Innocence lost...

Finally, the weather is getting nicer.. The groundhog saw his shadow..  Spring is on it's way.  I am hoping the funk/fog I  have been in is going to start lifting as well.

It is said that Spring is time of new beginnings.  It's a season of rebirth.  It's a time of reflection, a time to start fresh. 

After spending most of the winter trapped in the house, I have done a lot of reflecting on life, my life.

I had an epiphany the other day.  After finally getting to get out of the house and  having some nice girl conversation I realized something.  I was talking about my current relationship and while it is going great, I still am always waiting for that other shoe to drop.  I don't want to make long range plans, it scares the shit out of me.  Heck, I bought my guy a birthday gift 2 months in advance and I was freaking out.  His bday is in 10 days. I have had his present for almost 2 months exactly.  I have been bursting at the seams with holding on to this.  I bought him tickets to the Bruins.  I bought the tickets in December, his bday is at the end of February and the game isnt until April.  Yes.  I know, this sounds silly, but it scares the shit out of me to make plans that are that far in the future.  I know..  I know..  4 months, is not really future, but to me it is.  

I was never like this.  I use to make plans.  Long range plans.  Plan vacations, plan whatever with someone I was seeing.  Never giving it a second thought.  Since the end of my marriage, the innocence and excitement of planning has been lost.  Trust is lost.  Trust for myself, trust for others.  I know it's a sad and sorry way to live, and I am working on building back trust with people. 

My epiphany was this...  My loss of innocence on my relationship is similar to those that have lost a child and get pregnant again.  You are constantly living on edge, waiting for something to happen, its hard to sit back and relax and enjoy the life you are creating.  This is how I am in my relationship.  I am constantly living on edge, waiting for something to happen.  I have a hard time just going with it. 

I never "technically" lost a baby.  I went through many many rounds of IUIs and IVFs.  Each time the procedure failed was like miscarrying.  When I finally did get pregnant, I was deemed high risk.  I couldn't sit back and enjoy pregnancy.  I was constantly worried.  Worried that everytime I went to the bathroom, I would be bleeding.  I went on to have two easy and successful pregnancies.  I went on to deliver 3 healthy beautiful children.  But there was always that sense of doom that followed me.  I wouldn't tell anyone I was expecting until 13 - 16 weeks along.  I was so afraid to let anyone in on the secret.  So afraid I would jinx myself.

I realized while chatting with my friend, that I am handling my relationships the same way.  I know when I was dating (and I did a lot of dating...) I wouldn't talk about the relationship because I was afraid to jinx it.  I lost a lot of trust for myself and for others when my marriage ended.  Being betrayed by someone that you never in a million years thought would do that to you, was really hard to process.  I knew the marriage was over and it had been for some time, but the way it actually completely came undone, has caused me some severe damage. 

I have always felt like I wasnt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It's just the way I am.  I know that I am all of those things and so much more.  I am learning how to trust myself enough to believe these things.  When you have low self esteem and then the one person you relied on in your life to be trustworthy, betrays that trust, well it really does a number on you.   Add to that dating a bunch of guys that were preying on my vulnerability, and you have a recipe for disaster. 

I fully admit to self sabotaging.  I do this.  I know.  If things are going well, I can invent things to make them fall off track, just so I can say.. hmmph.. I told you so.  It's a defense mechanism.  I don't actually have to be fully present in my life or my relationships.  I can exist on the periphery.  I can be part of the relationship without truly letting  myself go.  Because if I keep people at arms length, then I can't get hurt right?  WRONG.  You still get hurt.  But you get hurt in a different way. 

So I guess what I am thinking is this..  I need to learn to just go with it.  Sit back, relax and enjoy it.  I have limited control over this relationship.  I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and how I act and react to situations.  I can only control my own crazy and keep that in check.  I can sit back and relax and enjoy the ride wherever that may take me, or I can sit on the edge of my seat, looking for something to go wrong, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

In the end the outcome will be the same.  If it ends, it's going to hurt.  My choice is do I sit there waiting to see if it ends, and then look back and think, hmmm.. I really could have enjoyed the time I had, or do I just push aside the doubt, and enjoy it. 

I am voting for the latter.  I wish I could get back that innocence of when you just planned things in advance.  like I said I am getting better at this.  We have plans on the weekends in March and April.  Going away again in May.  I am actively making plans for us.  I am thinking more longer term.  This excites me and scares me. 

My guy calls me Ms. Negativity.  I tell him I am not negative (altho sometimes I fully admit.. I am..) I am a Realist.  I don't look at the glass as half empty or half full, I just look at the glass, and see it for what it is, not what it isn't or what it could be. 

I have a lot of work to do on myself.  I still have the self doubt.  I am not sure I can ever fully get over that.  I still have the loss of innocence with my relationships.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  Remember the good that I have to offer. 

Taking a page from Stuart Smalley:  I am smart enough, I am good enough, and dammit.. people like me.. :) 

I look at this picture and it makes me smile...  I see the smile on my guy's face.. and knowing I put that there..  well..  ;)