I started writing this post back in January. It has been sitting in my drafts since then. I am not 100% sure why I abandoned the post. Why I felt it wasn't worth actually posting. I guess sometimes I have blogger ADD. I typically don't post unless I have something to say. Unless I feel passionate about things that are going on in my life, or if I feel the need to work things out, by saying them "out loud". The blog is my closest way to say things that I have been mulling over or having problems with, without actually admitting things. Words, once said outloud, can't be taken back. You can't strike them from the record. When in a fight and you say things that are not so nice, but in the heat of the moment are meant to sting the other person, but after you think about it, realize that you didn't "really" mean them. So not "really" meaning them, that doesn't erase that they were said. That somewhere deep down, these feelings are just sitting there. Waiting to surface. Waiting for the appropriate time to be let out. And that is usually in the heat of the moment. I know I have said many things in the heat of the moment, that I sometimes wish I hadn't said. I know people that continue to spit venom when they are angered. They continue to say the same degrading things in the heat of the moment. At what point, do we just let that go? How many times can we keep saying, well they were just heated, and didnt mean it. I wonder about this. alot. Having been victim to it, I often wonder, how much of what is spat in the heat of the moment, is true? I am also guilty of doing this as well. I know I can use words to cut people. It's a virtual slap. But what isn't realized is that sting that remains from words, is much more powerful than that which is left from a slap.
I have to say I am most guilty of cutting people down when I am hurt or upset. The "funny" thing is the person I cut down the most is ME. I am so quick to put myself down, to think everything is my fault. I have arguments with myself over my self worth, my parenting skills, my relationship skills. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.
I guess this leads in to the post below, and thinking about perspectives. I know its not the best segue into the posting. I am sure I started it and abandoned it because i didn't feel it was worth posting. But it is still relevant. And it makes me wonder how much progress I am making in my life. That a post I wrote a good 6 months ago is still relevant. That I am still sitting here questioning the behaviors that initiated the post.
Life is all about perspective.
What's the reality for one person, might not be the reality for the other. I guess it comes down to know your audience.
My friends now 8yo son is battling cancer. I feel guilty when I complain that my kids are being pains in the ass. This is not a big deal. My kids are fortunately healthy. I am sure she would give anything to be in my shoes. To have her 3 kids home together fighting, as long as they were all healthy. But to me in that moment.. I think my god.. I can't deal with this anymore. I know from following the updates that she feels that way about her sons cancer. How can I complain about my life, when she has a son fighting for his.
It's about perspective. at that moment, that I am in it.. its the worst thing to me.
I complain about not having money, that I am broke. I hear a lot of others with the same gripe. I am a single income family. Trying to raise 3 kids, keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs. As well as trying to still allow them to be kids and to get rewarded for things. It's tough. I hear people that are clearly not in the same boat as me complain that they are broke. It's hard to sit and hear it. It's hard when you have to make the decision over do I pay the gas bill or put food on the table this week. I know there are people that are worse off than me. I have a good job. It pays well. It's just hard being a one income family. I know it's about perspective. And that in that moment, you think your problems are bigger than they really are.
I try to keep my complaints in check. I know there are people that would kill to have what I have. Three healthy amazing children that love to fight with eachother and test their waters with me. Enough money to be able to live in a house and not in a car.
Do I wish that I had more and didn't struggle. yes. I do. Everyday I wish that I had enough money to pay off my credit cards, or not have to charge them up more on basic necessities. At the end of the day, I got myself in to this position and I need to figure out how to get myself out of it.
It's just hard when you work and struggle and then look around and hear complaints that others are broke. I guess in their eyes and their minds, they are "broke". And "broke" means different things to different people. but it's the know your audience. Understand that when you are saying you are broke, and that you mean you are broke because you can't afford the $100 throw pillows, as opposed to your debit card gets declined because your child support payment hasnt cleared and you can't afford to buy the $40 in groceries. There's a fine line between "broke" and broke. I am completely guilty of this. As a good friend pointed out. I do have a tendency to say I am broker than broke. It is true, I am not. I have a bit (and an ever dwindling bit now) in stocks and 401ks. I was fortunate that I did have the means to be able to cash in a 401k that I used to save my house from foreclosure. I know some people don't even have that luxury. While it sucked to have to do that, I was able to see a positive to cashing in a 401k. I took the remaining money and paid down a good chunk of my credit cards. Three of them are paid off and I am now well on the way to paying down the last one. I am not using the credit cards like I had been, I am using my debit card now and making better choices.
So yes, I too need to learn to watch what I say and to know my audience. My whole life I have spent never trying to hurt or offend anyone intentionally. And you dont always realize what gets said, and especially in front of whom you are saying it. I hadnt realized that in saying I couldn't afford something in front of someone that is struggling more than I am, hurt her. I was meaning that while I could afford it (because really if you want something that bad, you figure out a way to get it) it was not something that was important enough for me to spend my limited funds on. I tend to generalize. So to me, spending a chunk of my limited funds was not something I was prepared to do, so I took the easy way out and said I was broke. When I should have said it's not something that was worth it. I do have to be better at choosing what I want to spend my money on, or I will end up back in the situation I was just in.
So in closing. I am trying to be more aware of what I say, and where I say it, and how I say it. And in the heat of the moment, to try to count to 10 or 5 or 4 or even 1 before I say something that can never get taken back.
