental to my daughter.  I hate to admit this, but she gets lost in the shuffle.  She is good in school, she excels, she wants to learn, she loves to learn, she is sweet and outgoing, and she is respectful.  She doesn't have the outbursts (ok, occassionally, but its the typical 6 year old diva going on 16) or the struggles that her brothers have.  She is the "easy" one.  So she tends to get pushed aside because of that.  And I feel bad about it.  she is the one I don't have to worry about while she is at school.  She is the square peg that fits in the square whole, her brothers are the round peg trying to fit in to the square whole.

I am forever grateful to the schools my kids attend.  They are really willing to work with me to help my boys.

There are days that I wonder how I am going to make it through.  There are days that I am not sure I am going to make the balance work.  There are days I wonder how the hell I survived the day and made it to the next. There are days I just want to check out.  Days I have just had enough.  Days that I sit and think I can't do this anymore.  I can't be the adult.  Days I don't want to be the adult.  Days I don't want to the responsible party.  Days I wish the burden didn't fall squarely on my shoulders all the time.

No one prepares you for parenthood.  I had the naive notion that mother hood was going to be the best thing in the world.  While it is, it is also the hardest and most frustrating thing in the world.  Your entire life changes. For the better most days, but some days I feel like I am losing it.  Losing control of everything.  Am I doing a disservice to my kids?  Am I doing enough for them?

I guess as the year comes to a close, another year gone.  In the blink of an eye.  I look back to where I was a year ago, and where I am now.  So much has changed.  I am a stronger person in some sense, but I am also a weaker person too.  I have faults, and I am learning that is ok.  I do not have to be perfect.  I have to stop trying to be something I am not.  I fully admit, I get jealous easily, I am not always the kindest person in the world.  I make mistakes.  I take people for granted at times.  I take friendships and family for granted.

At the end of the day, all I can hope for is that people know I am trying my best to be the best version of myself.  I might not always succeed, but I try. I fail. I get up and dust myself off and try again.

My hope for this coming year is to get back to me.  To get myself back and feeling good.  To get back to the girl that would walk 3 miles in a snow storm, because she liked it.  Because she was so conditioned to doing it.  I am going to try to be more patient with the kids, and with others.  I am going to try to appreciate what I have and not get jealous of what I don't have.  I am going to try to see me as others see me, not in the warped and twisted way I see myself.

It's a tall order, and I might not succeed, but that's ok.  At least I am trying.

Happy New Year to all.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy and safe new year!

Reality Checks....

You know when you know something but to hear the words spoken out loud, still has an earth shattering effect on you?

This is what happened to me last week.  I knew my sweet little boy had Aspergers.  I knew from watching the struggles of his older brother, that he was exhibiting the same signs.  He had been diagnosed already with Sensory Processing Disorder, but I still had a feeling in my gut that he had Aspergers as well.

Last week, my gut feeling was confirmed.  I met with his team at school to go over the results of his neuropsych evaluation.  I had read the evaluation results, but they were way above me.  It was a gut check to hear the interpreted results.  The good - my boy is super smart.  Off the charts smart in some areas.  This I knew.  I knew how intelligent he is.  All of my kids are.  I am blessed in that way.  The not so good - he is deficient in certain areas.  Again, I knew this.  In some instances he is on both extremes.  One off the charts high and something else, close to off the charts, low.  The bad - if it walks, like a duck, talks like a duck, it is a duck.  Those were the words spoken to me.

The words that shake you to the core.  Your child has autism.  He has Aspergers.  The eval doesn't say that directly, but it rated him in the high probability.

My child has a label now - Autism.

I am fine with him being labeled.  It helps him to get services he needs.  It pushes services through faster.  He is getting the much needed help he has been missing.

Say what you will about where I live and the schools my kids attend (I think they are top notch), I witnessed something that was truly amazing.  My son's teacher close to tears because she felt like she failed him.  She was so upset that she couldn't help him they way he needs to be helped.  She has tried so many strategies, but he requires a bit more than she can provide with the 25 other kids in her class.

My older son has had his share of teachers that just turned a blind eye to his disability.  They labeled him, but not with the Autism label, they labeled him as a Discipline problem.

To witness first hand the angst my sons teacher had over the fact that he now has to be pulled out for a part of the day to spend time in the PDD special ed room was so moving.

As a parent, I feel like I failed my kids.  Both of my boys have a form of Autism.  I can't help but feel like it is somehow my fault.  I have said this before, and I will say it again and again....  I have NO idea if the drugs I took to  have my babies, have caused them this condition.  There is no research supporting it either way.  I know without my taking these drugs, they wouldn't be here.  But I can't help but feel guilty for the struggles in life they will have.  That it's my fault.  Both of my boys have a form of Autism.

Yes, I know we are extremely lucky.  My kids are very high functioning.  They are "normal" for the most part.  Their issues have a lot to do with the social-emotional aspect.  They don't know how to maintain self control.  To the outside world, the people that don't know them, all they see are out of control kids.  Discipline problems.  It's a struggle they will have to face their entire lives.

As I have said before, I am fortunate to live where I live.  My kids get amazing support from their schools.  Sitting in and watching and listening to B's team, amazes me.  They WANT to help him.  They WANT to see him succeed. They are trying to give him the skills that he will need in life.  I sit in awe of what they are willing to do to help my son. I spoke of how it took a long time for G to get  his diagnosis.  It was the end of 3rd grade for him, he had an awful 4th grade year because the teachers didn't want to believe the diagnosis.  The Principal said, well I am glad we caught B early.  The earlier we can start therapies with him, the better.  She wasn't the principal when G was in 3rd and 4th grade.  She was new to the school last year as Asst. Principal, and got the job when the former Principal left.  She is truly an asset to the school.  It is nice to see her present in the meetings, she knows my kids, she knows their struggles, she is able to spot the signs of a meltdown.  It helps me to know that I am sending my kids to a place, while it is scary for me to do, but it is comforting to know that there is a team of people that are there to support him and not punish him.  G struggled for years with people not understanding him.  I didn't understand him.  I wasn't sure what was going on.  Teachers, for legal reasons, can't say too much about how your children are.  I do remember G's second grade teacher, one time asking me if I had ever had him tested for Autism.  I said no, why, she said oh no reason.  and then she dropped it.  I had NO idea this was her way of telling me she saw something.  But she couldn't say it.

G is in a new school this year, and that is scary as well.  He has been doing great for the most part, but there are still the adjustments that have to be made.  I met with his team last week as well.  They are truly a great support system.  they want to give him the skills to succeed in life.

I am in awe of their dedication to their profession and to helping my child.

It takes a village to raise a child.  I never really got that saying.  But now I know what it means.  And I am forever grateful to the people in my boys lives.  My family that is always there for them and me, no matter what.  My sister that sits by my side at all the meetings.  Offering support and advice and opinions.  She can sometimes convey things that I have a hard time getting out.  I cannot thank her enough for being there.  She helps me keep it together when I am about to fall apart.  The teachers and administrators at both kids schools.  To see B's teacher almost break down in tears and say she is sorry she has failed my child.  I can't ask for anything better than that.  That is dedication to your job.  That is commitment to my kids.  And I thank her so much for that.  For knowing what she is and isn't capable of.

I know I am lucky and I am forever grateful for the opportunities at a "normal" life my kids will have.  They will learn the skills that will make life not so tough for them.

Inclusion… Exclusion…

Tomorrow marks the first day of school. The first day of school for me growing up, always brought butterflies to me. It was a time of new beginnings, a time to get back in touch with my friends, a new school year. I loved school. I loved learning, and I got really good grades. I was a model student. I was the student that when my parents came to parent-teacher nights, the teacher would always say, I don't know why you show up, you don't need to. My parents got a lot of I wish the rest of my students were like Michelle. I wish they were as smart and focused. I applied myself, I didn't cause trouble or make waves. I was the round peg fitting in to the round hole. I was "normal".

The kids that marched to their own drum, were put in a separate class room. They were segregated from the general population. Only allowed to be part of the group for gym. They were kids that were differently abled than I was. We were taught to be afraid of these kids. Some of them had "problems", they didn't learn like the norm. They had outbursts, they couldn't focus, they had problems. I remember the classroom was across from mine. These kids were paraded around as the bad seeds. The kids no one knew what to do with because they didn't quite fit in with the general population. These kids were only allowed in the school because law states they needed an education. I have no idea what went on in this classroom. I don't know what the teachers taught them, or how they taught them. I just know they were not allowed to be in the general public. It was like we were living in the south and there was a special place for them, they weren't allowed to be part of the rest of the population. I am surprised there wasn't a special bathroom for them, no one wants to catch what they had. I think the feeling was if the regular kids were around this group, we would some how become dumb. We would catch their issues. What were their issues? Who knows. I know I don't. These were the kids that were labeled by the school as stupid. The ones that were discipline problems because they didn't fall in line easily. They were the ones that challenged the system. When people are different, we are afraid of them. We don't know how to relate. We weren't given the opportunity to befriend these kids. They were kept away from us.

Progress has been made in the education system. Most schools practice something called Inclusion. They put differently abled kids in the general population mix. Kids with autism, aspergers, dyslexia, etc are no longer shunned to a special room all day and treated differently. They are now allowed to sit freely with their peers. They are allowed to learn in a regular classroom. They are seen for the people that they are, not for their disability. They are no longer defined by the stigma of being in special ed. I love the idea of Inclusion. For selfish reasons because I am the mother of 2 kids that are differently abled. I think back to how school was for me growing up, and realize that my two boys would have been put in that special classroom. My two brilliant boys would have been segregated. They wouldn't have the opportunities they have. They wouldn't be able to excel in a regular classroom environment as they can now.

It saddens me when I hear parents say they are not happy that their kids will be in an inclusion classroom. I have 3 kids. One of them is what is called a model student. She is fortunate to not have any disabilities. She is placed in the class to help the kids that have disabilities learn. My kids are fortunate because the stigma of special ed and being different are taken away. All the students learn from eachother. My boys are prone to meltdowns, not because they are discipline problems, but because there is something inside them that is wired differently. My oldest son has aspergers. He is wired different. He can excel in some subjects, but others, forget it. He has a complete mental block. He has something internal that blocks him from it. He is learning how to manage it, but he will never be cured of it. There will forever be certain things that completely cause him to have meltdowns. Do you know how hard it is for me to let him go into the world? Do you have any idea how much angst I carry around with me, knowing that my sweet loving child will be the target of bullies? That because he sometimes cannot control his emotions, he will be picked on and ridiculed. It is even more difficult this year because he will be in middle school. Elementary wasn't as bad because he has been in classrooms with kids he has known since he was 5. These kids grew up with him, they accepted his limitations, they were there to lend a hand or a shoulder when he started to meltdown. They were the kids that would pat him on the shoulder and say, it's going to be ok. Had this been back when I was in elementary school, he would have been in the other room. He wouldn't have had the chance to meet the friends he did. He would have been with another group. Segregated from the general population. His friends knew that there were things that caused him stress and they could help him when they saw how he would melt down. Of course there were the mean kids that would make fun of him for it. But they were the kids that didn't understand what was going on with him. He knows he is different than other kids. Don't you think he wishes he was the same? I know selfishly that I wish he was. That life would be easier for both of us. I hate that I feel that way, but I admit, sometimes I do. Some days I am not sure I can handle this. But then I think, I am not the one that has to live this way. I am not the one that has to navigate a world where people can be harsh.

My younger son has Sensory Processing Disorder. He has problems both internally and externally. He gets it coming and going. Most people have one or the other. He has been "blessed" with both. Life will be hard for him. Picture yourself not being able to effectively filter out all of the stuff that goes on around you. That thoughts and feelings are being hurled at you a million miles an hour and you need to pick out what is relevant. Think of all the back ground noise that you are able to push aside and not even notice. He can't do that. This causes meltdowns for him. He gets overwhelmed. He needs to remove himself from situations, he needs to learn self soothing techniques. I know some parents look at him while he is melting down and think, oh god, here he goes again. I know there are parents that don't want their kids around mine. That he is a trouble maker, a discipline problem. That he is just having outbursts because he doesn't want to do something. They have no idea what he goes through, and they don't care to know. They just look at him and are ready to write him off. They are the parents that don't want their kids near mine. They don't see him for the highly intelligent, sweet loving boy that he is. The little boy that knows more about science and geography than I do. The little boy that can go to a map and tell you where states and countries are, as well as what their capitals are. But he has problems functioning when the class is too noisy, or directions to something are too long. He has a different learning style. He is getting OT and speech services. He sees a therapist to help him handle situations and teach him how to navigate a world that can be cruel.

My kids will always be the square peg trying to fit in the round hole. They will never fall in line. But because of the services that are available to them, they are fortunate to be a part of the regular daily curriciulum. They are allowed to participate in the general education setting, they are allowed to participate in school events, they are allowed to be a part of the community.

Do they require special attention at times. Yes, of course they do. People need to realize that they are not the only ones that need this. Your perfect child at times will need extra help. There is no need to be afraid of kids that are differently abled. If you stop and think about it, my kids will actually help your kids in the long run. They will be taught how to be tolerant of others that are not exactly like them. They will not look on with disgust when another kid has an uncontrollable melt down. They will not roll their eyes, or sigh under their breath. They will learn that maybe they can lend a hand when something happens.

I know that I live in a poorer community. My city has a stigma attached to it. I live in a very diverse and urban area. And I love it. I love that my kids are exposed to all types of kids, abilities, religions, nationalities. I love that my kids are color blind. They see people for who they are, not anything else. It's pretty sad when you see a kid that looks someone up and down. A child that passes judgement before they even meet the person. So my kids don't have the most expensive clothes, we don't live in an affluent neighborhood, we don't have a ton of disposable income. I do have to say my kids are well adjusted. They are not afraid to meet new people, people of different ethnicities or abilities. They are social well adjusted kids. They are quick to smile at other people, to engage them in conversation. If they see someone that looks shy, they will go up to them and try to make them feel welcome. They like to include everyone and not exclude them. I think a lot this comes from not only how I am raising them, but from their school environment. I am so fortunate that schools my kids attend have so many programs available to them. The schools are brand new and top notch. There is a real sense of community. My differently abled kids can get a lot of services in house that they need. It is because of this that they can be integrated and included with the general population. I am forever grateful for this.

Life is hard enough without subjecting kids to stigmas. Kids are a clean slate. They do not have prejudices. They are taught that. I am so proud of my boys for how they handle themselves, for learning how to manage what life has dealt them, I am proud of my daughter for being there to help other kids, for being a model student for those that need the extra help. I am so proud of her for wanting to be involved with everyone.

My boys lives will never be easy. They will forever fight this battle. There is no cure for what they have. They have to learn to deal with what is thrown their way. They will be judged and ridiculed by others that don't understand. I can only ask for tolerance from others. I know that some people will never understand what it means to have a kid with special needs. I can only hope that people stop and give my kids a chance. Give your kids a chance to be around kids that are differently abled. Don't be so quick to pull them out of a classroom or a school that participates in an inclusion program. You are doing yourself and your kids a disservice. I have heard people say they are worried about their kids being in an inclusion environment. That their kids wont get the attention they need because the teachers will be busy tending to these other kids. And while it is semi true, the kids sometimes do require a little bit of coaxing or attention, but your kid will not be dumbed down by being around my kids. And just because you know me and say that you weren't talking about my kids. Well in essence you are. You can't have it both ways. My kids are special ed kids, they are integrated in a classroom with regular, normal, perfect kids. When you say you are worried about your kids being around special ed kids, you mean my kids and I take offense to it. My kids aren't perfect and they never will be. They will always carry a stigma with them. Trust me, they know everyday of their lives that they are different. Try having your 6 year old or 11 year old come to you and tell you that they know they are different. That kids are mean to them because they had an outburst they couldn't control. Come over to my house when they are crying and I have to tell them that everything is going to be ok, when in truth I don't know if it will be. I know kids are mean and cruel, and that comes from their parents.

I can only hope that you never have to experience what it is like to be the parent of a kid with special needs. I try so hard to protect my kids. But I can only do so much.

And for the first time in as many years as I can remember, my son says he is excited about starting school. This is huge for us. I am so proud of him, and even when I am frustrated with him, and he with me, he knows that I am there for him, to fight the good fight. To educate people on tolerance. He is going to an entirely different school. A place in which neither of us know any of the players involved. I am proud of my son for how much he has had to endure over the past few years. He has had teachers that didn't understand him and his disability, that chose not to believe in the diagnosis. He has had to over come being picked on by teachers and students alike. Yes unfortunately there are still teachers that are not tolerant, but the number of excellent teachers he has had far outweighs the couple of bad ones he has had.

So in closing, I tip my hat to my kids. I wish them a successful school year. And am confident that no matter what is thrown their way, they will learn to handle it. I am so proud of my kids.

 

Letting go...

It's an interesting thing that happens when you realize that what you use to know is not what you presently know.  Confusing.. Yes, I know.  But bare with me.  I might be able to explain myself (although, don't count TOO much on that).

Since Oct 93 I was part of a couple.  It was Michelle and Dana. With this came an inherited family.  A family that I watched grow and expand. We added members, we lost members, we created a life, a family.  We were a unit.  I was part of the Roberts Clan.

The relationship came to a halt in Nov 07.  14 years worth of being part of someones family.  A family I was part of.  I struggled with not only losing my marriage (yes, it was what I wanted and needed to do, but still its a struggle) but losing an entire part of my family with that.  Everyone was in agreement that just because it was no longer Michelle and Dana, we were all still family.  And they are my family.  They are my kids relatives. I am forever tied to them.  I was niaeve to think that I would still be able to have the same relationship that I had with them.  While I tried to and they tried to, there was a shift.  It is only natural.  Especially not being married in to the family.  My role as Mrs Roberts was passed on to someone else.  They had a new family member.  I was now relegated to the mother of the kids, as the ex wife.  

Having not seen half of Dana's family in a good 3 years, I didn't realize how big the space had gotten.  I recently attended a spa day with all of my sisters in law (well now ex) and my ex husbands new wife.  While I knew it would be awkward, what I didnt realize was how strange it was going to be.  I was not part of their lives anymore, and they were not part of mine either.   It became apparent that sometimes relationships just change and fade away. 

I have great memories to take with me of my time with them.  But it is clear to me now that it is time to let go and move on.  

This past weekend I also attended a bbq to celebrate my ex and his new wifes nuptials.  This time more of the family was there.  My BF and I sat at the same table with them to eat our food.  It is then when I really realized that my time in the Roberts Family Fold was over.  I was no longer part of that family.  And while I am sure they didn't realize what they were doing, they were pushing me away.  I sat amongst them, and while I had been in their lives since 93, 18 years of being part of someones family, I felt like a stranger.  I could have been any other party guest that didn't know this group of people.  Just someone looking for an empty space to sit and eat.  

This is when I fully realized that it was time to let go.  That my life has changed and I have changed and their lives have changed as well.  We are all moving on and forward with our lives.  It is not a bad thing.  it just is.  

Does it make me sad, yes.  I tend to hang my hat on what I know.  And I knew this family, they were my family for so long.  But now I sit there and feel like a complete stranger around people I spent almost half my life with.  It was pretty surreal. 

You don't realize how much things change in the wake of a divorce.  As much as you try to hold on to some sort of semblance of what you knew, there comes a point when you need to completely let go.  

I will always maintain a relationship with Dana's family.  We will forever be bound by my children.  It is just the relationships have changed.  and that is ok.  

So I close this post in saying a big thank you to the Roberts family for welcoming me into your family all those years ago.  For loving me and letting me be a part of your family.  I have a lot of memories of our time together, some happy, some sad.  We have been there through marriages, divorces, births, deaths.  You will all always occupy a space in my heart.  

Thank you for loving me.  

A quote that touches home

I saw this quote today and it really touched home.



"No one has the right to judge you, because no one really knows what you have been through. They might have heard the stories, but they didn't feel what you felt in your heart." ~Unknown



I have been victim of people feeling they had the right to judge me and my
lifestyle, especially over the last couple of years. After having been in a long term relationship and marriage, my world was turned upside down. My husband admitted to indiscretions and so I decided to end the relationship. I have been through alot since Nov 2007. I have had to reassess everything in my life. I had to make hard decisions, I have had to watch my kids struggle. I have struggled myself with personal and professional relationships. I lost my job. I nearly lost my house. I have lost friends in the process. People that you confide everything in. I lost myself before and after my marriage broke up. I didnt know what I was going to do in my life or with my life. And I struggled everyday to build my life back, to get myself back, to get meaning back. I always kept my eye on the prize, which was to keep my kids from suffering too much. It was hard at first, and it is still hard when they ask the tough questions. But we have or are in the process of settling into a nice routine.
It is my wish that no one has to go through the pain of divorce and reevaluation. That no one has to know what it feels like to lose everything you knew for the last 13 years. To start from scratch. A little bit older and with three kids in tow. I put up a good front.  I sometimes acted like things didn't bother me.  Or I had the oh well, whatever, cavalier attitude.  I couldn't let people see how much I was hurting.  I couldn't let people know that I was broken.  I did alot of things that I am not 100% proud of.  I drank a bit too much, I "dated" maybe a bit too much for some peoples likings.  I hid a lot of pain and didn't talk too much about the divorce and the process.  People are uncomfortable with divorce and its aftermath.  What happens after.  I was the single friend there to take out my married friends and make them reevaluate their relationships.  I was not at the same station in life as my friends anymore.  People couldn't relate to me and what it was like to be single after so many years of being part of someone else.  Here I was dipping my foot back in to the dating world, while my friends were celebrating wedding anniversaries.  The anniversaries I started celebrating were dating anniversaries.  1 week, 2 weeks, a month, 3 months.  It all must have seemed so trivial on the outside.  No one can understand what it's like to go back out in the dating world after 13 years of being part of a couple.  I got my heart broken and my head played with more times than I care to share.  And through it all, I had 3 little people that were looking to me for guidance and direction.  I had to keep it together for them. If not always for myself, I needed to be there for them.  I didn't have the luxury of checking out.  I got the time to myself when they were either spending the night at their fathers house or when they were asleep.  Those were the times when I was alone that I would sit and cry.  I would sit and try to figure out what the hell was going on.  How was I going to survive this.  And this was bigger than me.  This wasn't just about me being a single gal.  This was about me being a single mother.  I had a  house to run, kids to take care of.  And add in the fact that I have 2 kids with special needs.  It's a wonder I made it through this in one piece.

People make mistakes, people change, feelings get hurt. I know I went out and got a little crazy at times. I am happy to say that my family and some friends had enough love and respect for me to stand up and say.. Whoa... wait a minute. What's going on. They pointed out some behaviors that definitely weren't my finest hours. And while it hurt at the time to hear it. No one really wants to hear that they are doing something wrong. I knew at times my actions were not the best. But I always owned up to them. If I made a mistake or I hurt someone, I made sure to apologize. To let them know that it was never my intention. I have always tried to live my life to the best of my ability. To empower people when I could. To lend an ear when needed. To do whatever it took. It saddens me that not all people act the same. I guess some people are just natural takers. I am a giver. I have a hard time with accepting help. I try not to assign blame. I live my life the best I can. Yes, sometimes I am not so great at it. Sometimes I just downright suck as a person. I have been guilty of participating in gossip, of saying things that I probably shouldn't have said. Of expressing my opinion when perhaps it should have just remained in my own thoughts. I am guilty of it. I am hypocritical. I can point out things that are wrong in other peoples lives without having that insight into my own. But I am learning. I am learning to change my behaviors. I know that my actions have a ripple effect. What I say and do does not just affect me. It affects the ones that are around me. The ones I love.


It is hard to admit when you are wrong. I know I have had trouble with it. But I would do it. And I am sure I have wronged people. I am not a perfect person. I never will be. And that's ok. I put too much pressure on myself to be better than I am.


"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe



She sure had it right.

We're off to see the Wizard...

The wonderful wizard of oz....

My beautiful and amazingly talented daughter is finishing up the week in her first play.  She has done great. I am so proud of her.



I have always loved the story of the Wizard of Oz.   I remember as a kid watching it with my family.  Laying on the floor of the living room watching it together.  It makes me happy that my kids enjoy this movie as much as I do.

I love the story of the Wizard of Oz for what it teaches us about family and friendships.  We sometimes take these things for granted.  I know I do.  I take my family for granted.  Without them, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today.  They have supported me in everything. While I might not have always liked to hear what they have said to me, and about my actions, but they were always there for me no matter what.  They have loved me unconditionally.  Just because.  No ulterior motives, nothing.  When I have needed help with anything they were there.  There was no concept of, I will do this for you, but only if... or what can I get in return from you for doing that.  I am forever grateful to have such a supportive family.  And my friends.  I know I am lucky to have the friends I do.  While some friendships don't last, they are not meant to. I have my core group that love and support me.  I have had a difficult time over the past couple of years with learning who my true friends were, and what it meant to have them.  There are some relationships that do not stand the test of time. As much as you might want them to, someitmes they just end.  And I am learning that, that is ok.   I learned alot about the character of some of the people that I have confided in.  Only to find out that what I confided.  My deepest darkest secrets have been told to others.  And that hurts to find that out.  I have a hard time with trust.  My husband betrayed me and my trust.  And I have been working very hard to get trust back.  I guess I had only thought that a guy would betray me.  But when you find out that a friend, someone that you told your inner most secrets to, decides that its ok to tell those to someone else.  Well thats a big betrayal.  And I am not sure how easily it is to recover from that.  I will never get the person that feels the need to knock someone else down because it makes them feel better.  I guess I am still so naieve in life.  I expect people to live up to a certain standard, and I guess that is where I am wrong.  Not everyone reads from the same moral code book.  And that's fine.  To each his own.  I don't begrudge anyone, but please, just keep me out of your business.

Ok, so that was a bit off on a tangent.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head lately.  I have come to lots of realizations in the past few weeks.  Things that have shaken me yet again to my core.  Things that are causing me to re-evaluate a lot of things, people and relationships.

For now I need to go back to the simple things in life.  My family, my friends.  I  have so much good in my life that I sometimes fail to see it by all the negative that happens.

It has been such a nice week going to see my daughter and nephew in their first play.  watching them through practices.  Seeing them blossom into their roles.

I love watching the performances and listening to the message of the Wizard of Oz.  There is no place like home.

Some of the lessons learned in the play:

-Don't take your family for granted
-True friends will always have your back, no matter what.  Even in days/times it doesn't seem like it, but a true friend will always be there to stand up for you and guide you
-Courage - we are all braver than we think


I will close this post with a few of my favorite quotes:


A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others. 


Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 


If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.

In MY favor....

It is not often that things work out in my favor.... I know. I know..  Nice optimism you got going on there.  But it's true.  Monetarily, things do not tend to fall in my favor.  But I do have to say, this time it did.

Three years ago I purchased a laptop, and got the 3 year accidental warranty.  After almost 3 years of said laptop, and 3 kids that loved to eat and drink near the computer, even when they were told not to, the computer started acting up.  I brought it in with my warranty in hand. I figured it was almost at the end of the warranty and the least I could get was for them to fix the broken keyboard, and the sticking trackpad, oh and not to mention the drive kept sticking as well.  I figured they would just replace the broken pieces.

Well the sum of its parts, was greater than the value.... and lo and behold.  I scored myself a brand spanking new laptop.  Woo hoo! 

So now I am coming to you live from this baby:



It's a beauty! I made sure to get the accidental warranty on this baby too.

So my advice to you...   buy the accidental warranty. 

Now I am off to spill water on my other laptop that is acting up as well.  Let's see if I can get another brand spankin' new baby.  :)