Yes. That's me. G.A.C.
What is G.A.C. you might ask.. Guilty As Charged. I have an admission. I have used this blog to admit a lot of really and truly personal stuff. I have seen the purpose of this blog to explore feelings and emotions that I was too afraid or ashamed to admit out loud. I have always used this blog to try to get the core and the root of whom I am, and who I want to be. I've put out there where I have been and where I am going. I have listed my missteps (I almost wrote "mistakes", but I changed it, no mistakes.. no regrets...) and my successes.
This might be the hardest thing I have had to admit. But I feel that I need to put it out there. Put it in to the universe. Throw it out, see what happens with it. Once you admit to something, you can't take it back. Once the words leave your lips, once your truth is out there, it cannot be stricken from the record. It can't be taken back. There is no erasing it. It is there. It exists. For the world, for the universe to see.
Why put this out the there. Why let this admission in to the universe? Why should I go there? Because I feel that admitting things, putting them in the the universe, putting them in print, on my blog, will help me to understand it.
I have been struggling with this for a while. The thoughts that keep bubbling up to the surface. The feelings that I keep trying to push down. It just doesn't make any sense. This can't be me. Can it? Have I secretly been holding this in? Afraid to put it out in the universe. Afraid for people to see the truth? Does this admission change who I am? How I am viewed by others? I am sure some people will embrace it, and others will cast looks of disdain. I am sure there will be whispers and how could she. Is it true?
I have been struggling with it for a little bit now. Not knowing where to go with it. Not knowing how to process this feeling.
It's time to rip the bandaid off. It's time to stand here, exposed. It's time to admit to my faithful followers. A realization. After some soul searching. I need to just take a deep breath. And just let it go. Put it out there.
Judge me as you will after the admittance. But this is me. This is who I am, or who I have become.
So here goes...
I
Like
COUNTRY MUSIC....
Phew.. That wasn't so bad. But it's hard. I got a new radio in my car, and it had a country station preprogrammed. I have been flipping through the stations and find myself stopping more often than not. I am particularly liking Keith Urban. His songs are really deep and beautiful, and he isn't bad to look at.
I particularly blame this song:
He has an amazing voice, and songs that are pretty deep. So I guess I am now "in to" Country? I don't know. I have always prided myself liking all types of music, but Country was an exception that I could never get my head around. Ok, so I did listen to Kenny Rogers growing up, listening to him in our van on Sunday drives. Singing along with my parents. Kenny will always hold a special place in my heart. He will always bring back fun happy memories of my childhood. I liked Randy Travis too. But I was never in to country. It was never my thing. But now. It seems I am starting to gravitate towards it.
Judge as you want. I won't make apologizes or hide from it. I am going to embrace it. I may even buy a bandana and a cowboy hat. :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Practice makes...
I know the old saying goes... Practice makes perfect... This is a saying I try to avoid like the plague in my house. We say.. Practice makes better. As a parent of a child that has Aspergers life for him can and will never be perfect. Part of having Aspergers is that in his mind he sees things one way, but can't always translate that to paper. This was a source of much frustration. Everyone would tell him that practice makes perfect. The idea of being perfect to him is black and white. You either ARE perfect or you're not. So that means you are either good or you're not. Kids with Aspergers tend to have perfectionist tendencies. You might never know it because they live their lives in a constant state of flux. They are constantly doing an internal battle. Telling them to be perfect will set them in to a tailspin. Asperger kids and adults lack the knack to be organized. I often wondered why my sons desk at school was a giant mess of papers, he could never find anything and was constantly getting in trouble from teachers for this. His therapist one day said, you see how his desk is, just a heap of papers and information thrown about? Yes I replied, thinking where is she going with this, this is part of the problem, he can't keep a clean desk. She gently said, picture that mess, but in your brain. Picture everything you have ever learned in your life, not organized in any fashion. Just a heap of information piled all around, floating around. "Normal" people can organize thoughts, they can compartmentalize what is the relevant information they need from what is useless. Asperger kids can't do this. They can learn to trick themselves in to it, but it's not natural for them. It can be why they obsess over one certain thing. My son had a love of all things Godzilla, he knew every single Godzilla character, who made the toys, what movies there were, he collected all the movies, a ton of toys, and countless facts. Obsessing over one thing, they have control over that thing. To them ALL the information about a favorite subject of theirs is useful. There is no need to sort and organize and file it away for a different time. ALL the information is useful.
I was thinking about this in terms of my home too. I don't have a perfect home. I never will. My furniture is old and falling apart, the walls still have crayon drawing remnants on them. Sticker art graces the walls where my kids thought we needed a pop of color. The rugs are screaming to be replaced as they are all stained with 11 years of living. Half of my windows don't have curtains, the blinds have been ripped by the cats. My room is strewn with clothes, both clean and dirty. There is too much dust on the entertainment center, the windows need a good cleaning. There are too many toys floating around everywhere. I could never win any awards for my decorating style.
With all this though, I know my kids are happy and healthy. They aren't the ones that are complaining about toys strewn about, no curtains on the windows. None of this bothers them. They don't need to live in the perfect house. They are happy to be in a house that is filled with love. The one that when you enter it, you immediately know kids live there. I guess we have cornered the "lived in" look.
Somedays I wish I lived in a McMansion. I wish I had the means to buy new furniture, fix the back door that is in desperate need of being replaced. Buy curtains for every room of the house, paint the walls, get a new carpet. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a single mom to 3 kids, that I am living on one income and that I guess I would much rather live where I live the life we have, enjoy the small things we can than have a new couch or new window treatments.
I admit I need to get better at the house upkeep. I need to not feel so overwhelmed when I walk through the door. I need to learn to purge some of the toys and the mess. I need to prioritize what is most important in the upkeep. Is it the new back door, new carpets, paint the walls, new furniture? If I sit and think about it I would say the door needs to be replaced first before I can get new carpet, because this defeats the purpose, and maybe before new carpet/flooring, the room could be painted. Then comes the new furniture.
I tell the kids all the time that I want to live in a grown up house. I don't want the toys invading all my space all the time.
Someday we will get there. For now we need to take it one day at a time.. and I need to always remember that practice makes better.. not perfect. No one should have to live up to the thought that things need to be perfect. To me, perfect is unattainable, perfect is something that no one can ever be. because the minute you get to where you think things are perfect, there is something that throws a wrench into that plan. There is no perfect life, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect child, there is no perfect relationship (altho don't tell my guy that....).
And what is perfect anyway? I see people that act like they have the perfect life. They portray that everything is perfect to people looking in from the outside. The wrapping is perfect, but at the end of the day, what lurks inside this perfect package is broken. It's a big old mess. I often wonder why people do this? Why portray that things are perfect? Is it done so that these people can feel superior to you? They get pride in making others feel inferior? Are they secretly jealous of your life. Of the love they can see. The love that comes from stickered walls, dirty faced kids, handprints on the windows, Popsicle wrappers strewn about. I lived the life where people thought I had the perfect relationship. The husband that adored me, the freedom to go out when I wanted to, the respect of a partner. What was never shown were the cracks that were on the inside. The cracks that became valleys, that became too big to overcome. When the marriage ended, it was a shock, because no one saw the cracks. They saw what I wanted them to see. They say the vase that Brady kids had glued back together. If they had stayed around a bit longer they would have noticed, that once the water was put into the vase, the cracks were evident. My advice is to let go of the image of perfect. Let people see the real story. The world would be a much better place if we all stopped pretending we were something we aren't.. If we stopped trying to be perfect, and aimed to be better.
I have enough internal struggle trying to be better than I am today, I can't put that much stress on me or my kids to be perfect.
I know this post is kind of all over the place (that's right people.. its not.. wait for it.. PERFECT...) . it's a lot like me though.. sometimes makes sense.. sometimes, not so much.
I was thinking about this in terms of my home too. I don't have a perfect home. I never will. My furniture is old and falling apart, the walls still have crayon drawing remnants on them. Sticker art graces the walls where my kids thought we needed a pop of color. The rugs are screaming to be replaced as they are all stained with 11 years of living. Half of my windows don't have curtains, the blinds have been ripped by the cats. My room is strewn with clothes, both clean and dirty. There is too much dust on the entertainment center, the windows need a good cleaning. There are too many toys floating around everywhere. I could never win any awards for my decorating style.
With all this though, I know my kids are happy and healthy. They aren't the ones that are complaining about toys strewn about, no curtains on the windows. None of this bothers them. They don't need to live in the perfect house. They are happy to be in a house that is filled with love. The one that when you enter it, you immediately know kids live there. I guess we have cornered the "lived in" look.
Somedays I wish I lived in a McMansion. I wish I had the means to buy new furniture, fix the back door that is in desperate need of being replaced. Buy curtains for every room of the house, paint the walls, get a new carpet. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a single mom to 3 kids, that I am living on one income and that I guess I would much rather live where I live the life we have, enjoy the small things we can than have a new couch or new window treatments.
I admit I need to get better at the house upkeep. I need to not feel so overwhelmed when I walk through the door. I need to learn to purge some of the toys and the mess. I need to prioritize what is most important in the upkeep. Is it the new back door, new carpets, paint the walls, new furniture? If I sit and think about it I would say the door needs to be replaced first before I can get new carpet, because this defeats the purpose, and maybe before new carpet/flooring, the room could be painted. Then comes the new furniture.
I tell the kids all the time that I want to live in a grown up house. I don't want the toys invading all my space all the time.
Someday we will get there. For now we need to take it one day at a time.. and I need to always remember that practice makes better.. not perfect. No one should have to live up to the thought that things need to be perfect. To me, perfect is unattainable, perfect is something that no one can ever be. because the minute you get to where you think things are perfect, there is something that throws a wrench into that plan. There is no perfect life, there is no perfect house, there is no perfect child, there is no perfect relationship (altho don't tell my guy that....).
And what is perfect anyway? I see people that act like they have the perfect life. They portray that everything is perfect to people looking in from the outside. The wrapping is perfect, but at the end of the day, what lurks inside this perfect package is broken. It's a big old mess. I often wonder why people do this? Why portray that things are perfect? Is it done so that these people can feel superior to you? They get pride in making others feel inferior? Are they secretly jealous of your life. Of the love they can see. The love that comes from stickered walls, dirty faced kids, handprints on the windows, Popsicle wrappers strewn about. I lived the life where people thought I had the perfect relationship. The husband that adored me, the freedom to go out when I wanted to, the respect of a partner. What was never shown were the cracks that were on the inside. The cracks that became valleys, that became too big to overcome. When the marriage ended, it was a shock, because no one saw the cracks. They saw what I wanted them to see. They say the vase that Brady kids had glued back together. If they had stayed around a bit longer they would have noticed, that once the water was put into the vase, the cracks were evident. My advice is to let go of the image of perfect. Let people see the real story. The world would be a much better place if we all stopped pretending we were something we aren't.. If we stopped trying to be perfect, and aimed to be better.
I have enough internal struggle trying to be better than I am today, I can't put that much stress on me or my kids to be perfect.
I know this post is kind of all over the place (that's right people.. its not.. wait for it.. PERFECT...) . it's a lot like me though.. sometimes makes sense.. sometimes, not so much.
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