Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I know.. I have been neglecting my blog.. sorry to my 4 "faithful" followers.. ha ha.. I just have been in somewhat of a funk I guess. I am in the re-evaluting my life stage again.. My God.. will this re-evaluation ever end...
My ex and his girlfriend have made the leap to living together. I went yesterday to pick the kids up from their new place. It's a little weird to see the ex living with someone else and now my kids will be part of it. I am so very lucky that we have a good relationship. I am truly happy for him and glad he has found someone. She is a nice person and good with and to my kids. So after a tour of the apartment, I hung out for a while and drank beers, ate some bbq and just chatted. Yup.. weird.. I know.. but my thing is this.. why is this the exception? Why can't this be the rule? Just because my ex and I didn't work out.. I mean I don't hate him, I don't have any bitter feelings (ok.. maybe that isn't entirely true.. I am a bit bitter that he made me lose my trust and faith in men, but I am working on getting that back... ) I think he is genuinely a great person. He is an awesome father, and that is all that matters. I know I am so lucky to have this relationship and I know that it's not the norm. But I wish for all people that have to deal with co-parenting that it would be. It feels nice not to have to fight at pick up and drop off.. We don't have to go to a public place to switch kids off. He has full access to the kids when he wants to see them. And that's the thing.. he WANTS to see them. He wants to be a part of their lives. He loves seeing the kids and hanging out with them and taking them on "adventures" as they call them. I am damn lucky as I know fathers that want nothing really to do with their kids. They want to do the bare minimum. I know sometimes I want to do the bare minimum, but that is because I am with the kids all the time.. I deal with the day to day crap that goes along with being a parent. I get to do a lot of the not so fun stuff with them. But my kids are pretty cool little people and I do enjoy their company, and it helps me to slow down and look at the world and my life.. I guess I just don't get people that don't want to be a part of their kids lives. That are so wrapped up in their own lives that they look at the kids as a burden. Parenting is hard, and being a single parent is really hard. But truth be told, I would rather be a single parent than to live in a house where their father was not an active participant in their lives. To me that is like having an additional child. I am glad I no longer have to walk on eggshells and deal with someone elses moods. Doing this on my own has really taught me that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. That I don't need a man around to help me with everything in life. Would it be easier.. some days, yes, it would. But I do not regret my decision at all...
Any hurt feelings I have towards him are MY feelings towards him. I never want my kids to see me snarking about him, saying bad things, or even giving dirty looks, etc. Kids are so damn smart. They KNOW when something is up. The softer you whisper, the louder you actually speak. Kids are listening when you whisper.. they know that whatever it is you are saying you really don't want them to hear.. so it's got to be juicy..
My ulitmate goal in life is to be a strong role model for my kids. I want them to see what healthy relationships are. I believe I am on my way to achieving that. I think it's great that the kids can see me and their dad together in the same room. Laughing and joking. Sharing old stories. Like two old friends. We have a history, we have a past, we spent a good chunk of our lives together, that has to account for something. I also felt it important for the kids to see me and his girlfriend getting along. Chatting, laughing, enjoying being a "family". Times they are a changing, and the definition of family changes. The more people that love my kids, the better. The more my kids can see strong adult relationships, the better. It does take a village to raise a child.. I am so lucky to have such a strong family and such great friends.
I have been spending the last 2.5 years looking for something, or someone to fill this imaginary void. I thought that because I didn't have a partner, something was wrong with me. I ultimately made the choice to end my marriage, we could have existed the way we were. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't ideal. I want the fairy tale. I don't want to settle for good enough.. But I finally realized or am REALIZING... that I have a lot of what I need already. My kids are my life, while they don't define me, they are so important to me and are a part of who I am. My family is so amazing. They are there no matter what. and my friends. God I am so blessed to have the greatest and strongest group of friends. I have learned alot about who my true friends are. They are the ones that are there no matter what. No questions asked. They are the ones that would be sitting in the jail cell next to you.. I am grateful for the support system I have had and continue to have.
I can truly say that even though I have days that I think things are not going my way.. that in the end, everything will have been worth it.. the laughs, the tears, the struggles. they make me who I am today. I continue to grow each and every day. I fall down (alot!) but I get back up, get back in the game.. shake the dirt off and keep on going.
I have a lot of growing and changing to do.. but I can proudly say that I am doing it to the best of my ability, that I can look myself in the mirror and like the person that is staring back at me.
