Innocence lost...

Finally, the weather is getting nicer.. The groundhog saw his shadow..  Spring is on it's way.  I am hoping the funk/fog I  have been in is going to start lifting as well.

It is said that Spring is time of new beginnings.  It's a season of rebirth.  It's a time of reflection, a time to start fresh. 

After spending most of the winter trapped in the house, I have done a lot of reflecting on life, my life.

I had an epiphany the other day.  After finally getting to get out of the house and  having some nice girl conversation I realized something.  I was talking about my current relationship and while it is going great, I still am always waiting for that other shoe to drop.  I don't want to make long range plans, it scares the shit out of me.  Heck, I bought my guy a birthday gift 2 months in advance and I was freaking out.  His bday is in 10 days. I have had his present for almost 2 months exactly.  I have been bursting at the seams with holding on to this.  I bought him tickets to the Bruins.  I bought the tickets in December, his bday is at the end of February and the game isnt until April.  Yes.  I know, this sounds silly, but it scares the shit out of me to make plans that are that far in the future.  I know..  I know..  4 months, is not really future, but to me it is.  

I was never like this.  I use to make plans.  Long range plans.  Plan vacations, plan whatever with someone I was seeing.  Never giving it a second thought.  Since the end of my marriage, the innocence and excitement of planning has been lost.  Trust is lost.  Trust for myself, trust for others.  I know it's a sad and sorry way to live, and I am working on building back trust with people. 

My epiphany was this...  My loss of innocence on my relationship is similar to those that have lost a child and get pregnant again.  You are constantly living on edge, waiting for something to happen, its hard to sit back and relax and enjoy the life you are creating.  This is how I am in my relationship.  I am constantly living on edge, waiting for something to happen.  I have a hard time just going with it. 

I never "technically" lost a baby.  I went through many many rounds of IUIs and IVFs.  Each time the procedure failed was like miscarrying.  When I finally did get pregnant, I was deemed high risk.  I couldn't sit back and enjoy pregnancy.  I was constantly worried.  Worried that everytime I went to the bathroom, I would be bleeding.  I went on to have two easy and successful pregnancies.  I went on to deliver 3 healthy beautiful children.  But there was always that sense of doom that followed me.  I wouldn't tell anyone I was expecting until 13 - 16 weeks along.  I was so afraid to let anyone in on the secret.  So afraid I would jinx myself.

I realized while chatting with my friend, that I am handling my relationships the same way.  I know when I was dating (and I did a lot of dating...) I wouldn't talk about the relationship because I was afraid to jinx it.  I lost a lot of trust for myself and for others when my marriage ended.  Being betrayed by someone that you never in a million years thought would do that to you, was really hard to process.  I knew the marriage was over and it had been for some time, but the way it actually completely came undone, has caused me some severe damage. 

I have always felt like I wasnt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It's just the way I am.  I know that I am all of those things and so much more.  I am learning how to trust myself enough to believe these things.  When you have low self esteem and then the one person you relied on in your life to be trustworthy, betrays that trust, well it really does a number on you.   Add to that dating a bunch of guys that were preying on my vulnerability, and you have a recipe for disaster. 

I fully admit to self sabotaging.  I do this.  I know.  If things are going well, I can invent things to make them fall off track, just so I can say.. hmmph.. I told you so.  It's a defense mechanism.  I don't actually have to be fully present in my life or my relationships.  I can exist on the periphery.  I can be part of the relationship without truly letting  myself go.  Because if I keep people at arms length, then I can't get hurt right?  WRONG.  You still get hurt.  But you get hurt in a different way. 

So I guess what I am thinking is this..  I need to learn to just go with it.  Sit back, relax and enjoy it.  I have limited control over this relationship.  I can only be responsible for myself and my actions and how I act and react to situations.  I can only control my own crazy and keep that in check.  I can sit back and relax and enjoy the ride wherever that may take me, or I can sit on the edge of my seat, looking for something to go wrong, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

In the end the outcome will be the same.  If it ends, it's going to hurt.  My choice is do I sit there waiting to see if it ends, and then look back and think, hmmm.. I really could have enjoyed the time I had, or do I just push aside the doubt, and enjoy it. 

I am voting for the latter.  I wish I could get back that innocence of when you just planned things in advance.  like I said I am getting better at this.  We have plans on the weekends in March and April.  Going away again in May.  I am actively making plans for us.  I am thinking more longer term.  This excites me and scares me. 

My guy calls me Ms. Negativity.  I tell him I am not negative (altho sometimes I fully admit.. I am..) I am a Realist.  I don't look at the glass as half empty or half full, I just look at the glass, and see it for what it is, not what it isn't or what it could be. 

I have a lot of work to do on myself.  I still have the self doubt.  I am not sure I can ever fully get over that.  I still have the loss of innocence with my relationships.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  Remember the good that I have to offer. 

Taking a page from Stuart Smalley:  I am smart enough, I am good enough, and dammit.. people like me.. :) 

I look at this picture and it makes me smile...  I see the smile on my guy's face.. and knowing I put that there..  well..  ;)

My life.. My love...

It's not often that I get to bless you all with another post from me so soon. 

Yesterday was Valentine's day.  A day that was created to make single people feel terrible about their relationship status.  It's a day to profess your love for someone else.  I am not exactly sure why there is ONE day for that.  It's a day to pay double for cards, flowers, candy, etc.  The rush to get something your significant other would like.  It's commercialization at it's best. 

I admit that I use to be a sucker for Valentine's day.  All the cute little valentines you would pass out to eachother in school. I remember carefully selecting the appropriate Valentine to give to the boy I liked or to my best friends, etc.  It was a painful process.  I use to love creating valentines in school with red construction paper and doilies that I would fold and cut into a heart.  Ahh.. good times.. good times.  I love the little things the kids bring home.

I do hate how Valentine's day would make me feel when I was single.  Like I was less of a person for not having someone to share my love with.  Had I been wiser I would have realized that I had all I needed.  I always have all I need.  I had family and friends that loved me. 

On February 14, 2000, I got the best Valentine's day gift ever.  I gave birth to my first child.  As I sit here today, I sit in disbelief that this baby that came screaming in to the world is now 11.  He changed my life forever.  He made me a mother.  He taught me a lot of things.  How you can have such joy and frustration in your life.  Being a mother is a double edged sword, while it's rewarding, its also one of the most frustrating things in the world.  I have never sugar coated motherhood.  No one ever told me that with the joy, comes the pain.  Life is not always easy being a mother.  It's especially more difficult now being a single mother.  There are days when I seriously think I can't do this.  Days I want to check out of being a mother.  Shed the responsibility.  I mean half the time I have a hard time taking care of myself, how on earth can I be responsible for 3 others lives.  Yikes.  It's overwhelming. 

But...  then you hear the laughter and see the love.  I love when the kids climb up on my lap and just want to snuggle.  It doesnt happen as often as I would like it to, but it does happen.  Even after the frustration when there are screaming matches going on, and I am beyond my breaking point.  It takes only one little smile and an I am sorry Mom...  that it all comes flooding back.  The reason I became a mother.  The reason that I did all this fertility stuff to have these three precious babies.

I still sit in shock that my "baby" is 11.  Where has 11 years gone?  So many things have changed in 11 years.  I have a child that is on the cusp of becoming a teenager.  A child that is on the cusp of going to jr. highschool. 

My handsome big guy.  The love of my life.  I love you more than you can ever know.  You are my oldest child and will always have a special place in my heart for being my firstborn.  You are so much fun and sweet and so damn smart it scares me.  You have your share of problems, and I do not always do my best in helping you through the tough times.  What you go through on a daily basis is amazing.  You constantly fight an inner beast that no one but you can understand.  It frustrates me when I can't reach you and can't get you to let go of that inner fear and that inner beast.  You are so special in more ways than you can ever know.  You are so amazing and I am so proud to be your mother.  You have made me so happy.  My life has never been the same since you came into my life 11 years ago.  These 11 years have gone by in the blink of an eye.  I can only imagine the next 11 will go by just as fast. 

Sleeping soundly at 4 years old



Embracing his inner Revere-ness



Going to Kindergarten





5th grade.. yikes.. time sure does fly... 

When the mighty falls....

It's a weird time of year for me.  The month of February that is.  While it is filled with excitement because my "baby" will be turning 11 on Valentines day, it's also a month filled with sadness. 

19 years ago, Valentine's day was the last time that I saw my Nana alive.  She had been in the hospital for a few weeks, I went and visited her a few times, and the last time I did was on Valentine's day.  I was very selfish back then.  Had I known that would be the last time I would see her, I would  have gone to the hospital everyday.  She passed 12 days later.  How is it that in 12 days, I couldn't get myself to the hospital to see her.  It still pains me to this day.  19 years have passed.  I can't believe it.  It seems and feels like just yesterday.  I loved my Nana so much.  She was a huge part of who I am.  She loved me unconditionally.  I loved to sit with her on the front porch and just have chats with her.  I loved being in her living room, with her in her chair in the corner of the room, watching her programs.  We watched the Golden Girls together (is it any wonder why I am still a HUGE fan of that show... it reminds me of her)

I remember all too clearly the day that my Nana passed.  I was a freshman in college.  I was on the bus on the way home from school, the bus took me by the funeral home.  I saw my mothers car parked there, but I dismissed it.  But I knew.  I knew that something had happened.  Nana was going in for a procedure that morning.  She joked and laughed up til the end. The nurses said she was telling jokes as they wheeled her in to the OR.  Then her heart gave out.  She knew it was coming.  I remember my mother telling me that one night while visiting her, she said out of the blue  I want to wear the dress I wore to Laurie's wedding.  That was it.  It was that simple.  She knew the end was near for her.  She picked out what she would wear to her eternal resting place.  She had managed to have all of her family come and visit her and then it was her time to go.  I remember that bus ride past the funeral home, it felt like slow motion.  I knew what had happened, but I pretended that I didn't see what I had.  I was walking down the street to my house with my friend Karen.  We were going to hang out after school and then I was going to drive her home. 

I walked up the stairs and in to the house, knowing that something was going on in there.  My sister was on the phone with my Uncle.  She was crying.  My mom's friend Pat was there.  I remember just starting to cry.  Because I knew.  No one had to actually say the words.  I just knew.  I remember having to drive Karen home.  I was numb.  My sister and I went to get our other sister who was in middle school dismissed. 

It was a difficult day to say the least.  It's hard to watch as your parents who are supposed to be your rock, crumble.  I know that women are supposed to cry and do cry.  But not men.  That was the first day I saw my father cry.  It was hard to see that.  Here was this big strong hulking man, to watch him crumble.  To mourn my beloved Nana, she wasn't even his mother, but he loved her and he knew how much pain it caused my mother to lose her mother.  It was tough. 

A year later my mom suffered a heart attack.  A year and a day later.  A year and a day after her mother had passed.  It was a snowy snowy winter.  I can remember my father taking the train in to see my mom.  He left the hospital (after my mom threw him out and told him to head home because it was a blizzard, and he was too stubborn to stay overnight) took the train home, couldn't get a bus so he walked the few miles in a blizzard to come home.  I remember being at the top of the street and seeing him walking down the street with a towel over his face.  A towel he took from the hospital. 

It's hard to see your parents endure pain.  They are supposed to be the strong ones.  I can clearly also remember the day my Uncle died from a drug overdose.  My cousin found him in the bathroom with a needle still in his arm.  I remember that phone call.  Uncle Tommy died.  Uncle Tommy use to be on top of the world.  He was so handsome and seemed to have it all.  I remember he had a nice car, beautiful girlfriend.  He was so full of life and love.  And then he got in to drugs.  And fell down that rabbit hole.  He went to jail, he got "clean".  My father gave him a job when he got out of jail, he tried to help him, but the drugs were too much.  They were too seductive.  My dad eventually had to fire him because he almost killed another employee and he couldn't take that chance.  Uncle Tommy died shortly after that.  My father took on this guilt that maybe he could have tried  harder, done something differently.

I remember clearly being at the wake.  After everyone had left, my father lingered a little bit.  He sat with his head in his hands and cried.  Cried for the brother he couldn't save.  My father was the mighty, he was the protector.  He was the one that was responsible and always tried his hardest to give his all.  It still haunts me, the image of my big strong father sitting there in the funeral home, head in hands, weeping.  I heard him saying he was sorry he didn't do more, that he should have done more.  This image kills me to this day.  My Uncle passed in March '97.  It's amazing how things stay with you.

So as you can see the February/March timeframe is a hard time for me.  While there are good things, my son being born for one, it has always been filled with a lot of pain and sorrow.  It tends to stand as a time of reflection for me.

To close this post, I say to my Nana, I miss you everyday.  I know  you are in Heaven watching over me.  I know you can see the woman I have become and "know" my children, but I still feel cheated not having you here with me.  I wish that you could know my kids and they could know you.  You were truly a special lady.

Going down the rabbit hole...

It's snowing..  AGAIN...  for the 100th time this winter.  Ok, maybe not 100 times, but seriously, it might as well be. 

I am getting really sick of the snow.  Like really sick of it.  I hate looking out at the never ending piles of snow.  I feel trapped.  I hate driving down the street in which formerly 2 lanes are reduced to 1 at best.  I feel like the walls are closing in on me. 

I feel depressed.  It's not good.  I just don't want to do anything but go to bed and wake up when all the snow has melted.  I know it's not a reality.  But it sure is something that sounds appealing. 

I know that in a few months everyone will be complaining about how hot it is. 

I hate making plans to have dinner with friends only to have it canceled, yet again, by snow.  The girl time I so enjoy has been taken from me.  I don't like it.  I really don't.  I need to be social.  I need to be able to go out and do what I want and not feel trapped.

I feel like Alice, starting down the rabbit hole and not knowing how to get myself out of it. 

The piles of snow that I keep trying to dig myself out of and it just keeps getting piled up higher and higher, bothers me because it's a reminder of my life and my financial situation.  The more I try to dig myself out of the debt I am in, the higher the piles and mounting bills get.  It's too much for me to take at times. 

It's not enough that I have the mental reminder of my dire situation, but now I have a visual.  Great.. thanks.. 

UGH..

Well I've got not much to say today.  I am fighting like crazy not to fall in to a real depression, but it's getting tough.  Something has got to give..